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Why do I do this? - 10/26/2009 11:41:05 PM
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RichLP
Posts: 1131
Joined: 5/4/2005
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Why do I get so easily ... smitten? over women?
I just met a girl. She's very attractive (not just her physical attributes... she exudes warmth and I can easily tell by her words so far she's a solid, committed believer; this plays a role; and, her physical attributes, while nice, are not what I historically found attractive)... intelligent... educated... elegant... has a warm, huge smile...
I barely know her. I had ONE date. We're going to have another one. Still from the little I know of her I feel she is excellent relationship material. And I'm dying to see her again and can't wait until I do.
So ... well... why am I so easily smitten? I don't want to be this way! - meaning I may later find out that despite her many good qualities, she may not be God's chosen one for me.
Hey I am not complaining. I'm delighted to have met her. But how do I know this "smitten" feeling is human/carnal... or whether it's God working here????
HELP!!!!!
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/27/2009 11:44:32 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2433
Joined: 9/26/2007
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I think you are doing a manful job of trying to hold a knife to your own throat, Rich. You are correct to question jumping in so quick. Continue to make yourself stop following the actions your hair-trigger emotions demand.
Even if emotions are going nuts, we have to do what needs to be done, decently and in order as Scripture says. 1 Cor. 14:40 Our heads are to rule over our hearts.
If our hearts continue going nuts, we can still do what needs to be done. It looks like you are, so I'd discount the emotions (say, "There they go again. <snort>") and get on with what's at hand (getting out of bed, going to work, eating a meal, etc.).
Your emotions are going to reflect (eventually) what you're feeding them, so be aware of what you may be pampering in your head. Part of this, too, is the God-given desire to be married, but you can sit on that, too, since He hasn't given you a marriage partner yet. You can channel some of that into throwing yourself into other activities (and yeah, it's not the same, but it might help some).
I'm sorry you're uncomfortable, Rich. I didn't marry until my late thirties, so I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through, and it's tough. May God comfort and bless you.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/27/2009 12:24:59 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2580
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
I think you are doing a manful job of trying to hold a knife to your own throat, Rich. You are correct to question jumping in so quick. Continue to make yourself stop following the actions your hair-trigger emotions demand.
Even if emotions are going nuts, we have to do what needs to be done, decently and in order as Scripture says. 1 Cor. 14:40 Our heads are to rule over our hearts.
If our hearts continue going nuts, we can still do what needs to be done. It looks like you are, so I'd discount the emotions (say, "There they go again. <snort>") and get on with what's at hand (getting out of bed, going to work, eating a meal, etc.).
Your emotions are going to reflect (eventually) what you're feeding them, so be aware of what you may be pampering in your head. Part of this, too, is the God-given desire to be married, but you can sit on that, too, since He hasn't given you a marriage partner yet. You can channel some of that into throwing yourself into other activities (and yeah, it's not the same, but it might help some).
I'm sorry you're uncomfortable, Rich. I didn't marry until my late thirties, so I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through, and it's tough. May God comfort and bless you.
Amen to all of that. 
RichLP,
In addition to what Deermousie said...
Don't beat yourself up for getting excited over such a good prospect for a relationship. She sounds like someone TO get excited over!  Just don't let the excitement override all else. Deermousie's counsel about being careful about what and how much you are feeding your thoughts is key in this mental battle. It's not that admiring such a fine woman of God is a bad thing... it's that letting your thoughts go like unreined horses isn't warranted right now. It's not appropriate at this stage. That time may come (that is, marriage). But it's not yet.
Prayer is key as well. Prayer for yourself and prayer for her.
And... if you've not already done it, get a male mentor in on this with you -- to help you lead the relationship wisely and well, at a good pace.
And... she may be feeling fluttery too. So... you're likely not alone in this "butterflies of excitement about all the possibilities" stage. (Many of us feel that way at the beginning of a newly possible relationship.)
Hang in there, bro! In Christ, you can do all things that are good and pleasing and right in God's sight!!! (See Philippians 4:13 and Deuteronomy 6:18.) 
_____________________________
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/27/2009 12:45:49 PM
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RichLP
Posts: 1131
Joined: 5/4/2005
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Deermousie and Elena1030, thank you... In recent years I've become more rational and very fact-based in my arguments w/ others over any issue, and this shouldn't be different. The facts are that she gave me a good impression, but I still know very little about her.
I am reminding myself a lot in prayer to trust God no matter what. Recently in church a sister performed an instrumental rendition of "I cast all my cares upon You;" some cried, and while I didn't, as the melody started, I felt my heart literally warm up and pound and I closed my eyes as I delighted in the truth of God's trustworthiness. Recent sermons have called upon me to trust in God in all things and this is one of them. I'm praying for my marriage, and I pray that I will love and honor this woman as she isn't mine, but God's; as she's a sister in the Lord; and, as she's also making herself vulnerable in search of a mate. Every time I go out on a date these days I mentally tell myself when I meet the woman, "remember, this woman isn't yours, she belongs to God, and until God authorizes it, she will never be yours."
On our first date I offered to say grace; she accepted, and one thing I said was, "God, whatever happens, I ask that You will be glorified." That's another part of my attitude.
And yes, hopefully she's thinking warmly of me as well. We exchanged emails in the past hour regarding our 2nd date... I'm excited.
And it's not so much that I'm uncomfortable. I like the excitement. The uncertainty of where this will lead is what makes me anxious!
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/27/2009 10:22:51 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2433
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RichLP
And it's not so much that I'm uncomfortable. I like the excitement. The uncertainty of where this will lead is what makes me anxious![/font][/size]
There are 6 billion people on this planet. I've heard America has 3% of the world's population, so half of that is female and roughly a sixth of those are single, and 84% of Americans believe in God so that's... about 12,600,000 American single Christian women. About. So 12,599,999 won't be marrying you, but are your sisters in Christ.
What are the odds (humanly speaking) that she is one of the 12,599,999? Pretty high. So treat how you'd want her future husband to know about (which I'm sure you do anyway) and don't let your imagination carry you off. She's not yours. She is your sister. She's someone's future wife. Repeat as necessary.
When I have trouble with fantasizing about what I want, I have to repeat this mantra over and over. I almost have to grab my own collar and shake myself, especially if it's something I want badly. I have to let the fantasy go. God will provide just what I need in just His perfect timing.
So grab your own collar, Brother, and do what ya gotta do. I'm praying for you.
An aside: I once dated a guy that I was sure was The One. Everything about him was practically perfect. As I prayed about it, God kept telling me, "Wait." No voice, just strong conviction that I'm sure didn't come from me (it sure wasn't what I wanted to hear). I waited a year.  Finally, I really blew it, and told God, "I don't care what You say - I'm taking this guy." (I cringe about that now - how preposterous to dictate to and disobey God). Then almost like I could hear it, God said, "No. He's not for you." I no longer cared. I dived into this relationship... and the guy promptly dumped me.
I look back on that now as a severe mercy. I've seen from a distance how this guy has trainwrecked his life. There but for the great grace and long-suffering of God go I.
And the guy I did marry? They're alike in some ways, except the one I married was true-hearted and not trying to trick people into thinking he was a good guy. I got the Christian and didn't get the pretender (he hasn't walked with the Lord ever since he married, his friends tell me). I got the one who loves me and not the one who pretended because he was insecure and I looked like a handy prop.
Edited because I can't count
< Message edited by deermousie -- 10/28/2009 11:56:51 AM >
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/28/2009 11:06:04 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 2146
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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Being smitten is fun... and you seem to have been developing a more holistic view of women, even just in the length of time you've been posting here. It made me smile to hear you mention her heart and her smile, as well as her 'physical attributes'. I think you've got a good grip on yourself.
And no girl wants to date a guy who's not crazy about her at some level. It's not a job interview. You can have a blast, and be thoughtful about the whole thing... as long as you know which part of yourself has the upper hand in the end.
You might want to take up the spiritual discipline of fasting on a regular basis. It's a helpful thing on many levels, including (but not limited to) 1. Affirming and proving which part of you 'has the upper hand' and 2. Opening your spiritual receiver wide for direct guidance. Both of which would be awfully handy in this kind of situation.
_____________________________
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Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/29/2009 1:48:34 PM
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bricole77
Posts: 358
Joined: 7/28/2006
From: Grand Haven, MI
Status: offline
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I do the same thing. I blame my romantic spirit. The only suggestion I have for you is when I feel I'm getting all "gaga" over a guy I get really busy. Go work out, hang out with friends, watch a movie whatever. But I agree it is fun to have a crush:)
_____________________________
~*britanni *~
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/29/2009 11:08:07 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
Posts: 510
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
Status: offline
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RichLP,
I hope I am not overstepping my bounds here... but I've noticed a pattern with you. You meet a pretty girl, you think she's awesome and perfect, you flutter into fuzzies and then in about a month or so you come crashing back down to earth and you kick the "new" girl to the curb for one reason or another.
Might I make a suggestion?
Is it possible you are looking for perfection? Some guys (and gals) search for perfection in the opposite sex. In a way, it gives them a sense of worth, importance, or excitement. They are all aglow until the "new" wears off and they begin to see that the other person is human just like them. Sometimes we think people that we percieve as beautiful or handsome or "perfect" will make us a better person. That somehow our lives will magically change and we will be validated. But that never happens.
1st question you should ask yourself: Are you OK with who you are without a Miss right?
2nd question are you a perfectionist? Perfectionists are really just people who have a knack for seeing what's wrong with EVERYTHING (LOL); because no one or thing is perfect.
3. Are you prepared to have a relationship with someone who is wholly imperfect and flawwed?
4. Are you aware that your goal in the relationship is to love HER as ultimately as YOU can, and serve HER?
Often we go into relationships looking for things, like romance, companionship, etc. These are cool things to want, but remember, real love that keeps a marriage is that kind that knows sometimes things don't always go there. Are you prepared to love and individual and not just a gender?
It's okay to get a few butterflies, but to be realistic and realize that real relationships are built on more than that. They are built on an intent by both to become a support and a confidant to the other. Are you able to provide that? Are you willing? Are you willing to overlook weaknesses and faults?
Just a few things to ponder as you go forward.
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/30/2009 11:35:48 AM
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RichLP
Posts: 1131
Joined: 5/4/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
I've noticed a pattern with you. You meet a pretty girl, you think she's awesome and perfect, you flutter into fuzzies and then in about a month or so you come crashing back down to earth and you kick the "new" girl to the curb for one reason or another.
Are you saying it's not normal for two people to get excited when they first start dating, aka fuzzies?
As for "kicking" - no. I don't know what you've read, but if I've decided to end relationships, it was never kicking, and I gave them honest explanations and reasons; these messages were delivered diplomatically and respectfully. If you're going to refer to kicking anybody to the curb, you're talking to the wrong person.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
Is it possible you are looking for perfection? Some guys (and gals) search for perfection in the opposite sex. In a way, it gives them a sense of worth, importance, or excitement. They are all aglow until the "new" wears off and they begin to see that the other person is human just like them. Sometimes we think people that we percieve as beautiful or handsome or "perfect" will make us a better person. That somehow our lives will magically change and we will be validated. But that never happens.
Perfection does not exist. Believe me, I am not going to blindly "fill in the blanks this time." If there is anything different between the past which you claim to have read, I'm much spiritually healthier this time. I'm letting God be in charge now.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
1st question you should ask yourself: Are you OK with who you are without a Miss right?
Yes, I'm quite content w/ the person I am and am still growing and developing into, both on a human level (interests, etc) and on a spiritual level (not that I am content with where I am spiritually; I want to know God more and more deeply. But God has me in a good place now and I'm grateful).
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
2nd question are you a perfectionist? Perfectionists are really just people who have a knack for seeing what's wrong with EVERYTHING (LOL); because no one or thing is perfect.
I've been picky but I'm more flexible now. I dare not ask for perfection because I'm not perfect.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
3. Are you prepared to have a relationship with someone who is wholly imperfect and flawwed?
Absolutely. ]The woman I speak of here is not "pretty" in my standard definition. Many women I dated were - though they all had their own look, they tended to be quite physically attractive (face or body or both). This woman's beauty is more internal. Nothing wrong with her face - she IS pretty, with a lovely complexion, a very pretty and warm smile. But she made it clear to me Christ is central in her life. I wish to see more of this in specifics, but I can sense it already.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
4. Are you aware that your goal in the relationship is to love HER as ultimately as YOU can, and serve HER?
Yes. When I think of her, or when I pray and I lift her up as a prayer topic, I ask the Lord for strength to focus on HIM and not on her or on me (in excessive ways). I ask Him to help me abound in HIS holy love, a love that is pure, unselfish, not puffed up, and seeks not its own, does not envy. I wish to walk in the Spirit so that I shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. This woman - and every Christian woman - is my sister in Christ. God has commanded me to love her and to honor her. No fraud. No dishonesty. No uncleanness. She is part of the Body of Christ. She isn't mine until God gives her to me and even if He does, she will always be HIS first and foremost.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
Often we go into relationships looking for things, like romance, companionship, etc. These are cool things to want, but remember, real love that keeps a marriage is that kind that knows sometimes things don't always go there. Are you prepared to love and individual and not just a gender?
Yes.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
It's okay to get a few butterflies, but to be realistic and realize that real relationships are built on more than that. They are built on an intent by both to become a support and a confidant to the other. Are you able to provide that? Are you willing? Are you willing to overlook weaknesses and faults?
Just a few things to ponder as you go forward.
Yes. I know it's not "take." It's a lot of GIVE, a lot of SACRIFICE. Love is action. Not just that butterfly/jittery emotion. That stuff fades. Real love is deep. I'm very loyal and very affectionate.
Any more questions?
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RE: Why do I do this? - 10/30/2009 12:31:00 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 3950
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RichLP
Why do I get so easily ... smitten? over women?
I just met a girl. .....
I barely know her.....
And I'm dying to see her again and can't wait until I do.
So ... well... why am I so easily smitten? I don't want to be this way!
But how do I know this "smitten" feeling is human/carnal... or whether it's God working here??
Well, since you are so logical, let me lay it out in terms of logic.
The desire for relationship, a close marriage relationship, is a God made human hunger. It encompasses many different factors; like emotional closeness, physical closeness (apart from sex), sexuality, companionship, and the list can go on and on. It is intended to mirror how the Lord wants to be with us, and how we should want to be with HIM.
This hunger is similar in some ways to physical hunger or thirst. When you have not eaten in a long while, your sense of smell for food becomes heightened. Even disgusting food becomes the most wonderful aroma you have ever smelled. Your mouth waters. Your hunger pangs intensify.
Similarly, if you are starved relationally, you are going to be salivating over almost any "dish" that comes within your range of scope.
THAT is why your emotions kick in big time. It can be dangerous. Watch yourself.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
We are now empty nesters.......
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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