Feeling violated of space and time! (Full Version)

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funny_girl -> Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 12:32:34 PM)

We just started moving last week due to an hour commute from my husband's church. So now we live within walking distance of the church. This morning someone woke us up calling and a couple hours later show up at our house unannounced! I went and hid in the bathroom while my husband shows them our house.

I FEEL VIOLATED!

I came into the living room after they'd left and said I needed to talk to someone very compassionate. I said that he needed to set up boundaries and office hours because I felt very violated. Why did he let them in? It rained last night and there's a puddle in the entry way, I was in m PAJAMA'S! IT'S MONDAY! Sheesh! This lady KNOWS I'm not a morning person and yet shows up BEFORE 11 a.m.!

UGH!!!!

My husband told me I was selfish and if it was my idea it'd been ok. Well, if he stayed hidden in the bedroom while I entertained my guests, NO IT WOULDN'T be OK! Then, I started bawling!

I'm tired and grumpy and ANGRY! I told him if this type of thing continued, I'd be out of here fast! There's only one other time I had to hide. I hid in the closest until someone left.

I don't care if we are missionaries or pastor's we are just people! Last time this happened, I was bleaching out the tile floors when someone shows up to discuss their event 8 months before it was to happen. My mom told me that my husband would have to set up office hours then and I just ended up moving back to Guadalajara to get away. Praise God our house sold last week, but I'm not so sure I'm really glad about it.



crankius -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 12:44:28 PM)

Is this a person who is considered a friend?

I can see this both ways. On the one hand, I understand the need for space and yes, good boundaries are needed.

But on the other hand, it can be very nice to know that when someone just drops by I can bring them in, serve them a cup of tea, and sit down and genuinely ask them how they are doing--take the time to really visit. Frankly, I don't think people mind if they see I have a chore or two going on in my home. It certainly lets them know I am human and clean my toilets just the same as everyone!


But yes, I agree, it is good to have healthy boundaries. I personally don't just show up at someone's house without first calling, and they have the same respect for me.

Different cultures follow different unwritten rules of respect, though, and this may be the issue where you live. Perhaps there is a way your church family could be graciously made aware of your desires to have a phone call before people just drop by.



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 12:49:03 PM)

Our church is multiculturial. This couple are expats from Florida. They think we're their friends but they aren't in my inner circle and very few people are in my inner circle. That's probably the problem. We treat everyone, no matter what their status, with respect and they'll feel very comfortable with us. The problem is that not all of them are really as close to me as they believe they are, I guess. Yes, if I were REALLY awake and ready to socialize, a drop in visit would be fine, but this was REALLY bad timing.

Thank you for writing to me, it means so much.



crankius -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 12:55:56 PM)

You have this new home, right? Maybe you could host an open house for a couple hours to give everyone in the church the opportunity to see the home and visit with you?

And then you both could somehow graciously make it clear that with living so close to the church, you appreciate a phone call prior to a visit. Your husband could even announce in the church, something like, "We are so happy to be living closer to our church family, and to help us and my dear family, please call when you would like to visit and we will gladly open our doors to you."

I'm sure others will have helpful advice for you.



earthless -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 1:00:12 PM)

I don't see any problems with you wanting boundaries and a heads up for non-emergencies. I hope your situation gets better and Lord knows there are people that lack common sense.



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 1:04:16 PM)

I thought about the open house too. I wondered if it'd have to be at two seperate times, one in Spanish and one for the English?

Thanks for the sweet comment earthless. I do too. Just having a bad day.[:(]



earthless -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 1:08:00 PM)

Unless you guys will have a good translator there.. then I would advise you guys do two separate times. Even with a translator, as I know you know, that breaks the flow of the event and conversation.. so it may very well just be better with two separate times.



hjemerson -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 3:26:32 PM)

You have some very good advice , set the boundaries, the twoopen hpse sound great, ,It can be a hard task I have been friends with pastors family and it can and will take a told on you home life. We lived on a christian campus and were drom parents , we had a open door police .call,knock, leave a message,( retrun the masssag asp if needed ) but remember we are a family to too! You may need to keep the inner circle in this boundy also . We let friens know we are in private time at XXX going to sleep etc, and we get up aroundXX time before and aftert that we love to have phone calls and leave a message! A lot of this happen when the church live close on on the church grounds! In all cultures!



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 3:37:03 PM)

Thank you, you all confirmed how I was feeling. Now if I can just get my husband to understand. Unfortuneately, it'll probably take a few days to sink in for him and then he'll make a change. How come some men have a hard time discussing things that aren't their ideas? After 20 years, I guess I should have been more ready for what happened, it was just a horrible feeling.

This is sorta funny. The time I hid in the closet was from a Mexican guy who REALLY wanted to be in my inner circle, but you can't force yourself in someone's inner circle. I hid in the closet and called one of my closest friends from my cell phone in the closet and begged him to help me, lol. That particular night, I went to my friend's church, helped him in his worship practice and then we all went to tacos afterwards. He laught at me hiding in the closet calling him. My husband doesn't seem to get it. [&o] Lord Jesus, help us!

Honestly, I think my husband will get it. I told him what I'd allow for me and he'll have to deal with it. His office will be set up in our apartment over the church and the people can call him, but I don't appreciate being awakened by someone wanting to make a birthday list! I'm tired! We're just moving in. Someone said that sometimes people lack common sense, duh! I'm NOT Jesus! [:D]



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 3:42:55 PM)

If I remember correctly, you homeschool. If it were me and if this really bothered me, i would probably try to have all my homeschooling done by 2pm. When I am homeschooling, I would put up a sign that stated that school was in session and please come back after 2.

Frankly, I wouldn't have thought 11 to be early. Most people I know except phone calls and visits anytime after 10 am. As it is, my house tends to be like revolving door with people coming as early as 8am. They are usually here for on business or to visit other people in our home, with the exception of the piano teacher who comes to see me too. They just know that that they are not here to see me, although I will greet them if I see them. They also know that if I am not expecting visitors of my own, I might be in my nighty and bathrobe. Who cares? Sometimes the piano teacher sees me just rolling out of bed if I am not feeling well. My point is to try to relax and not let things freak you out so much. If they see you in your robe and you are busy getting your day started, they will probably be more likely to take care of their business and get out of there quickly. They may even remember to call first next time because they will see you as having a life, and yet they will know that if they had a real need that they could still come to you.



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 3:48:44 PM)

We homeschool, but he's on his own w/the computer and a senior this year. My oldest just graduated and left last night for YWAM. I'm very emotional right now and if I'm not rested, even less social.

It's 2:46 p.m. I've relaxed, had devotions, breakfast and lunch. Now I need to shower and be out of the house by 3:30 p.m. We'll drive one hour to Guadalajara to pick up a package, drive 20-30 minutes to pick up our kitchen cabinet and then we have a birthday party to celebrate the superintendent's birthday at 7:30 p.m. in Guadalajara. We may get dinner at the party and then we'll have an hour to drive home. I don't know what time we'll get to bed. This is Mexico and often meetings start at 8 p.m. while most Americans are getting ready for bed. So, putting me available at 8 a.m. is not possible.



Abbreviated -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 3:53:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lil_gringa

We just started moving last week due to an hour commute from my husband's church. So now we live within walking distance of the church. This morning someone woke us up calling and a couple hours later show up at our house unannounced! I went and hid in the bathroom while my husband shows them our house.

I don't always answer the phone. Do you have an answering machine ? If so let them leave a message then return it at YOUR convenience.

I FEEL VIOLATED!

It WILL be ok. Violated is a strong word.

I came into the living room after they'd left and said I needed to talk to someone very compassionate. I said that he needed to set up boundaries and office hours because I felt very violated. Why did he let them in? It rained last night and there's a puddle in the entry way, I was in m PAJAMA'S! IT'S MONDAY! Sheesh! This lady KNOWS I'm not a morning person and yet shows up BEFORE 11 a.m.!

Sounds like she came to see the house not the occupants.

UGH!!!!

My husband told me I was selfish and if it was my idea it'd been ok. Well, if he stayed hidden in the bedroom while I entertained my guests, NO IT WOULDN'T be OK! Then, I started bawling!

How long did she stay ?

I'm tired and grumpy and ANGRY! I told him if this type of thing continued, I'd be out of here fast! There's only one other time I had to hide. I hid in the closest until someone left.

Why do you hide ? This has happened twice in what time span ?

I don't care if we are missionaries or pastor's we are just people! Last time this happened, I was bleaching out the tile floors when someone shows up to discuss their event 8 months before it was to happen. My mom told me that my husband would have to set up office hours then and I just ended up moving back to Guadalajara to get away. Praise God our house sold last week, but I'm not so sure I'm really glad about it.

I would have offered they help !! We have a porch & sometimes dh talks to people out there. Not everyone is invited in.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 3:56:16 PM)

LOL! I have American friends that I wouldn't call at 8am! 10am is the going time for most Americans. I do the 8am thing because I just have a lot to do, and I need to get stuff going as early as possible.

Actually I have friends that I won't call until I see them online here so I KNOW that they are up and about.

You don't look old enough to have kids that age!

Please, don't hide in closets! Just act everything is normal and make sure that you have a modest robe within reach. Relax.



GroupW -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 4:30:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthless

I don't see any problems with you wanting boundaries and a heads up for non-emergencies. I hope your situation gets better and Lord knows there are people that lack common sense.


I agree wholeheartedly.



pbaribeault -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 4:41:58 PM)

I'm not sure this would help, coming from a Canadian perspective and adding a 3rd culture to the mix. I'd use a social convention that might not exist for you guys that I call 'firm subtext'. It's when you make an offhand pleasant sounding comment, while looking someone right in the eye to show them that you've meant what you said, but don't think that either of you wants the drama of being direct about it.

In this case it might be, with a smile, "Wow, you're up-and-at-it early! I never feel like myself before 10:00." With a direct look, anybody I know would be able to translate that as, "No hard feelings this time, but, seriously don't ever come over before 10:00 again." The other Canadian would apologize by saying something like, "It's interesting how people's internal clocks are really different, eh?" (Meaning: "I'm sorry; I just didn't think about it that way. I didn't mean to disturb you.")

But I think the real reason you are bothered is not that this woman came, or that you were uncomfortable for a short time -- but really that your husband failed to anticipate that you were likely to be feeling that way, that he downplayed it when you tried to explain, and even when you became highly emotional sent you an apparent non-love message by staying on-topic and sticking to the ministry perspective.

He's not good with boundaries and doesn't see out of your eyes. He fails to protect you from things that hurt and frighten you, rather he invites those things and seems to think that that's the right way to be a minister. Compassionate, open, available... and some couples are, and it works for them. It does not work for you. It hurts you and cripples your ministry capacity.

You might try framing it as the idea that making sure you are happy, healthy and comfortable in your role maximizes your ability to minister as a team with him. If he chooses not to protect you, he chooses to go forward with a crippled partner, and does he think that is a good choice for effective kingdom ministry?

He might advise you to just get over it and do ministry in the way that seems right to him. Remind him in this case, that if he has goals for your spiritual and relational growth, he is free to lead and inspire you, but he is not free to shame you or give orders to your heart. Perhaps he has a Bible study in mind that you could do together to grow you in this area? Or another plan? But just trying to flatten your objections is neither kind nor effective.



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/7/2008 9:21:57 PM)

I was so tired and emotional that my husband cancelled the party thing after I spilt my soda all over me in the van. It just fizzed up and I wasn't looking and it was all over the place, lol. I told him how tired I am and frustrated.

You guys/gals are great! Thank you so much for listening to me!

abbreviated:

I don't always answer the phone. Do you have an answering machine ? Yes and no, it was his cell phone on the night stand ringing off that woke us up.



It WILL be ok. Thank you, that's what I needed to hear. Those are the 4 kindest words that I needed!

Sounds like she came to see the house not the occupants. LOL, I think you're right! And they, she and her husband, didn't get to see my bathroom! LOL


How long did she stay ? I think only 30 minutes. It's a long time to sit on the john.


Why do you hide ? This has happened twice in what time span ? Because I was in my pajamas making breakfast and wasn't in any mood to be social face to face.
Well, good point, not often. In Guadalajara, we used to have a recording studio in our home and had people in the house almost everyday. But the one fellow was wanting to hang out and not just pass through to the studio. Not everyone has the privilege of seeing me with no makeup and house clothes. This will sound funny, but I'm in a silly mood. You see, I have an 'image' to keep up cause I'm a singer too. (that's a joke) These people have taken the paparatzi to another level with me, LOL That's true! I found some terrible pictures posted of me on the church bulletin board and I took them down and my husband hide them for me. Practically every picture this woman has of herself, her eyes are closed!

I would have offered they help !! We have a porch & sometimes dh talks to people out there. Not everyone is invited in Cute comment. I wish we lived in an area that we could have a patio furniture out but it'd get stolen. I'm hesitant to put plants in a pot out the front door. I made it quite clear that people were not invited in if I wasn't presentable.

pharibeault,

Yep, so right on in many ways. We actually have a lot of Canadians in our church. Great idea and I hope I can remember that. We did try and hash this out when we went out and yes, he tried to tell me that no one would put up with the way I was acting and I told him that yes there were quite a few. He twisted some things and basically I called him on the table for putting those people first, before me and he tried to twist it and become the victim and blah blah blah. I told him he promised to cherish me and that a soft answer turns away wrath. Yes, it's kind of exhausting to deal with a choleric personality. I love him because I can count on him in so many blessed ways, but when it comes to meeting emotional needs, he lacks. It's not entirely his fault, but I sure miss a kind man. My grandpa was a kind, gentle man who took care of his girls. I was thinking this morning that I see a lot of my grandfather's gentleness in my little brother and I adore him for it. Well, that was certainly off topic. My husband is jealous of the online forums and he threw that up at me during this. I told him he wasn't able to satisfy all the talking I need to do and he should be grateful that I have an outlet. 20 blissful years we'll celebrate the end of the month. You'd think I'd learned to just give him a few days and it'll all soak in and I'll probably get the response I wanted today.



rcjames -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 9:37:41 AM)

Personally I would never tell folks that they could not come to the house and knock on the door or call; whatever time of the day or night that it might be.

If it is a really bad time for my family, I ask the folks the nature of the business, if it is not an evergency, I ask them to come back later or else meet me at the Church. If they are really distressed over something I ask them in and tell them to pardon the mess.

I may be old fashioned, but I feel a Pastor is a pastor and that pastoring is to be done when ever pastoring is needed to be done.


Thanks
RC



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 9:55:38 AM)

RC, yes, you're old fashion and SO IS my husband! I think the final word about this situation is that I would appreciate him not inviting the people in the house, showing them the house if I'm not up to it. The reality is that yesterday was an exceptionally bad day for me. Hormones, being OVERLY tired, and basically needing a VERY good rest and so I completely over reacted. This was not a normal situation and I was very upset about it. The woman is now writing me on my forum on my board and I'm going to do the pharibeault response! Wish me luck![:D] I cannot express how much I appreciate everyone of your responses. It's so much better to vent here than let the people who I'm ministering to and are my friends know how silly and mean I can get. Usually, Jesus IS present in me, but I was hiding Him yesterday morning. LOL


Hows this group? This is my Canadian response, how does it look/sound? I'll even include what she wrote to me!

The woman posts:
quote:

Hey Lori, I sure amhappy for you guys that you were able to sell the house Our house inthe states is in foreclosure, but at lest I am here. Sorry we missed seeing you this morning. Gary said you were getting dressed, I think you were just hiding out!!
Well, tomorrow I work at the Galeria dos Lunas in Ajijic. Keeps me out of trouble.
I liked your rental and the things that Gary is going to do will make it really nice. I told himif he ever gets bored fixing up he can come remodel my kitchen Ha ha!
Talk toyou soon
Love ya,



My response, maybe:
quote:

Wow girl, you must really be able to recuperate after a move and be able to wake up a WHOLE lot faster than I can. Since moving to Mexico, my day has been pushed 2 hours later and I'm not normally very social before 1 p.m. Some days are better than others and it always depends on the activities of the week so I take one day at a time, sweet Jesus!

Where's this Galaria dos lunas place? I'll come and visit you sometime!




Consecrated2God -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 10:18:42 AM)

I think if it were me I probably would have come out in my pajamas and robe and waved to them, said "Hi" and then excused myself because I was very tired and gone back to bed. [:)]

I don't mind people dropping by, but I figure that if they drop by when I'm not expecting them, they are just going to have to deal with the fact that my house might not be company clean and it might not be a good time. I'm not a different person than I was just because I'm a pastor's wife now.

Does your husband have an office at the church? You say it's withing walking distance--are you in a parsonage? Could people who come over go over there to talk if it's not a good time for you?



PrincessDonna -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 10:44:30 AM)

quote:

Actually I have friends that I won't call until I see them online here so I KNOW that they are up and about.


Who would THAT be?[;)]

Lil-gringa, could you make a deal with your husband that if people stop by before a certain time, he may entertain them on the porch? Set up a nice, inviting area, table and chairs and they have no need to come into your house.

I would feel violated too. I have very few friends that stop by unannounced, but the ones that do have seen me in jammies too. LOL We're not morning people either, so I hear ya.

(Here it is now after 10:30 and I am dressed, but haven't brushed my hair or teeth yet...so...yeah...)



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 10:52:24 AM)

Donna,

We're missionaries living in Mexico. I'd love to have a patio set on the front porch but it'd get stolen because we don't live in a gated area. I'm dealing with 2 or more cultures because this is a retirement community for expats(American/Canadians and more) and a vacation spot. Don't laugh at us being here because it wasn't our idea, but a favor to a Mexican superintendant. I also believe it to be God's divine plan because we couldn't be here without the help of these expats in our church. Thank you, it's 9:50 a.m. here and I'm still in my jammy's. I'm going to have breakfast, now that I've woken up and work out, then take shower and I'll probably be ready to socialize by 1 p.m. I've been invited to a party at 3 p.m. to meet some other expats from the other local forums. I'm nervous about it! There'll be other Christians there but it's not a Christian gathering. Oh to be Jesus and shining in dark places!!!!!

Basically, I'm a night person and not a morning person. Push your day 2 hours later and you'll fit into Mexican culture.[;)]



PrincessDonna -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 10:54:16 AM)

quote:

I'd love to have a patio set on the front porch but it'd get stolen because we don't live in a gated area.


Hmmm...could you bolt a bench down? Just kidding... Or maybe keep a few chairs just inside the door and bring them out as needed?



funny_girl -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 10:58:06 AM)

We live within walking distance of the church, where his office is. There's no reason that people need to be in the house we're renting. He just needed to understand my boundaries. He needs to ask me and if I'm not up to it, they can talk outside or as RV suggested, go somewhere else or make other arrangements.

If I'm up and at um, my house can be party central! [:D]

By the way, these people wanted to see the house, and came unannounced. If you read the op it explains that.



rcjames -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 12:02:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lil_gringa
RC, yes, you're old fashion and SO IS my husband! I think the final word about this situation is that I would appreciate him not inviting the people in the house, showing them the house if I'm not up to it.


I think your husband "Inviting" folks over when you do not want him to should be addressed with him.

If my wife told me she was sick or just needed to have quiet time or whatever; I would not invite folks over. If someone showed up I would visit with them on the front porch where I have a porch swing and 3 really nice rocking chairs for just such occasions.

Thsnks
RC



Consecrated2God -> RE: Feeling violated of space and time! (7/8/2008 12:48:24 PM)

quote:

By the way, these people wanted to see the house, and came unannounced.


That would bother me, because I have certain areas of the house that are not open to the public. For example, when I finish washing laundry, I dump it all on my bedroom floor and then twice a week I haul it all into the livingroom and fold it. If you were to come into my bedroom on the wrong day, I'd have a mountain of laundry on the floor. I can always just shut my door if I have company, so it doesn't bother me, but I really wouldn't want just anyone wandering into there uninvited. I'd also like a few minutes to make sure that the boys have picked up their dirty underwear off of their bathroom floor, and that you can actually walk down the stair without killing yourself. [:D]



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