Parents-don't know what to do.... (Full Version)

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sweetheartprayer -> Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/23/2008 2:23:43 PM)

This is long and has started long ago but I will start with the most recent incident....

A couple weeks ago my Aunt and Uncle came to town to visit the family. My boyfriend and I both took a day off work while they were here so we could spend some time with them. They arrived on a Wednesday and the first day we got to see them was Friday. My boyfriend and I took them out to dinner and then took them home since we would have a busy weekend with the family. So Saturday rolls around and my parents bring my Aunt and Uncle to a softball game that my boyfriend and I play on. Then it was planned to have a family BBQ later that night where my whole family could make it out and to celebrate my niece's birthday at the same time. So after the game I went home to get ready for the BBQ and my boyfriend and I headed to the BBQ, everything was fine and going great, my dad was being his typical quiet, sit in the corner self and my mom was doing her typical thing of getting the BBQ ready. Everything went by as smoothly as our family BBQ's can go. At the end of the night, I asked my parents what they were going to do the next day with my Aunt and Uncle because my bf and I would like to join them. They said that they were going to a city fair but that they were going to church in the morning. I asked them when they would be at the street fair and my dad ruddly responded "I don't know we are going to church and who knows when that will be done." (he doesn't attend church unless the people visiting want to go). So I told my mom to just call me when they would be there. The next day I decided to go to a movie in the morning and asked my BF to go with me and figured the movie theatre was right by the street fair that when we got out of the movie they would be headed to the street fair. So we went and when the movie was over we decided to just start walking the street fair. They ended up showing up at the street fair a bit after we had already walked it but we went along with them again. That night my BF and I had been invited to a BBQ of one of my co-workers so we had to leave the street fair early and asked my dad what they were doing the next day (this next day would be our day off day) and he rudely told me that he was still taking them to the city like had been planned. I asked what time and he again rudely responded, "whatever time everyone gets up, who knows when that will be." so my mom interjected and told him that if he didn't set a time then no one would know when to leave and he finally grumbled something about 930. So I told my mom to just call when they were leaving.
We met them in the city the next morning around 1030 and when we walked up to my parents my BF had asked if anyone had eatten breakfast (now this is a stupid question to ask my family because they are ususally already up and eatten by 7 and he should have known better but he asked anyway. My dad rudely responded "yes most people have eatten by this time in the morning" my bf took offence to this and responded with "I was just asking a question." So we went on the rest of the day, I asked my mom later in the day if my dad was going to inprove on his mood and she tells me that his knee is bothering him (he just hurt it the other day and is on some pretty strong meds to control the pain) and that he is lashing out because of this pain. I felt that was an unfair excuse but didn't say anything else. We finished touring the city and were supposed to go do a family dinner that night. I asked my mom about it and she said no, it had been changed to the following night because my Aunt and Uncle wanted to go to my nephew's game. This upset me because I had a softball practice planned the next night for a team I coached. I told her fine, I would rearrange things and would be there. So we headed out of the city and I told her that if they planned to do anything else that night to call me. The next night rolls around and I told my mom that we would be a little late to the dinner, 10-15 max. So we show up and there are only two seats left at the very end of the table between my dad and sister in law. Only one person talked to us at dinner that night, my SIL. It made me feel very uncomfortable and even unwanted. So the following night I told my mom that I wanted to take my aunt and uncle to walmart to make copies of their pictures then possible do dinner before they again when to my nephew's baseball game and for her to call me. When I got off work I called them and they were on their way home from my other brother's house. I asked when they would be home and she asked my dad and he said that they were going out to dinner. So my mom told me that she would call me when they were done. Well she then calls me 30 minutes later to tell me that they are eatting at this restuarant that takes a long time to eat at then they are going straight to the game. I got upset and told her that I guess my feelings didn't matter because I had wanted to do some things with my aunt and uncle but that my parents completely ignored that.
I picked my bf up from work and since it was the last night my aunt and uncle were in town I really wanted to see them so we went to the game. Pretty much my Aunt, Uncle, and SIL were the only ones to talk to us. My mom started a fight by telling me to take my uncle to walmart, which would take over an hour to get to and from. I told her that we wouldn't make it that it would take too long to get there and back and the picture machine gets shut down at 8pm. She then tells me to go to Walgreens but I've never seen it there so she gets all upset and tells me that she won't argue with me about it....even though she started it. So we go anyway and get the pictures but you have to sit an hour to wait for the disk so after the game was over, everyone else went home and my bf and I went to grab some dinner while we waited for the disk. I was extremely upset with my parents, they didn't even say goodbye to me when they left. So we went to Subway and I decided to call my mom. I told her I was "sorry for being a bad daughter" and she went off on me telling me that my bf and I were disrespectful and rude and had bad attitudes and just chewed me up and down and said that once her and my dad were gone then I could be as happy as I wanted to be. This really upset me because I love my parents alot but they have been destroying me. So we ended the phone call and my bf told me to call my brother. So I talked to my brother who completely understands me and explained everything to him. He basically told me that I needed to figure out what I wanted to do in life, live my own life or live at the whim of my parents. If I wanted to live at the whim of my parents then I would have to suck it up and realize they would continue to tear me down. So on our way home my mom called and left a message apoligizing for everything she said, we decided again to go say a final goodbye to my aunt and uncle and went over to their house. My mom really didn't talk to me much while there but wanted to know if we were still going to house sit for them. I told her yes.
What my problem is right now, is that I don't remember when I spoke with my mom last. I think it was Sunday when I swung by her house to pick up some mail and other things. I feel really bad and part of me really wants to call her but then part of me wants to just step back and let things go and start living my life without the guilt that they give me. I've also already thought about what needs to be done to cut the strings, like having all my mail re directed to my house, working on moving all my belongings out of the attic and other things. But at the same time I don't want to hurt my parents, that is where I am completely stuck.

On a side note to also explain more of my dad. He was never physically abusive but he was MAJORLY mentally abusive and is still to this day. I thought things had gotten better recently but they really haven't. I have started to cut my parents slightly out of my life, no longer inviting them to do everything and anything I do but selectivly inviting them to things. I don't know if there can be any advice given or maybe just opinions. I don't know but anything would help, I feel like I am struggling in a pit and don't know what to do.



daisies4u -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/23/2008 3:36:09 PM)

Were you invited to all these events or did you invite yourself like it sounds? How old are you?

It sounds like you need to get your own life and stop trying to revolve it around your family. It is wonderful to stay close to family but did you really need to see your aunt and uncle every day for the 5-6 days that they were in town? Maybe your parents wanted to spend some "adult" time with them.

I hate to say this, and maybe it is just the way it came across, but your posted sounded a 5 YO throwing a temper tantrum. Sorry, that was they way I read it. I hope I am wrong.



sweetheartprayer -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/23/2008 4:07:43 PM)

I am 26 years old and the entire family was invited to hang out if they were able to come. I haven't seen my aunt and uncle in ten years because they live across the country so I wanted to spend as much time with them as I could.



deermousie -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/23/2008 10:59:52 PM)

I'm no professional, but it seems like both your parents are pretty passive-agressive. That's psychobabble for sin. They want things a certain way: their way (whether it's reasonable or not), aren't going to tell you what they want, and will sulk and be unkind if they don't get their way (gee, you can't read their minds yet?). [:D]

My parents were somewhat like this. I find the biggest defense is the truth. Tell the truth. It will mess up their temper tantrums because it forces them to tell the truth or defend the lies they are living. So pray. Ask God to change them and cause them to be brokenhearted for their sin and want to make it right. Then be good to them. Spend a little time with them, send birthday cards, take them out to dinner.

Protect yourself. You may have to back off from the time you spend with them, make times with them in a way you can leave if the sulking gets too much or the words too unkind. Tell your parents that you will do this, but you love them, and you hope they will understand what you're doing. Then do it. Don't yell at them (I don't think you do) or sulk but just say matter-of-factly, "I love you and I want to be in relationship with you but when you sulk you are pushing me away and when you say unkind things you are hurting me with things that aren't true. I choose not to stay and let you do that. I have to leave. I hope this won't be a problem anymore, but I won't stay long if it is, and I'll see you later. I hope it will be better then."

It forces them to either back down or defend themselves (they'll get angry - just continue the matter-of-fact truth), but they'll eventually deal with it or push you further away. That would hurt, but if they push you away, that's their choice, and the kind of people they are: they prefer lies to truth and selfishness to loving others. Their choice, not yours.

My mother did this, and her thing was her opinion was the only one that mattered, and if I believed otherwise, she would disown me. I gave in until she started putting my child in danger and insisting it was her right. When I put my foot down, she did disown me. It was her choice. Very sad, but there was no choice for me.



still4gvn -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/23/2008 11:38:25 PM)

I get the impression that maybe your father doesn't feel like all that constant togetherness and was a little grumpy. Are you living with your bf? Sounds like you need your own place with a mail box and no bf and some women friends.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/24/2008 10:28:52 AM)

I say learn to live your own life... if you wanted to spend time with your Aunt and Uncle - you could have made dates - or made arrangements to host them in your own home - (prior to their arrival.) Even though they live across the country - you can save up the money and make travel plans to visit them (before another 10 yrs. pass!)

I learned to do things like that when dealing with family and friends (I live in Canada and my family/friends are in North Carolina(USA) ... I save up the money and I get go "home" about twice a year. Many times I've had to use a bus and plane to travel the distance(over 3,500 miles) to cut cost.



agapetos -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/24/2008 7:24:26 PM)

quote:

I felt that was an unfair excuse but didn't say anything else.
You don't have to say anything to give an impression of what you think. Your attitude (the way you speak and look) will probably have given the impression of what you think of your father's 'excuse'.

Your dad hurt his knee and was on strong pain meds. It would have affected him. Give the guy a break. It probably affected his enjoyment of the time with family (believe me, walking anywhere in pain is no fun!).

It sounded as though there weren't any real set plans and it can be hard to work out what to do. I know that when we had visitors (as a child) and when people have visited me, we've put what the visitors would like to do first. Nowadays, I will ask people what sort of things they'd like to do and then see if anything like that is available locally.

You haven't lived at home for quite a while and I don't understand why you haven't had your mail redirected. It's always high on my list of priorities (and if I don't organise it to be redirected, I make sure I notify friends and companies I need to notify individually. Same with your belongings, unless there is some reason why you can't move them, you should have moved them.

You can't remember when you last saw your mother? This isn't cutting the apron strings. It's treating her in a similar way to the way your parents are treating you. At your age, you shouldn't be inviting them to every single thing that you do. Talk about what's going on in your life, sure, but you need to move from being a child and expecting them to turn up at every event their little girl (you) is involved in and being an adult.

It takes time to make these changes though. I wonder what would happen if you sat down with your mother and talked with her about your feelings? You may find that she has similar thoughts to the ones your having now ~ that your relationship needs to change but is unsure of your reaction or how to do it.



agapetos -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (7/24/2008 7:29:34 PM)

quote:

My mom started a fight by telling me to take my uncle to walmart, which would take over an hour to get to and from. I told her that we wouldn't make it that it would take too long to get there and back and the picture machine gets shut down at 8pm. She then tells me to go to Walgreens but I've never seen it there so she gets all upset and tells me that she won't argue with me about it....even though she started it.
Your mother suggested something to you (and included your uncle, who you wanted to spend time with) and you didn't want to do it when she suggested it (though it seemed like a good idea given it was your aunt and uncle's last night visiting). From what you've said, I don't see how it can be an arguement.

Sometimes there simply isn't time to do everything that we want to do in the time that we have and compromises have to be made.



sweetheartprayer -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (8/7/2008 4:07:14 PM)

At one point I thought/ felt my family was extremely close, this is why I USED to invite my parents to events happening in my life. I have cut back from that now and do not tell them about a lot of events in my life. As for my mail, I live with roommates and I don't want important mail to get misplaced or accidently tossed out. And as for all my things still at there house, I don't have space to put my things, I am currently renting. But hopefully as of next year I will be moving into my own place. But on another side of this some friends of mine told me nto to jump the gun and start moving my things out because that may offend my parents in some crazy way. I understand that my dad was probably in pain but when he acts like this even when he is not in pain that is no excuse. Also since I found out that my brother feels the same way about my dad tells me that my dad is the way he is ALL the time and to anyone and everyone. My parents went out of town this last week and I house sat for them and picked them up from the airport, besides that, I haven't seen or spoken with my parents since I dropped them off at home.



agapetos -> RE: Parents-don't know what to do.... (8/7/2008 5:00:03 PM)

quote:

At one point I thought/ felt my family was extremely close, this is why I USED to invite my parents to events happening in my life.
There is a difference between being close to family and living in each others pockets all the time.

Being close to someone does not mean that you have to invite them to every event in your life ~ nor does it mean they have to come. You're not a little girl any more and you don't need them to come and watch everything you are involved in. You are still their daughter though and it's maybe time to start seeing your relationship move into an adult daughter one ~ so recognising they will be there for important occassions ~ say your wedding (and perhaps some of the planning and such) but know about less important things.

Perhaps you need to take some time and figure out what you want from your parents ~ without input from what any other member of your family thinks ~ and then start living by those decisions. Remember that it's probably a lot easier to slowly draw further back than it is to withdraw totally and then want them back in your life.



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