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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/1/2008 8:47:42 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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Thank you...I have sent a PM.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/3/2008 12:36:00 AM
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tiffanymc
Posts: 3
Joined: 2/23/2008
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Wow! I am so sorry for all your pain. I am kinda going through something similar. Couple questions though. You said you have been together/loved each other for 21 yrs? And have been married for 15? And your sons are 16 & 18 right? So I am wondering where is their mother? How did your (you & DH)relationship start? How did you have 2 kids with someone else in there and most importantly if she has been a mother/mother figure to your kids since they were toddlers,Does she love them like they are her kids? Does she love them at all? The way it sounds is as if she don't care about them at all. Maybe whatever her real issue with you is goes back way farther than you think and it has been building up for years. And like someone else said maybe she is having a mid-life crisis. How come you didn't have kids together? Sorry if I am being too personal and asking so many questions.I just read this whole post and finally got to get all or most of the ?'s out of my head. Maybe none of the questions are relevent.I know how frustrating it is when you want to know what is bothering your loved one but they just ignore you. All you want to do is fix it but they don't seem to want to help you fix it.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/3/2008 8:54:34 AM
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norajm
Posts: 43
Joined: 8/5/2008
From: MI
Status: offline
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Swagedsoul,
This is a curiosity question. You say you have been married 15 years, gave her 21 years of love. You refer to your sons as YOUR sons not OUR sons. Is there a reason for that?
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/3/2008 5:28:54 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
Status: offline
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We met and fell in love in 1987. In December of 1988 she started seeing someone else because though we were greatly in love with another...I was being influenced by my father to "never marry" and she thought I would never marry her. They moved away and I moved on with my life.
I was not saved at the time and I started living with another young lady and over the course of 4 years...we had the 2 boys. My girlfriend was a self avowed "B" word...she'd gladly tell you that. I tried to do the right thing when I found out she was pregnant the first time...but she declined my marriage proposal.
In 1991, I became a believer...and things really fell apart between us. We split and in 1993, through a practical miracle in itself, I was able to find DW again...if only to tell her how I had never gotten over her. She felt the same...and had been a believer since childhood...and so we both agreed that there would be NO MORE living together...so we married.
The boys came to live with us in 1997. Their mom tried...but she just couldn't handle raising them. She passed away a few years ago...but I have to say she improved greatly as a mom in the last few years of her life.
DW has been the only true, consistent mother figure the boys have had over the course of their entire lives...but the boys had had some bad, bad influences with regards to DW (from their mom and grandmother on that side of their family) early on...and though she loved(s) them with all of her heart...they never quite accepted her as a mom. We decided to homeschool them a year after they came to live with us...and I worked long hours to ensure that we could afford for my cherished one to stay home and do so.
BUT...this is where the trouble began. The boys started being difficult...just unruly...and exhibiting attitudes towards DW. I, for my part "tried" (not hard enough I see now in retrospect) to straighten them out...but I was sometimes inconsistent because I felt DW could/should have been able to handle these things without calling me at work...or expecting me to handle it after a 14 hour shift. I understand now that I was completely unfair...and not hinoring to my wife by doing this. I took the love of my life, asked her to raise and educate my sons, who had animosity towards her...and I didn't EVER...provide the support she needed/deserved. I began to resent her...and the situation spiraled out of control.
Along comes the teen years....the TEEN years...still long hours...and added a long commute as we had moved into the country which was a dream of ours.
All along...she tried to tell me what she needed...I took it as criticism...she tried to explain it to me...I thought she blamed me...and became defensive...I resented her more. She let the housekeeping basically stop...she messed up our bank accounts (unrelated...but adding to the issues)...and tried to leave a couple times. Each time...I promised to see her POV and change myself...each time...I began to resent her again...and downward it spiraled.
My support for her...when she needed it MORE THAN EVER with teen boys waned...and her heart became somewhat hard towards me...she loved me...but only so far.
I see a lot of things much more clearly now...thanks to me finally wising up and opening my heart to the Spirit...but for years...I knew exactly what the Bible told me that I should be doing...it was all in my HEAD.
Now...it's in my heart...but it may be too late.
I Thank God for opening my heart to her needs and the hurt I have caused her for many years...I understand that she did not/has not/and is not handling herself in a Godly manner...and in fact is in open rebellion against God...she still is a Christian and talks about it...in fact here is a copy of a thread she posted on a Jeep message board on Aug 15...
quote:
[quote="Lisa"]Frank and I were having a discussion about some things that have been said here on the forum, so I felt I had to post this thread.
A true Christian is one who lives their life as close to Christ's as is humanly possible for them at that time in their lives. They live every day trying to live up to Christ's example. We as humans can not live as perfect a life as Christ, but we are to strive for that perfection everyday in our lives. That is my definition of a Christian. Following are some signs that you can look for in a true Christian.
The first and foremost sign of a true Christian is one who has accepted Christ as their Savior, they have given their lives over to Christ and are going to Heaven when they die. This is straight from the Bible, not my opinion....
The next sign of a true Christian is one who tries to live his life as Christ did. Christ lived as a human; He was tempted as we are. He overcame because of His faith and Love of God. He truly knew what Heaven was. We can overcome our sins as well, if we only trust Jesus and God with "faith as small as a mustard seed."
The next sign of a true Christian is one who picks up after he stumbles and carries on following Christ's life. We are human, and therefore have free will. Christ was not a zombie and neither are we. We have free will which means we will stumble and fall, and just like our earthly parents, God will forgive us our sins and accept us as we are. As we are to accept and love each other.
We are not all Mother Theresa. Many of you have seen I have a temper and a mouth to go with it. However, I love those whom I speak out against. Which brings me to the next, and the last (but not least) sign I am going to post in this post.
The sign of a true Christian is one who will hate the sin, but love the sinner.
I have and will continue to call things as I see them. That doesn't mean that I hate the person I am arguing or fighting with. Just because someone disagrees with me doesn't mean I hate them. Just because they are living a life that is different, or wrong in God's eyes doesn't mean I don't want anything to do with them; it means that they are taking the wrong path. They need our love and prayers, just as those who are true Christians need our love and prayers, nay they need it more....
I know there is going to be a lot of flak from some of you about this thread. It might even seem to them that I think I know-it-all...I don't. I have admitted many times in the past that I don't.
My belief in the things I have stated is unshakable. I am very confident that these words are true. That when looked at, taken apart and objectively thought about will ring true to everyone.
Late last night...I called her new lover after doing some research and finding his information. His wife answered the phone...yes...HIS WIFE.
I spoke to him man to man...as a Christian and I explained to him that he was participating in the destruction of 2 marriages...and he understood and told me he would call her and talk to her about it. I had little hope for anything...he seemed genuine...but then maybe he just didn't want me to call his wife.
Today he called my wife and broke it off with her and actually asked her to give me a chance. BUT...I asked him to let me tell her that it was prompted by my call..and he didn't..he told her I called him. Her reaction was about what I figured.
She....hates me. No...she said it's worse than hate...that she just doesn't care anymore. She disagrees with me...but cannot care anymore...has even (apparently) lost her Christian love for me...she told me a few minutes ago that I have to be punished for what I did (calling him and "making" him break it off)...punished. She is not going to speak to me...she intends to be nasty towards me...
She hates me. She may still leave...and I knew that before and very acutely after I called him...but I believe that as her HUSBAND....that it was the right thing to do. I could not stand...if I am to do what God instructs me and be her Spiritual Leader...and let my wife openly, brazenly and dare I say proudly participate in sin such as this...and to her lovers credit...he understood that.
I am ow waiting on God and/or the Holy Spirit to work within her. She is a believer...and eventually...will be CONVICTED. She admitted that what she was doing was wrong...she was just "having a lot of fun"...fun that she doesn't feel like we've had in a long time. I call it infatuation...and she even acknowledged that...but refused to be accountable.
I am praying a lot every day...praying that God will continue to show me where I need to improve, for God to give me the grace to deal with her anger/hatred towards me...and praying that she will come around and that someday...maybe we can use our story honestly to help others...
Pray for us...we need it desperately.
Thank you,
Frank
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/3/2008 6:33:58 PM
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SuccessinTruth
Posts: 76
Joined: 9/3/2008
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Swagedsoul,
My goodness, there has been a lot of flip-flopping, hasn't there? That should prove one thing to you. Just because she says it, doesn't mean that it's the last word. Have faith. It's taken 15 years to get to this hurt, it's going to take a while to heal. One thing I haven't seen on these postings are the words "I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" You can play the blame game until Christ returns and not one thing will get better. When you can both sit down and say 'I should have' and 'I shouldn't have' and 'with God's help, I'll try and I will', you can make some progress. And if she doesn't do it with you, that's ok, she doesn't trust you. You do it, and she'll see that it makes a difference. And you can be sure that you both will stumble, and that's ok too. Just try helping each other up instead of getting angry and hurt. Pray before you open your mouth and let God's words come out instead of the one's that you've been rehearsing. And as far as what her position is and what your children's position is in your home, please check your Bible. It'll save a lot of heartache. Last, and most important, start focusing on the Lord instead of the problems in your marriage. I know it isn't easy, but when you put Him first, where He belongs, the rest can be put in order. God bless you.
_____________________________
May we Glorify the Lord in all that we say and do
SuccessinTruth
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/3/2008 9:28:43 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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I know...in my heart that I have dropped the ball in my role as husband....and father. I learned this...truly learned it when I stopped even looking at her failures and mistakes as such. I see them...but realize that they are not mine to "fix" and right now she is not receptive to anything I might have to say on the matter anyway.
It is taking a LOT of God's grace for me to not argue...not point out where she is wrong.
Earlier before I left for the marriage class at church (alone...of course)...I asked her something and she got nasty towards me...and OHHHH...I wanted to counter her...tell her she is just being mean...but I quietly asked God for His grace...and when she was done I waited a couple seconds, gently told her that I loved her and walked away.
I was out feeding the horses..and I stopped, leaned against the fence and listened...and after a minute I asked God to speak to me...that I was being still and listening. I believe that I received an answer to what was bothering me...and all I can say is that God is AWESOME! :D
When I left...she was browsing an online job board looking for a job that would take her away from home...so we have a long way to go...but on the bright side...when I got home I found she was lying in bed...I asked her if she was down for the night and she kind of testily said "of course"...I touched her arm and said "Goodnight honey"...and she actually said goodnight. Lately...if I have added something like "honey, baby, my love etc" she ignores me...so either she slipped...or...
She probably slipped...but I was grateful. 
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/4/2008 6:59:37 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
Status: offline
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Definitely a slip... 
She is purposefully trying me...and at times is being particularly mean to me...her "punishment".
I count it all joy...but I am here to ask for any who are willing to pray for me...
Today...when it was time for lunch (I had a class to go to...and returned to her work location with both our lunches)...I approached her and asked if she wanted to eat alone...or if it was OK if I sat with her. She was listening to her MP3 player and reading a book...and she replied a might testily "I don't care."
So I placed her lunch on the table...and prepared mine. She ignored me the entire hour I sat there...but I opened my heart to the Lord and prayed...sometimes closing my eyes and enjoying the heat, the breeze...and the sounds of the day...and sometimes just watching her...and I was struck with how she is so profoundly beautiful to me...after about an hour I decided to give her some space...I had several things I needed to know before I could go...so I touched her arms...with noticeable irritation she pulled one of her ear plugs out...I asked the first question...she snapped an answer and as I wass asking the next...she popped the earphone back in. I waited patiently for a minute...and then touched her arm again. With more irritation she yanked it out and I very sweetly tried to explain that if she would allow me to ask what I need...I wouldn't have to bother her again...she took it the wrong way...and popped it back in.
I was agitated...but asked God for more of His grace (does it ever run out? I sure hope not... ;) )and I stood there...looking at her face for about a minute...thinking the same thing as above...how beautiful the woman God made for me is...and I was grinning when i walked away.
Tonight...I broke a little and told her I wasn't keen on having to sell off some of my stuff to buy animal feeds (and almost all of them are hers) and not be shown some genuine (as in not condescending) appreciation. I thought it was a fair and loving thing to say...expressing my genuine feelings. She mocked me...laughed at me and told me that she "doesn't give a cr**"...and then laughed and told me that she knew I would break today because of the "smirk" I had on my face when I left her this afternoon. I tried to explain what my smile was all about and she chose to be condescending to me...so I just told her that what I was saying was the truth...and she didn't have to believe it if she didn't want to...she just snickered at me and rolled her eyes. She started yelling at me and told me that she "warned" me yesterday that this was how it was going to be for the the indeterminate future...two weeks...or until whenever she decides to stop. I told her that she could be how she wants to be...but I am not required to like it...or even pretend that I do. She went into the house...as we were out near the horses.
I prayed again for God's grace...and He blessed me with exceeding quantities...I went into the house...reiterated what I told her about my so-called "smirk" and she laughed mockingly at me...I was able to just smile and begin to help with dinner. She snapped at me several times like I was an errant child...but eventually the attitude subsided.
Guys and gals...there will be times during the trial by fire that I will be weak...and I will begin to fail...and I will forget to stop and ask God for His grace...and I really...really need you folks to be praying for me...and for us...if you will.
Thanks so very much,
Frank
< Message edited by swagedsoul -- 9/4/2008 9:07:27 PM >
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/10/2008 9:19:45 AM
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catlady11
Posts: 56
Joined: 4/18/2005
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Keeping you and your wife in prayer. Any updates?
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/10/2008 9:34:37 AM
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dianetavegia
Posts: 2030
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrtigger
If the house & accounts are marital property, she will almost certainly get half of them regardless of what she has or hasn't contributed. She'll probably will get alimony too.
Actually, it depends where they live. In our extended family, a young wife is paying to support a deadbeat ex-husband who won't get a real job. She has to give him over 1/4th her income!
_____________________________
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/17/2008 6:40:20 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
Status: offline
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Not really...I am praying like a crazy man about hourly for the restoration of my marriage. She is dead set on the idea that she can no longer trust me with her heart...EVER and so there is no point in going on.
I pointed out that any future relationships she has will have pot holes from previous storms in their life and it will be even harder to work out those problems with a new person. We have 21 years of history...and I see more and more of it was hard for her...but I also see that some of my actions/inactions were due to things she did/didn't do.
I take responsibility for not being the Godly husband...and this allowed a lot of these situations to exist...but we all are responsible for our own actions...and she refuses to acknowledge that right now. (not that I have tried to point it out...just that she just wants to blame me for EVERYTHING).
Although I doubt she will go...I have asked ger again tonight via email (sitting in the same room to avoid getting into it) if she will go to my appointment with the counselor this Saturday.
Please....if you have a moment...pray for the restoration of our marriage. I love thus woman as never before...and I want to be her husband until I die.
Thank you...
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 9/18/2008 1:19:16 AM
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divorcingmyself
Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2008
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5. Be certain to get an attorney that is a Christian. It will make a huge difference in how the process goes.
4. Be prepared to be treated horribly by the courts and the Church. The most common experience of Christian men is to be blamed for not being "you fill in the blank" enough to "cause" her to repent (just look at the general attitudes expressed in the divorce one-stops in this forum).
3. Find a local DivorceCare group that has at least one male as a facilitator. The others tend to be male-bashing. DivorceCare for Kids is a good program and may help with their issues.
2. Be careful when dealing with pastors in your congregation. Most are not prepared to deal with this situation (the wife as the protagonist). If you get counseling, be certain that the counselor is a professional with academic training in addition to Biblical Counseling training.
1. But most of all, hang onto the reality that in His Grace, the Father loves you and will protect you.
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Don't give up. Be the man that you know God has called you to be and trust Him to soften her heart towards you. Miracles do happen. 
