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When to say when - 7/30/2008 2:55:44 AM
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grace4theday
Posts: 5
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline
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Haven’t been here in a while but need some perspective and you all have never let me down in the past. I am angry and I don't know how to express it in a way that doesn't make me seem petty. My husband and I have been through a lot. He has been unfaithful numerous times, left me and come back a time or two as well. When I got married I believed in those vows and have believed that somehow God would give me the grace to endure. The kicker is that now that he has decided to get himself together, now he is questioning if I can be the wife he needs. Are you kidding me? I have been the one there when you didn't have anything, praying, and fasting and praying and fasting. Hoping that God would touch his heart and heal the emotional wounds. Feels like all this was for nothing and now that he's getting better he wants to through me out with the trash. He said if I'm not up to making things work then I need to let him go. That's a bunch of bologna. I've been trying to make it work.
So angry just don't know what to do and don't want to overreact and make it worse but feel like this is too much after all I have put up with
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RE: When to say when - 7/30/2008 8:27:21 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10974
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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quote:
He said if I'm not up to making things work then I need to let him go. It seems he needs to realize that he is the one who needs to be "up to" making things work, not you.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: When to say when - 7/30/2008 10:34:52 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 619
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
quote:
He said if I'm not up to making things work then I need to let him go. It seems he needs to realize that he is the one who needs to be "up to" making things work, not you.
Ditto what Ben said.
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RE: When to say when - 7/30/2008 10:59:03 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1592
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: online
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Make that three of us with the same opinion. It sounds like you've done more than your part to make this marriage work; HE is the one who needs to step up, now.
My condolences for your situation, but also my admiration for being willing to stick through this and at least try to make the marriage work.
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RE: When to say when - 7/30/2008 12:51:13 PM
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car2ner
Posts: 2936
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: online
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My ex used to say something similar to me: you have to do your part or this won't work. When I asked him to clearify what he meant by "do your part" the response was often something like, "you know what I mean". If I knew what he meant I wouldn't have asked. I guess it was his was of blame sharing. I am not angry with him anymore. I'd like to think he has gained some wisdom over the years.
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has areas they can improve on. These things have to be taken care of with love and respect, not nebulous "do your part" speeches. That is as unimpressive as, "I am sorry I did that BUT.....". Getting angry with him won't make anything better but pin him down as to what he considers needs to be done to make things work. Hopefully your ex's move- to- improve works out better than my ex's. During our marriage many those "improvements" were short lived.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: When to say when - 7/30/2008 9:49:38 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 289
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: grace4theday
He said if I'm not up to making things work then I need to let him go. That's a bunch of bologna. I've been trying to make it work.
So angry just don't know what to do and don't want to overreact and make it worse but feel like this is too much after all I have put up with
YOU "making" things work? Ummm...what part of you stuck by him while he was out being a 2 legged alley cat does he NOT comprehend?
Seems he needs to pull up his big-boy pants, realize HE messed up and do what ever HE can do to MAKE things work...
I admire that you stuck around, I'd have shown him legal papers and a HUGE support bill the FIRST time he chose to mess around...I have no patience for men who can't decide what they want after they say "I do".
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: When to say when - 7/31/2008 6:08:03 PM
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aslan77
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
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First off Grace4theday, you are not coming across as petty in any way. What a horrible situation to be in. You seem to have been very strong for the benefit of your marriage. You have been harmed in a way God never wanted for you.
I have read the other posts and for the most part, I agree with them. Your husband has lived a life that has done great damage to the relationship. And you are still here. I rejoice that he has returned. I assume he has been forgiven by you and has sought to be reconciled to you and God.
The question he is asking needs to be answered. he is asking you if you can be the wife he needs. From what I'm reading, you have been, and now it is like a slap in the face to you that while you are wondering if he can be the husband you need, he pulls the plug on gravity by challenging you.
Have you asked him what kind of a wife he needs? As a guy, I can say that we say things like that with no real insight into what we really need. Have that conversation with him. Go to God with him as you try to listen to what he's asking of you. Join with him in this. When he tells you what he really needs, (which may or may not be just what you've always been for him), take an inventory to determine whether you can really be what he needs.
God is faithful. God sees you and he is proud of you! You are right in the center of His love.
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RE: When to say when - 8/1/2008 11:27:18 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1895
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: grace4theday
The kicker is that now that he has decided to get himself together, now he is questioning if I can be the wife he needs. Are you kidding me?
Nah; he's kidding himself. He's been a multiple adulterer and now he's probably looking at finding another woman, only he's got a new guilt-free approach: "You're not good enough." Even if it were true, it is nullified by his marriage vows "for better or for worse." We're all sinners, but you deserve a medal for your efforts to be a good wife under terrific provocation.
He has broken covenant with you and God (it was a three-sided deal when you got married before the Lord) and apparently he's going for broke at wrecking his marriage. You can't change him; only God can do that. However, you are free to let him go. Read 1 Cor. 7 and see where you fit in.
Ending the marriage obviously is not your first choice (God bless you!) but you can't hold it together alone. It takes two working at it. Unless he repents and commits himself to you, I don't see there's much you can do to save it. You are a good woman married to a man who broke covenant and won't fix it. I'm profoundly sorry; you deserved better than this. And better than him.
At times I want to just clobber people, and this guy is at the top of my "carnal list." But God tells us our weapons are not carnal but powerful towards God. We turn to Him and He changes us and He works in others' lives, to rescue them or condemn the evil they're refusing to abandon.
Are you in counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor? Go get some help. And some support; God doesn't intend for His people to go through trials alone but we need each other. Find a support group. Do what you know is right and leave him to do what he's going to do, since he's going to do it anyway.
Go to the library and get Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." It's written for people in your very situation, and will help you and give you some ideas for what could help.
I'm sorry, dear heart. I wish this weren't happening to you. (((Hugs))) I am praying for you tonight. Go get some help. May God bless you and give this guy the holy 2x4 upside the head and turn him around.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: When to say when - 8/2/2008 11:04:10 PM
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grace4theday
Posts: 5
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline
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ok, so after venting to all of you I went to him and told him that I was insulted by the fact that after all that we had been through together that he would question my committment to working things out and I deserved to be with someone that was not on the fence about being married to me. Either you want me or you don't. Either way I just need to know what the deal is. Also I told him that after all that he has put me through I have forgiven him, taken him back and never gone outside the marriage on him, not even emotionally, and I'm still committed to loving him and this marriage. He said that he didn't mean it like I took it. No real conclusion to this as of yet. We have had family over since Wednesday and they will be here for another week. Don't want to argue or have heated discussion when they are here so I just gotta put my game face on and deal until they leave.
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RE: When to say when - 8/4/2008 7:50:02 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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I'm with Deermousie, I'd like to clobber him too but that wouldn't do you any good would it? Bless your heart, good for you for standing up to him and letting him know that he has to decide one way or the other. He is probably glad you have a house full of relatives.
I also hope you get a copy of Love Must be Tough. It will help you so much to know that you do have a right to take a stand and that God will back you in it.
Its so sad to me to watch women go through such heartbreak to save their marriages and until you get the elephant out of the living room there is no way they can succeed. Your husband's elephant is adultery, it can be drugs, alcohol, porn or affairs but as long as that is going on the wife has no chance to work on the marriage. When you get married it is an adjustment and each person makes changes and does things differently to make the marriage a success but if you have an elephant living in your house you are so busy feeding it and cleaning up after it that you don't have a chance to work on your marriage because all of your time and attention is on the elephant. Its a lose, lose situation for you. The worst thing is, is that the wife thinks its her elephant  and your husband is definitely trying to give his elephant to you.
ITS NOT YOUR ELEPHANT
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