I'm Filing for Divorce! (Full Version)

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MowTin -> I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 4:49:59 PM)

Big fight. Here is what happened.

I was doing a Sudoku puzzle on my wife's iphone when I see a text message from her male coworker. It said "were r u?" She explained it and I totally believe her and feel 100% comfortable about it. Then she asks me, "Do you trust me?" I said, "Yes, but I don't know if you always keep the appropriate boundaries with people of the opposite sex." Well, she blew up!

We get into this heated argument where she points the car keys in my face. I moved her hand out of my face and told her I would not allow her to disrespect me. She threw a drink (paper cup) at me and started hitting me in the chest. She left her rings packed up some things and said she's not coming home tonight. I yelled I love you but I will not let you disrespect me. I told her if she doesn't come home tonight she shouldn't bother ever coming home because I will file for a divorce the next day.

I mean it. I'm sick of this person threatening to leave me. I'm sick of not being able to express my feelings without some violent explosion. My heart is pounding but part of me knows that with her it will always be violent arguments and misery. That's just who she is.

I'm going to save myself from a lifetime of misery and file for a divorce tomorrow. Any opinions?

P.S. Get this. Why should I trust her? Two months ago I caught her in an emotional affair that she lied about until I showed her phone records. She wept said she needed to hear someone say "I love you" I explained that the her constant verbal abuse--like how she threw a tantrum when I bought her a $300 coach wallet instead of $800 Louise Vuitton bag for Christmas--made me it hard for me to say "I love you." I forgave her we made up and things seemed like they were getting better. You would think that after being busted lying about an emotional affair that she wouldn't be so indignant about trust issues. But I guess I'm the bad guy.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 5:00:17 PM)

quote:

But I guess I'm the bad guy.


From the story you've given, you're not.

However, although Jesus *allowed* divorce for infidelity, I don't believe he mandated it. Why not hold of on filing (while remaining separated) and pray for your wife that God would do a work in her heart and restore your marriage? Would that not be a more glorious thing than saying "I'm sick of you. Good riddance"?



dianetavegia -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 5:01:59 PM)

It sounds like you both have a lot of issues but things WILL get worse if you follow through. SCRIPTURE tells us that God hates divorce and will not hear your prayers or accept your offerings.

Malachi 2:13 And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, With weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. 14 Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. 15 But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. 16 "For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously." 17 You have wearied the Lord with your words; Yet you say, "In what way have we wearied Him?" In that you say, "Everyone who does evil Is good in the sight of the Lord, And He delights in them," Or, "Where is the God of justice?"


Praying for your marriage and each of you.

Diane



Cantwait-2-C-Him -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 5:25:29 PM)

God hates divorce and will not hear your prayers or accept your offerings.

So are you saying God will not hear a divorce person if so I'm sorry you wrong God, will her each Christian pray ! no matter what he.she has done1 once a child or His always a Child of HIS If I am off on this sorry as back to the poster need to to have a cool down time. Both sound as maturely is needed. Money and buying things is a issue the value. Life needs to be the value here. Please seek some personal counseling, the verbal abuse is a hard road to over come but as you said it has gone to phy, abuse hitting and throw things, Pray you can get help in a timely matter, But after a while if it not working out I would go for a divorce no one has the right to touch any one male of female!!! I hope today has brought some cool down but again may time away and space. How older are you? how long have you been married? It will take time to rebuilt trust or get trust back Both need to talk with a mentor. for a sure way to stay together.



garsyt -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 5:39:27 PM)

quote:

Then she asks me, "Do you trust me?" I said, "Yes, but I don't know if you always keep the appropriate boundaries with people of the opposite sex." Well, she blew up!


Well your addendum to your "yes" you trust her, basically read to her "but not really." To me it sounded as if you didn't trust her, and she's likely feeling that no matter if she's telling the truth or a lie, you'd never believe or trust her.

Now I KNOW she's wronged you in the past, and trust takes some time to rebuild. To me, however, what I'm seeing is a couple of very strong willed hot heads losing their cool. Seems to me, as well that neither of you can leave the past in the past. So she had an emotional affair -did you forgive her for it and move on? No, instead you brought up her Christmas temper tantrum. From the sound of things, she is demanding and looking for things and attention to prove that you love her and you are just the type of guy that doesn't love in that language.

There seems to be a lot of fault on both sides and you are not blameless, Sir. Neither is she.

Blessings,

Garsy



manda59 -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 6:13:25 PM)

I suggest you cool down and get some long-overdue marriage counselling for the two of you. At least give it a try before throwing in the towel.



ta_mosquito -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 6:16:33 PM)

Please do not discuss divorce in this thread. You may discuss the marital issues, but discussion about whether or not divorce is Scriptural/allowed in this case, etc., is not allowed.

Please continue that discussion in one of the following One Stop Threads.

Click on one of the following links:

Divorce

Remarriage After Divorce

Keep this thread on marital issues ONLY.

Thank you!
Tricia
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MowTin -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 7:15:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: garsyt

Now I KNOW she's wronged you in the past, and trust takes some time to rebuild. To me, however, what I'm seeing is a couple of very strong willed hot heads losing their cool. Seems to me, as well that neither of you can leave the past in the past. So she had an emotional affair -did you forgive her for it and move on? No, instead you brought up her Christmas temper tantrum. From the sound of things, she is demanding and looking for things and attention to prove that you love her and you are just the type of guy that doesn't love in that language.


I wish I were strong willed and hot headed. I'm more soft-spoken and non-confrontational. But today I stood up for myself and it felt good. (deep breath) yes, it felt good.

I think I only stay married because I want to avoid the confrontation of divorce. I want to avoid the social shame and humiliation. Telling friends and coworkers that I'm divorced.

I just don't feel she values our marriage as much as I do. She's always threatening to leave and she's perfectly willing to turn any disagreement into a marriage ending conflict.

In this marriage I don't feel loved. I never feel like this person doesn't want to lose me and would do anything in their power to try to keep me. I feel like I'm always the one trying to save our marriage trying to make amends and make peace.

She knows that I'll never leave so she's free to make me as miserable as she wants. She is free to continue with this emotional blackmail of walking out and threatening not to return. I'm so ready to call her bluff.

I see those e-Harmony ads about a husband who looks over at his wife and thinks, "Wow, I love this woman" and I so envy anyone who feels like that in their marriage. I just want to love and be loved in return and to live in harmony.



manda59 -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 7:20:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MowTin
I think I only stay married because I want to avoid the confrontation of divorce. I want to avoid the social shame and humiliation. Telling friends and coworkers that I'm divorced.

I just don't feel she values our marriage as much as I do. She's always threatening to leave and she's perfectly willing to turn any disagreement into a marriage ending conflict.

In this marriage I don't feel loved. I never feel like this person doesn't want to lose me and would do anything in their power to try to keep me. I feel like I'm always the one trying to save our marriage trying to make amends and make peace.

She knows that I'll never leave so she's free to make me as miserable as she wants. She is free to continue with this emotional blackmail of walking out and threatening not to return. I'm so ready to call her bluff.

I see those e-Harmony ads about a husband who looks over at his wife and thinks, "Wow, I love this woman" and I so envy anyone who feels like that in their marriage. I just want to love and be loved in return and to live in harmony.



So, why did you get married originally? What were things like when you first married?



garsyt -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 7:38:08 PM)

I am of the belief that it takes two to make a marriage work and two to make it fall apart.

My question to you would be - what have YOU done or not done to contribute to the demise of your relationship?

And along with Manda - Why did you get married in the first place? How well did you know your wife before she became your wife?

And, to me I wonder if she took your quiet, unassuming, non-confrontational style as passive aggressive. The silent treatment and withholding affection can do a lot to hurt a relationship too.

To me it seems as if you both need individual and marital counseling.

Blessings,

Garsy



shadowspring -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 8:46:38 PM)

quote:

The silent treatment and withholding affection can do a lot to hurt a relationship too.


Amen to that!

Have you ever considered that your wife's complaints could be valid, underneath all the drama?

I strongly recommend godly marriage counseling!

You may very well find that you both do love each other very much, but somehow with your differing communication styles the message just isn't getting through. A good counselor can help you renegotiate the way you talk to each other (or don't talk to each other) and help you nurture back to health the love you started out with.



lastblast -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 9:26:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowspring

quote:

The silent treatment and withholding affection can do a lot to hurt a relationship too.


Amen to that!

Have you ever considered that your wife's complaints could be valid, underneath all the drama?

I strongly recommend godly marriage counseling!

You may very well find that you both do love each other very much, but somehow with your differing communication styles the message just isn't getting through. A good counselor can help you renegotiate the way you talk to each other (or don't talk to each other) and help you nurture back to health the love you started out with.


And I will "AMEN" your post! I hope that they will put forth the effort needed to understand each other and LOVE each other as they work out their differences.[:)]



crankius -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/27/2008 11:39:13 PM)

Mowtin,

I've followed your threads.

You have been very hurt in your marriage. I can tell you feel that it is entirely hopeless. So long as the two of you continue down this same path, it most likely is hopeless.

But nothing is hopeless when we let the Lord God take over. Nothing.

You both made a covenant with the Lord. I think it is wise to try counseling from a strong qualified Christian counselor.

It would be great if you were both in an excellent church with great leadership and other Christian married couples to fellowship with and gain encouragement from.

Your marriage has apparently not had a very solid foundation, but it doesn't mean you can't start over.



MowTin -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 12:00:25 AM)

I was thinking about it and I realize what I want is for my wife to treat me as a friend. And what I mean by that is that I don't want to always feel like I'm in danger of being misunderstood and misinterpreted as is the case with a stranger. I would like to be able to talk to her openly and honestly about ANYTHING without some terrible marriage ending dramatic episode.

Now that I think about it we've been arguing since day one. Yes, the first morning of our marriage we had an argument. She wouldn't talk to me for most of our trip to Hawaii. In Hawaii a great argument about a pair of tweezers. She started packing her bags in the hotel room and stupidly I stopped her and convinced her not to leave.

What I didn't realize then that I realize now was that her packing her bags was a drama and had I just let her go she would have realized that the I'm-leaving-you-drama doesn't work. Sort of like the time she pretended to rip up our marriage certificate but it was really some other document. Or the time she pretended she flushed her wedding band and engagement ring down the toilet.

I spoke to my sister. Her opinion is I let her walk all over me and I need to stand up and tell her to "start acting like a wife." She also said before I give up I need to be sure I did everything possible to save my marriage. And I if I don't go to marraige counseling I can't say that I did.

So IF my wife returns I'll suggest some marriage counseling. I'll call my church and see if they can suggest a good counselor. Does anyone know a good counselor in New York City?

If she doesn't come back then I'm certainly not going chasing after her. Until then I'll just enjoy this wonderful peace and quiet that I have right now.

I'm sorry for burdening you all with my crazy marriage. I just needed someone to hear this. I don't want to poison my friends and family against her. I talk to my sister but I don't tell her the worst parts because I don't want to alienate her from my wife.

Thanks for the advice and prayers. When people say, "I'll pray for you" do they really pray for you? Anyway, pray for me.



crankius -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 12:06:20 AM)

Yes, I really do pray when I say I'm going to pray.

I pray right now that the Lord links you to an excellent, qualified, Christian counselor. I recommend you visit the counselor even if your wife doesn't want to. I'm sorry I can't recommend a counselor in your area, but I know others on here will be able to help you with that.



crankius -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 12:13:41 AM)

Mowtin,

Did you have pre-marital counseling?



MowTin -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 12:55:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

Mowtin,

Did you have pre-marital counseling?


No. But before we got married I bought what I consider to be a great book about marriage called "Love Busters" and we both read it together. The basics are that everyone has a love bank and your spouse in the person in the position to make the most withdrawls from your love bank. Too many withdrawls without deposits and you don't feel love for this person. Bad habits (Angry Outbursts, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Dishonesty, and Annying Behavior) all cause repeated withdrawls from the love bank. That and a policy of joint agreement. You don't do anything unless you both fully enthusiastically agree.

It stresses that angry outbursts are a way to force you spouse to give you what you want. Often you get what you want but it damages your marriage and makes a withdrawal from the bank of love your spouse has. Instead it suggest negotiating for what you want.

It also says that when you fall out of love (empty banks) it's still possible to regain love by eliminating the bad habits the withdraw and beginning to do things that make deposits. As you make more and more deposits the bank fills up and you start to "feel" in love again.

We also read some other books and articles. We read the Purpose Driven Life. I thought we were going to live a purpose driven marriage...so much for that. I'm more the intellectual type who will read it, get it and apply it. My wife reluctantly reads and then proceeds to do everything the book said not to do.



keepitreal -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 1:30:57 AM)

MowTin, do you have children?

If not, although I RARELY say this, if all you are saying is the unbiased truth, you would be well rid of this woman. Her adultery has given you a Biblical out from this marriage if you desire to take it, IF you have remained pure and been faithful to her (emotionally and phsycially.)

Is there anything missing in this story? Does she have a real reason to stay angry with you, such as a porn habit or anything? If not, she is acting like an unreasonable spoiled 2 year old.

If you want to continue to try and make it work, that is fine; if not, you don't have to live like this. You have been cheated on and emotionally abused. If nothing else, you can pack her bags and separate until she grows up.

If you have children with her, all I can say is God help you (and them.)



MowTin -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 2:26:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: keepitreal

MowTin, do you have children?

If not, although I RARELY say this, if all you are saying is the unbiased truth, you would be well rid of this woman. Her adultery has given you a Biblical out from this marriage if you desire to take it, IF you have remained pure and been faithful to her (emotionally and phsycially.)

Is there anything missing in this story? Does she have a real reason to stay angry with you, such as a porn habit or anything? If not, she is acting like an unreasonable spoiled 2 year old.

If you want to continue to try and make it work, that is fine; if not, you don't have to live like this. You have been cheated on and emotionally abused. If nothing else, you can pack her bags and separate until she grows up.

If you have children with her, all I can say is God help you (and them.)


No children. I've been waiting for the arguing to settle down or end.

I'm sure no story is unbiased. I doubt porn would make her top 10 complaints lists. About a year and half ago she found some on my hard drive. She got mad I deleted it and that was the end of it. But that has nothing to do with our arguments. Arguments started on day 1 and I was so squeaky clean back then.

You're getting a clear picture when I tell you the subject of the arguments are almost always minor matters that two mature people could easily talk about and resolve over a cup of coffee.

She probably doesn't feel loved. At least not the way that I used to love her before we got married. After you've seen someone look at you with wild-eyed hatred and curse you a few times it's hard to write some lofty poem about their virtues. I don't think she gets that I need enough of a break from the hostilities for my heart to heal.

I've never cheated on her physically or emotionally. I just can bring myself to consider her emotional affair seriously. The guy lived half a world away. She just wanted attention. I forgave her but she lied to my face and that shreded my trust.

I think I'm a kind person and I think I'm pretty considerate and sensitive. My friends and family seem to think so. I guess I can be a little preachy and arrogant. Maybe sometimes I think I know everything. But I don't preach to her anymore. I learned pretty early on that wives don't like to be preached to. I also spend more time than I should in front of the computer reading message boards. Stuff like that.

I may not login for a few days. I have a big project at work. I'm finding it very difficult to concentrate. I just need to forget about my problems for a couple of days or I'm going to get fired. So, forgive me if I don't respond for a couple of days.

Thanks again for all the help and support.



janidhiro -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 10:35:17 AM)

So sorry re: your current situation. It appears that you are married to a child, not an adult woman. Perhaps she can get some individual counseling prior to you working together with a counselor. My experience is that a third party will be necessary to make any progress in this situation. In the interim, do not respond to her childish behaviour. Most children will stop acting out of they do not get the anticipated response.



jaimestarcross -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 11:11:29 AM)

Get counseling for your own sake - you can encourage your wife to do the same because neither of you seem to be able to communicate effectively. There's a lack of maturity in this relationship (you both are at fault.) Once you've both cooled down - try sitting down and talking with each other - let her know you love her and that you are willing to work on your own short comings and learn how to be a good husband and that you are also willing to do your best to save this marriage. Ask her if she's willing to do the same. Apologize and forgive... regardless of what happens next in this marriage.
Do your very best to work things out - continue in counseling and work out your own problems/issues so you can become a better person.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 4:14:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MowTin

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

Mowtin,

Did you have pre-marital counseling?


No. But before we got married I bought what I consider to be a great book about marriage called "Love Busters" and we both read it together. The basics are that everyone has a love bank and your spouse in the person in the position to make the most withdrawls from your love bank. Too many withdrawls without deposits and you don't feel love for this person. Bad habits (Angry Outbursts, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Dishonesty, and Annying Behavior) all cause repeated withdrawls from the love bank. That and a policy of joint agreement. You don't do anything unless you both fully enthusiastically agree.

It stresses that angry outbursts are a way to force you spouse to give you what you want. Often you get what you want but it damages your marriage and makes a withdrawal from the bank of love your spouse has. Instead it suggest negotiating for what you want.

It also says that when you fall out of love (empty banks) it's still possible to regain love by eliminating the bad habits the withdraw and beginning to do things that make deposits. As you make more and more deposits the bank fills up and you start to "feel" in love again.

We also read some other books and articles. We read the Purpose Driven Life. I thought we were going to live a purpose driven marriage...so much for that. I'm more the intellectual type who will read it, get it and apply it. My wife reluctantly reads and then proceeds to do everything the book said not to do.



hjemerson -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/28/2008 9:47:27 PM)

I hope by the time you are back on line you have talke at least by phone. a cool down let her be on her own for a while is needed, I love to know why she wanted to get married ?? just to hacve some one give in to her all the time??? I truely hope you will seek some one to talk to even if you do go on with the D, But after you have had time to talk to some one. I have read the book you both read but again some one to talk to is the best. I truely wish evey pastor that marries a couple would do his job(AS I SEE IT) and have married counsler with both and seprate several time it would save a lot of heart break I belive! A few church I have been in you had to have it 3-6 monthe begore the date ot the pastor would not married the couple!! I belive a Christian need it more than non . We face a harder bttle with all the out side wanting to break up a couple!!!



aslan77 -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/29/2008 7:16:01 PM)

Hey Mowtin,

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. I am in a very similar marital situation. So I read your post with some sadness, and I also can identify with the hair pulling stress, and anger that can come as a result of these types of arguments.

Here are some of my thoughts as I read this thread:
1) Don't make decisions when you are angry. right after a fight is the worst time to make any decision, especially one that is so deep rooted as marriage/divorce. Breathe in and pray. If you don't know what to pray for, then let God know that. He hears your non-words too. I would say he hears your pain, and your anxiety and the feeling that you are 'less than' at times.
2) Counseling; My wife and I started marital counseling years ago. My wife stopped going because I wasn't changing enough and she didn't think it would work. I kept going...faithfully. The end result is that God will speak to me as a husband with words that heal infinitely more than my wife's words will tear me down. Let God speak to you through those sessions. You'll be encouraged, ashamed, hopeful...but you will not be helpless!
3) You can't keep your wife from throwing these fits. But you can insulate yourself from them. When cooler heads are present, tell her that you have made a decision to work on yourself...and that you won't do yourself, your wife or your marriage any good if you are talked to with disrespect. Let her know that you love her, but if she speaks to you this way, tell her that you will excuse yourself and leave the room, the house...and you will approach her when you both agree to talk politely and with respect and dignity.
4) Pray... pray for wisdom, healing, pray for your needs and see if you can't uncover and meet your wife's needs if you are willing and able. (my guess it has nothing to do with a LV %800 bag :- )
5) you will disappoint your wife. You were born with limiations... and sometimes you won't be able, or willing to know.

I'm praying for you... and with you as I go through the same struggle you do.

Jeff



APZR -> RE: I'm Filing for Divorce! (7/29/2008 10:12:14 PM)

Wow... you really are dealing with a major drama queen. Unless she returns and agrees to counseling, I don't see how your marriage can be saved.



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