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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 2:58:34 PM
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sunshinesoprano
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Yes, I understand what you're saying about the job.
No, she's never been married.. She's definitely broken about this and of course doesn't want it to effect this man's marriage. She feels a great amount of guilt. She never asked to fall in love with this person, so I understand her perspective, too, at least in that she didn't ask for this to happen.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 3:00:50 PM
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TorchHeart
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
quote:
All you (generic "you") need to do is stop seeing them and stop thinking of them (i.e. casting out thoughts of them when they arise.....and at some point you will stop thinking of them). Eventually the feelings will fade.
This is the only part where I disagree with.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 5:00:16 PM
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daisies4u
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I do not believe that if someone is truly and completely in love with another person, it is possible to "just stop". Distancing yourself from that person helps but does not stop the feelings. Not if it is TRUE love.
However, alot of people these days confuse being in love with SO many other things....like, infatuation, lust, the list could go on and on.
Your friend needs to stop any relationship with this man that is not professional. By this I mean no interaction with him at all except to discuss business related matters; no...how was your day?...anything like that. Can she look at it like this.... Love is a gift from God. God would never want her to be the cause of breaking up this man's marriage. She is going to need to put her love for the Lord above her feelings for this man.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 5:02:09 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
quote:
All you (generic "you") need to do is stop seeing them and stop thinking of them (i.e. casting out thoughts of them when they arise.....and at some point you will stop thinking of them). Eventually the feelings will fade.
This is the only part where I disagree with.
Not sure whether you're disagreement is with the fact that she shouldn't see him anymore or that the feelings will eventually fade. (?) Either way though I stand by what I said. It may take a long time for feelings to fade but in time they will if the person really aknowledges that the relationship was improper and thus cannot continue. It's a matter of resolve and determination IMO.
Sunshinesoprano, I asked if she was married because if she were (or ever had been) she may have a better understanding/empathy for the wife of this man and how she (the wife) would feel if she knew what was going on. Chances are that she suspects something already if her husband's heart is with someone else, kwim?
Have you suggested that she do whatever is in her power to avoid being around this man? If so, what was her response?
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 5:07:23 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
Can she look at it like this.... Love is a gift from God. God would never want her to be the cause of breaking up this man's marriage. She is going to need to put her love for the Lord above her feelings for this man.
Well said Daisies4u. God doesn't give love to a person that would be sinful or cause the breakup of a marriage.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 5:25:21 PM
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preserved
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The way I am reading this post....Sunshinesprano...your friend is emotionally in love with a married man...I have not read anything that indicates he feels the same way?
She (Your friend feels something there based on their eye contact, body language, etc) yet nothing about him being in love with her...
She will need to placed some distance between them and it will mean to change her job...They met thru a business connection...Are they working together in the same office? She needs to think about his wife...This man is not hers to take and God will not honor that..
Soprano...if a person is in love...being in the presence of the person because she choses not to change her job is not going to help...she definately needs to put distance...
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 6:18:18 PM
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crh737
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I agree she needs to put a distance between them. A male friend of mine was involved in his church and his best friend and wife moved next door to them.
My friend's wife was also in ministry at their church. Well the best friend and my friend's wife started making healing tapes. It started out just like your friend's situation, but the flirting turned into a blown out affair.
Not only did it wreck two marriages (with children involved) it also ruined their relationship with God.
My friend's best wife (as he put it would not pass the peace) they are no longer friends. My friend is angry with God, lost his house and family, all because his wife and best friend became selfish in their ways.
Your friend is being selfish in her thinking. She is thinking of herself and not of this man, his wife and children.
Christian love is not adorning another woman's husband. She is creating something in her own mind and if she starts bringing it into real life, the consequences will be high.
She needs to run from this situation, nothing good can come from this.
btw: its not about stop loving someone. He is/was never hers for her to love him to begin with. What is the attraction of wanting someone she can't have?
CRH
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 6:22:29 PM
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sunshinesoprano
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Okay...let's see if I can answer all these questions.
First, I'd like to make something very clear:
My friend's intent has NEVER been to break up this marriage. In fact, she's prayed for their marriage and for his wife every day because she knows there are problems. She's not a bad person. I feel that some of you are assuming she's wanting to do that. I've known my friend since we were 15 and that's NOT her intent.
She told me that she's never really talked about this and has held the feelings in privately. She said that she ends up being really sarcastic with him to keep a healthy distance between them, though she fears that somehow it makes it worse, which it probably does. He probably thinks she's flirting.
She could just be curt with him, but I know her and she's not the kind to be short and abrupt with anyone.
They don't work in the same office, but they do see each other 2-3 times a week.
As for his feelings for her, I think she's mostly going off how he acts toward her, the way he looks at her and stuff. I'm NO ONE to judge on this, mostly because I haven't seen them together, but also because I can't tell when I a guy is flirting with me, so I have no idea.
I think she said the only time it's ever been brought up was when someone in the office noticed their interaction and they both agreed their relationship was just that of a good-natured friendship.
Please don't think she's a bad person. She's a great friend and wants to get past this. That's why she came to me for help. She's tried to pray through it and get through it on her own, but she's tired of the bondage of it and needs someone to couple her faith with.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 6:35:59 PM
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sunshinesoprano
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crh737
I agree she needs to put a distance between them. A male friend of mine was involved in his church and his best friend and wife moved next door to them.
My friend's wife was also in ministry at their church. Well the best friend and my friend's wife started making healing tapes. It started out just like your friend's situation, but the flirting turned into a blown out affair.
Not only did it wreck two marriages (with children involved) it also ruined their relationship with God.
My friend's best wife (as he put it would not pass the peace) they are no longer friends. My friend is angry with God, lost his house and family, all because his wife and best friend became selfish in their ways.
Your friend is being selfish in her thinking. She is thinking of herself and not of this man, his wife and children.
Christian love is not adorning another woman's husband. She is creating something in her own mind and if she starts bringing it into real life, the consequences will be high.
She needs to run from this situation, nothing good can come from this.
btw: its not about stop loving someone. He is/was never hers for her to love him to begin with. What is the attraction of wanting someone she can't have?
CRH
It's happened more than most people think...innocent things turn into much more. I'm in ministry and so I'm very aware of it.
My friend, though, I think the fact that she's not acted on her actions proves she's not selfish. Yes, I'm defending her because I heard the pain in her voice wanting to overcome it...
She wants to not have the feelings she has, be them love, infatuation, a bit of insecurity that was fulfilled by his attention, whatever...she never sought out these feelings.
I've never been in love, so I have no idea what it feels like. I don't think she's attracted to what she can't have. She said there was a spark from the start...that's all she said.
I won't tell her to leave her job, but I will tell her to keep her distance and keep it professional. I think she can deal with it in her heart and God will bless that, too.
I'm glad I posted on her behalf instead of advising her to come here herself. She needs guidance in how to overcome them. Not judgment. These forums never cease to amaze me.
No, it's not right. She will be the first to admit it. But we need to help people instead of telling them how wrong they are. That never helped anyone. There are reasons things happen in our lives and I think there's a deeper thing going on here that she maybe even can't see yet. She's a couple hours away from me, so I don't see her very often.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 7:04:01 PM
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Hislittleone
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I don't think anyone has been judgmental or harsh here nor has anyone said that she wanted to break up his marriage. But like you said, many affairs begin with what appear to be innocent relationships where no one intends to have an affair. There's just such a potential for disastrous consequences on everyones part in this situation that (I think) people here are just giving strong warnings.
I don't think that your friend is looking to break up a marriage....just the opposite in fact. But now that she recognizes what's going on it's vital that she takes every single precaution that she can. She may need to do more than just be sarcastic and try not to think of him. She may not be able to get rid of these feelings if she keeps seeing him 2-3 times every week. It'll make it that much more difficult if not impossible for her to get rid of these feelings.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 7:21:09 PM
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preserved
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Soprano..
As I indicated previously your friend is emotionally in love with a married man...ok..she needs to start treating this man when she sees him 2 to 3 times a week in a professional manner...which means she has to learn to turn her emotions off. Does she have to have direct contact with him on these 2 to 3 weeks..perhaps she can turn over part of the work, etc over to someone else to handle..
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 7:24:11 PM
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sunshinesoprano
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Hislittleone,
No, I don't think everyone has been harsh, but as it's gone on it's gone in that direction, as the quoted post above. It's very dangerous, and she definitely recognizes that.
crh737 said
"Your friend is being selfish in her thinking. She is thinking of herself and not of this man, his wife and children.
Christian love is not adorning another woman's husband. She is creating something in her own mind and if she starts bringing it into real life, the consequences will be high. "
Sounds pretty harsh to me, but I guess I'm a little defensive of my friend because I know her heart. She is thinking of them because she's not acted on the emotions she's had. I think that shows pretty good self-discipline and care for others. But that's just me.
She doesn't feel that she's in a place to just leave her job, and because she doesn't really like her job, she has looked, and hasn't been able to find another. I was in the job hunt myself and it's rough!
She's very aware of the danger or she wouldn't have asked for help.
I appreciate the assistance you've all given me. I know what I need to tell her. She needs a strong friend who will pray with and for her, and the strength to get through it.
I'm sorry if I'm defensive of her, too. She knows all too well that she's wrong.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 7:29:46 PM
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sunshinesoprano
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quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
Soprano..
As I indicated previously your friend is emotionally in love with a married man...ok..she needs to start treating this man when she sees him 2 to 3 times a week in a professional manner...which means she has to learn to turn her emotions off. Does she have to have direct contact with him on these 2 to 3 weeks..perhaps she can turn over part of the work, etc over to someone else to handle..
First, thank you for answering my question. There's no question that this is the situation.
She doesn't always have to work directly with him, just depends on the situation. When it's her line of business, it's her line of business. She's the contact.
I think what she's looking for is how to turn it off. Simply put. How does she turn it off like it never existed?
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 7:35:30 PM
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preserved
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sunshinesoprano...I admire you as for being her friend...however, you really cannot help her...This is something she has to want and need to do on her own....Like you've indicated she knows what has happen...she knows what can happen...she along will have to ask God to give her peace and comfort to let her feelings go of this man...She has to do this alone...You can pray on her behalf...because she may be praying in amiss.. Eventually it will get easier...God can remove the circumstances away...but she in her heart have to truly be honest with herself and to God...
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 7:38:09 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano
I think what she's looking for is how to turn it off. Simply put. How does she turn it off like it never existed?
She needs to let go of her feelings as an act of will, give them to God and ask Him to change them into what He wants them to be.
quote:
In fact, she's prayed for their marriage and for his wife every day because she knows there are problems.
How does she know there are problems?
I'm personally not sure that praying for them every day is a good idea, as it keeps him even more in the forefront of her mind.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 8:06:50 PM
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sunshinesoprano
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Yeah, I guess you're right, Preserved. I can't help her other than to let her know she has to take the actions to remove herself emotionally from the situation.
Manda,
I don't know. She just said she knew there were problems. I assume she's either just picked up on it or he told her. I haven't really asked a lot of questions because I've just been letting her talk and I didn't want it to feel like an interrogation.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 9:02:00 PM
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sudden
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There is nothing wrong with loving someone. In fact, the Bible commands that we love one another. Some are easier to love than others and I am sure it is one of those of which you speak.
I am in my 50s and still love all the people I loved back when I dated them some 20 and 30 odd years ago because they were wonderful to me, had qualities I appreciated and were fun to be with. I've often had trouble understanding people who say they no longer love someone!
The nature of that love changes though. I guess what I feel for these people now is a sweet fondness. There is nothing to be bitter about in that none were married or involved in some sort of relationship that they, as your friend "should not" have been. Their only "crime" was to decide I wasn't the one for them and to move on.
We don't continue to pursue people when we are married, have a boyfriend, or when the other person is in a similar circumstance. In other words, we do not act in a way that will be harmful to ourselves, them or others.
If you truly love someone, you will treat him/her in a way that you would like to be treated were the shoe on the other foot.
There is nothing wrong with your friend feeling love for this person but it would seem she knows she "should not" act on it. I will pray that she does not do so.
Sudden
< Message edited by sudden -- 7/21/2008 9:23:20 PM >
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/21/2008 9:02:17 PM
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buckifn
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asking for a transfer to another place within the same company is often times an option...but even if not, she doesn't have to just quit without anything else lined up...of course she should be sending out resumes (internet is a good start too) and explore other options...but if it came down to saving her soul or her job then I would have no problem telling her which to choose.
God will honor her step of faith.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/22/2008 1:23:39 AM
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TorchHeart
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
All you (generic "you") need to do is stop seeing them and stop thinking of them (i.e. casting out thoughts of them when they arise.....and at some point you will stop thinking of them). Eventually the feelings will fade.
This is the only part where I disagree with.
Not sure whether you're disagreement is with the fact that she shouldn't see him anymore or that the feelings will eventually fade. (?) Either way though I stand by what I said. It may take a long time for feelings to fade but in time they will if the person really aknowledges that the relationship was improper and thus cannot continue. It's a matter of resolve and determination IMO.
Sunshinesoprano, I asked if she was married because if she were (or ever had been) she may have a better understanding/empathy for the wife of this man and how she (the wife) would feel if she knew what was going on. Chances are that she suspects something already if her husband's heart is with someone else, kwim?
Have you suggested that she do whatever is in her power to avoid being around this man? If so, what was her response?
I don't disagree with the idea that she shouldn't see this guy anymore. Like I said, I'm not the right person to give advice on that. There might be other options, but I will agree that this one might be the easiest one to go about and avoid harming the other person's marriage.
I disagree with the assumption that feelings will generally fade out. I think its naive to suggest that they simply will, even over a long period of time. More likely, you just deal with the feelings and carry on. This is why I suggested confrontation of the feelings, rather than avoidance. It might make them easier to deal with or come to terms to (and maybe they will go away). However, I do acknowege the potential risk involved with this action.
< Message edited by TorchHeart -- 7/22/2008 1:42:04 AM >
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/22/2008 7:02:24 AM
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DaveW
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All of this is just my opinion given freely so it may only be worth what you paid for it....
IMO, this friend has a serious emotional need. Here comes this guy that has already been "housebroken" by being married. He is a believer of good humor and character, and probably exactly what she was looking for in a guy. So having the emotions go out for him is entirely natural. But, as has been said, it is also very dangerous. I believe that is exactly what Paul was writing about here:
1 Co 7:2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.
The real solution to this is to pray for her "Mr Right" to show up on the scene.
As to the idea of trying to "despise" him, that does not work on 2 levels:
1 Spiritually - he is a brother in the Lord, and we are not to despise one another.
2 Emotionally - that does not happen usually without the guy emotionally hurting her badly and her not forgiving him.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/22/2008 8:51:06 AM
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sunshinesoprano
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I agree that there's an empty space that's being filled by him in her.
I also agree that it's a bad idea to try to hate him. They've been friends quite a while....I think about 5 years or so. She admits that she made mistakes early on, but has tried to guard her heart and her feelings once she realized what was happening.
I'm just going to tell her she has to learn to think again...learn to see him as a friend and a brother in Christ ONLY and to understand why she fell for him. She knows she's in dangerous territory. I don't need to remind her of that.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/22/2008 10:22:06 AM
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laura...
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quote:
In fact, she's prayed for their marriage and for his wife every day because she knows there are problems. She's not a bad person.
If she knows that he is having problems in his marriage then she knows too much. Sounds to me like they engage in personal conversations. If he is telling her his woes then he is acting inappropriately for the work place and may actually be fishing. This is another reason why telling him of her feelings would be very dangerous.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/22/2008 12:19:03 PM
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sunshinesoprano
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I think it must have come up in conversation, probably casually. I don't think it was something long-elaborated on, though.
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