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When men DON'T respond emotionally - 8/20/2008 1:15:59 PM
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DaveW
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From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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This is a take-off from the Big Boys Don't Cry poll/thread:quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
Personally, if there is a reason to cry and a guy won't, I don't find that very manly. In fact, I think that's kind of wimpy. They guys I have the most respect for are the ones who get choked up over things worth getting choked up over (hearts heavy for God, deep sadness and loss, deep love and affection, etc). So what is your take if a guy you know or are close to goes thru something horrific and shows very little emotional response?
Do you think less of him?
Do you wonder why or how he does that? Do you ask him?
Do you differentiate between "won't" and "can't?"
Many girls I knew back in the day thought I was really weird (and a few guys too) because anyone could say or do anything to me and I never reacted. (at least not visibly to anyone) Bullies tried to get me angry or cry and they could not. All that had been purged from me by early gradeschool by my dad. It was not so much a case of my choosing to not react; I could not react that way even if I had wanted to.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 8/20/2008 2:10:50 PM
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moon_mouse
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People can go through shock, or can set aside their emotions to take care of necessary business. And, people have a variety of emotions that they express in a variety of ways. So, I wouldn't think anything bad if he wasn't weeping uncontrollably, but I might be concerned if he didn't have any reaction after a reasonable period of time. If I had concerns, I'd talk to him if I knew him well and express that I'm there for him. If I didn't know him well, I might talk to a family member, friend, or a minister, if I had concrete concerns.
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 8/20/2008 3:08:19 PM
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ChiefWannahakaloogie
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nah i wouldnt think less of him at all. most of the guys i know respond emotionally to pretty much anything, whether thats anger, sadness, shock, excitment etc etc, so i haven't really had much experience with a man not replying with emotions of some sort.
quote:
Do you differentiate between "won't" and "can't?"
yeP. some people just cant show as much emotion as other people. some people are just a whole lot more emotional and expressive with their emotions than others.
likewise, some people just choose not to show emotion to certain things.
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 8/20/2008 6:48:41 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1543
Joined: 4/25/2005
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quote:
So what is your take if a guy you know or are close to goes thru something horrific and shows very little emotional response?
Do you think less of him?
Do you wonder why or how he does that? Do you ask him?
Do you differentiate between "won't" and "can't?"
Many girls I knew back in the day thought I was really weird (and a few guys too) because anyone could say or do anything to me and I never reacted. (at least not visibly to anyone) Bullies tried to get me angry or cry and they could not. All that had been purged from me by early gradeschool by my dad. It was not so much a case of my choosing to not react; I could not react that way even if I had wanted to.
I felt sad when I heard that this type of emotion was purged from you by your dad in gradeschool. But I do understand it - particularly in earlier generations - boys weren't really allowed to show a lot of emotion. If I had a boyfriend or husband who couldn't show emotion, I wouldn't think less of him, but I would be very worried about him. He doesn't have to walk around with a kleenex box, but if things happened to him and the feelings didn't go anywhere ... I would be worried about what will happen when the feelings finally come out (he might snap - or maybe he might develop some health problem or have problems with depression because he keeps everything inside). I'd also be extremely concerned about being able to connect with him or relate to him.
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 8/21/2008 12:40:41 PM
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usa777
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Hi Dave,
Your last sentence to me holds the key... if you tell a woman that, then she can at least know what the situation is. It's when men do (or don't do) something to confuse women that I think problems are started. Even if you say, "I don't know why I can't seem to open up about this", that goes a long way with most women because they know you are being honest and sharing something important with them.
I think most women dislike it very much when a man stays clammed up because it puts distance between him and her. Seems most women have a great need to feel connected emotionally.
Hope this helps! Btw, I think that men who can cry at something horrific are not in any way lesser; they are only showing they are human. That is attractive to me. As is honesty about it if something horrific has happened and they can't bring themselves to react emotionally.
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 8/21/2008 1:10:28 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 4104
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From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
Hi Dave,
Your last sentence to me holds the key... if you tell a woman that, then she can at least know what the situation is. It's when men do (or don't do) something to confuse women that I think problems are started. Even if you say, "I don't know why I can't seem to open up about this", that goes a long way with most women because they know you are being honest and sharing something important with them. Yeah, I get that. However, I would have had to really see a need to share that in order to say what happened. Feeling emotions was not the issue, it was more one of expression. I could act out an appropriate expression, but it was totally disconnected from the emotions, like trying to scratch an itchy foot in a big winter boot.
Fortunately, God saw fit to bring me a measure of healing, reconnecting the emotions and the expressions. DW though is still waiting for me to have a "good cry" as she calls it.
quote:
Btw, I think that men who can cry at something horrific are not in any way lesser; they are only showing they are human. That is attractive to me. As is honesty about it if something horrific has happened and they can't bring themselves to react emotionally. Thanks for that.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 8/30/2008 8:48:25 PM
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losgan
Posts: 714
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Austin-Garland, Texas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
So what is your take if a guy you know or are close to goes thru something horrific and shows very little emotional response?
Do you think less of him?
Do you wonder why or how he does that? Do you ask him?
Do you differentiate between "won't" and "can't?"
Many girls I knew back in the day thought I was really weird (and a few guys too) because anyone could say or do anything to me and I never reacted. (at least not visibly to anyone) Bullies tried to get me angry or cry and they could not. All that had been purged from me by early gradeschool by my dad. It was not so much a case of my choosing to not react; I could not react that way even if I had wanted to.
I have to say, this situation would be tough - but it is completely different than a man withholding emotion rather than being unable to express it.
The only example I can think of when I was a newlywed, my husband's cat of many years passed away. He was obviously upset - but he locked me out of the bedroom most of the evening. Something was different after that. He never showed emotion in front of me, and encouraged me to keep mine to myself as well. It became one of many elephants in the room that no one talked about.
So I'd say most of us can differentiate between won't and can't ... and while can't can be painful - it isn't willfully hurting someone the way won't is.
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 9/4/2008 7:13:42 PM
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delete123
Posts: 973
Joined: 6/1/2005
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Dave~
I could understand, only because as a female I am like that. I never recognized in myself until one day at work a nurse said to me after we had a truama case say: "CRH no matter the circumstance, you never change! It doesn't matter you are always the same!"
I never gave it much thought and deemed it as great self control, but quite the contrary to the Lord.
Many will say the Lord does not have feelings or feel as we do, this is an incorrect perspective, it is the Holy Spirit and Comforter who has feelings that cry and rejoice with us.
I will have to look it up again, but it is there in the bible.
I do not find your behaviour as strange, I find that like most you are hurting and holding.
BTW: Your wife is wise
CRH
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 9/5/2008 2:47:27 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6014
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quote:
So what is your take if a guy you know or are close to goes thru something horrific and shows very little emotional response?
I know men who do not outwardly show strong emotion, so I think the response one may see in a public setting may be different than what he shows in a private setting ... be that as it may. As you stated in the OP, there can be good reasons for not expressing feelings publicly.
I would be concerned if a man never exhibited emotion, even in private. Emotions are important to share with those you are close to. I find it very tender when a man can be who he is in all situations, which certainly includes tears shed in a traumatic situation no matter who's around seeing it. To me, it indicates his inner strength.
_____________________________
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 9/8/2008 11:50:15 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4104
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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Losgan: you are indeed a rare find if you can really discern the difference between can't and won't. Amazing skill. I have not found it so - most think there is no "can't" just won't. So sorry about your husband's reaction. Pray for him. DW prayed for me and eventually things got working again to a degree, at least.
Thanks!
Delete: Yeah, I thought all that stuff about God being angry, etc was just a way for us humans to comprehend we were not supposed to disobey. God could never have real emotions.
WRONG!!!! It is in there that God rejoices over us and that Jesus is touched (IMO that includes emotionally) by the "...feeling of our infirmities." Heb 4.15 And yes, my wife can be very wise.
Focusing: What would your concern be for a man to not show emotion in private?
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 9/8/2008 1:20:03 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6014
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quote:
Focusing: What would your concern be for a man to not show emotion in private?
I would be concerned that he his bottling up his emotions. I believe in a private, intimate relationship he should feel comfortable - safe - enough to express his emotions. I see it as sharing his heart.
_____________________________
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 9/8/2008 2:20:04 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4274
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
This is a take-off from the Big Boys Don't Cry poll/thread:quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
Personally, if there is a reason to cry and a guy won't, I don't find that very manly. In fact, I think that's kind of wimpy. They guys I have the most respect for are the ones who get choked up over things worth getting choked up over (hearts heavy for God, deep sadness and loss, deep love and affection, etc). So what is your take if a guy you know or are close to goes thru something horrific and shows very little emotional response?
Do you think less of him?
Do you wonder why or how he does that? Do you ask him?
Do you differentiate between "won't" and "can't?"
Many girls I knew back in the day thought I was really weird (and a few guys too) because anyone could say or do anything to me and I never reacted. (at least not visibly to anyone) Bullies tried to get me angry or cry and they could not. All that had been purged from me by early gradeschool by my dad. It was not so much a case of my choosing to not react; I could not react that way even if I had wanted to.
If the track record of the guy's personality appears void of tears, then I would expect nothing less.
However, I know for most men, it is bottled up and erupts somehow...when alone in the shower, in sudden angry outburts, etc.
My husband gets very emotional regarding the gospel in people's lives, the down-trodden, the weary, the abused, etc. and sometimes it shows in tears and sometimes in anger at a situation.
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 9/8/2008 2:28:51 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4274
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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I think men truly miss out on one of the most sanctifying moments in our spiritual walk when they don't cry. I know and understand the reasons most men don't, and it actually makes me sad in a way.
Crying is like a release valve on a pressure cooker when our chaotic lives never stop. There is nothing better than a good night's sleep after a good cry - why do you think baby's sleep so well after they've cried? 
I know God designed us differently and all and I do get that...but I find it sad that so many men have been deprived of the cleansing of a good cry.
It's one of my favorite things in being a woman, the capacity to go off somewhere and have a good cry...get a good night's sleep and then start over. 
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 9/8/2008 4:21:40 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 4104
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: doinkdom
However, I know for most men, it is bottled up and erupts somehow...when alone in the shower, in sudden angry outburts, etc. Yeah - I had the outbursts on rare occasions, probably about 10 over a 30 year period. Thank God they are no more.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 10/16/2008 2:15:02 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 4104
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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From that "other" thread:quote:
ORIGINAL: LovebirdsFlying
The one thing that drives me bonkers about my fiancé is that he does NOT cry. Ever. Not even after losing both of his grandmothers within six months of each other, and one of them had partially raised him and had saved his childhood from being COMPLETELY miserable. I just don't understand a stoic personality. To me, if you don't cry, you must not be feeling anything. I'm learning to adjust that thought, but it's pretty difficult for me. I'd always said I wouldn't marry a man who thinks he's too macho to cry. But it's not that he thinks he's too macho. He doesn't go around saying men should never cry, or putting down those who do. It's that he's just never at that point. I would suggest finding out WHY he does not cry. I do not because I had it physically beaten out of me. (they would call that child abuse these days) Perhaps something similar happened. It is not that I do not feel, I certainly do. It is just that there is now this disconnect with anything that should be an expression of it. The closest thing I can describe it to is trying to scratch your foot while wearing thick insulated boots.
Are you guys in premarital counseling? It would be a good topic of discussion.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: When men DON'T respond emotionally - 10/16/2008 3:55:50 PM
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AdrianaS
Posts: 1224
Joined: 3/21/2007
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wow I haven't noticed this thread? 
quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
This is a take-off from the Big Boys Don't Cry poll/thread:quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
Personally, if there is a reason to cry and a guy won't, I don't find that very manly. In fact, I think that's kind of wimpy. They guys I have the most respect for are the ones who get choked up over things worth getting choked up over (hearts heavy for God, deep sadness and loss, deep love and affection, etc). So what is your take if a guy you know or are close to goes thru something horrific and shows very little emotional response?
Do you think less of him?
Do you wonder why or how he does that? Do you ask him?
Do you differentiate between "won't" and "can't?"
Many girls I knew back in the day thought I was really weird (and a few guys too) because anyone could say or do anything to me and I never reacted. (at least not visibly to anyone) Bullies tried to get me angry or cry and they could not. All that had been purged from me by early gradeschool by my dad. It was not so much a case of my choosing to not react; I could not react that way even if I had wanted to.
Well my approach to emotional response does not call for a tragedy or crying to begin with, just regular expressiveness that comes around more naturaly to some than others. I grew up with males expressing emotions and both genders allowed to express themselves as having passionate exchanges in family about issues etc.
Now people do have different temperaments anyways, even when belong to expressives family etc some are more introvert or show emotions different. When a male that I know and observe is acting apathic not reactive with surroudings and I may conclude something is going on etc if I have an oppening and he trust me etc I sure very much interested to know what is going on.
But there are issues that as much friendship and love I offer him/her I would suggest profissional help because I want he/she have the best chances to heal inside out as profissional help, support godly group of friends and of course family also. Gone is the time I thought I was a heroe, rescuer etc because my sensibility was way too strong and get deeply involved etc..not health balanced experiences at all when you are too caring etc.
Nowdays I can be loyal friend, empathetic, sympathetic etc I did learn my limitations to help others because of life later experiences.
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