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When men's words don't match actions - 9/15/2008 9:20:59 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
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Hi there men,
Can anyone tell me why a Christian man in a long-distance friendship (I wanted more, he didn't) would say he is going to visit, but avoid it by coming up with one reason (excuse?) after another for an entire year? I've even said to him, "You don't want to visit, do you?" and he won't admit it. He claims that if he didn't wish to visit, he would've told me.
He seems honest in all other ways, except for this. And when I asked him where things stood with us after I visited him for a weekend (we got along quite well and he acted interested). He just refuses to communicate in black and white. I get the, "I have some interest" and "let's just keep going the way we are and see what happens" deal. That is NOT acceptable to me. Aren't Christian men taught to clearly state their intentions to women?
I'm on the verge of ending our 2-year friendship over this because it doesn't seem it will be resolved. I'm going to tell him his words don't match his actions in this area. I just can't understand why an otherwise honest Christian man would be so evasive. I'm taking some time away and I told him he wouldn't be hearing from me for awhile. Then, of course, he wrote the warmest e-mail he's probably ever written saying that he hopes I decide to remain his friend. Yet he also made it clear that he takes no responsibility for the confusion and hurt he's caused. He chalks it up to miscommunication, which I think is a total cop-out.
We have a lot in common and he honestly does seem to value our friendship. But this doesn't make sense with the rest of what he does.
Thanks for any insight.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 12:48:10 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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When a men's words don't match his actions...(I'll complete this sentence if you don't mind)...then maybe you should question the sincerity of the words because his actions are speaking louder thant the words. 2 years is plenty of time for someone to know if they want to move forward or not and he's simply stringing you along. How much more time do you want to invest in this relationship...all the while missing out on opportunities to meet someone who might be a great catch? He may be afraid that you'll be disappointed if you met him in person and he may very well be right. Meanwhile, you've gotten your emotions all wrapped up. Many people on this forum would advise you to never be involved so long with someone online without having met them in real life.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 1:43:03 AM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1231
Joined: 6/1/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
Hi there men,
Can anyone tell me why a Christian man in a long-distance friendship (I wanted more, he didn't) would say he is going to visit, but avoid it by coming up with one reason (excuse?) after another for an entire year? I've even said to him, "You don't want to visit, do you?" and he won't admit it. He claims that if he didn't wish to visit, he would've told me.
He seems honest in all other ways, except for this. And when I asked him where things stood with us after I visited him for a weekend (we got along quite well and he acted interested). He just refuses to communicate in black and white. I get the, "I have some interest" and "let's just keep going the way we are and see what happens" deal. That is NOT acceptable to me. Aren't Christian men taught to clearly state their intentions to women?
I'm on the verge of ending our 2-year friendship over this because it doesn't seem it will be resolved. I'm going to tell him his words don't match his actions in this area. I just can't understand why an otherwise honest Christian man would be so evasive. I'm taking some time away and I told him he wouldn't be hearing from me for awhile. Then, of course, he wrote the warmest e-mail he's probably ever written saying that he hopes I decide to remain his friend. Yet he also made it clear that he takes no responsibility for the confusion and hurt he's caused. He chalks it up to miscommunication, which I think is a total cop-out.
We have a lot in common and he honestly does seem to value our friendship. But this doesn't make sense with the rest of what he does.
Thanks for any insight.
Hi there USA777,
I hear your hurt, and I read that you did in fact visit him at his place. As for the many apologies/regrets/reasons for why he would not come and visit you, all I could do would be to guess and guess, and I've got some good ones too. But they'd just be guesses, and none would help you figure anything out about this. Well, let me see if I can dig the top five out....
1. He's just become unemployed, and is wondering about his own future and what it could be like for to share it with anyone else;
2. He senses you'd like to 'advance to a next level', he wants to as well, and there's some planning and resolving he's wanting out of the way in his life before he would visit you and say in person what he'd rather not type or write or speak into your ear through a phone;
3. He's trying to figure out how to best present himself to your parents as well, if he's working on proposing, so there's no argument from them against him sharing the rest of his life with you and vice versa;
4. Someone has stolen his car; (I told you these were the top five...)
5. It pains him that he's just met someone short-distance who's challenging his emotions for you long-distance, and he's on eggshells because he doesn't want to find no one likes him all of a sudden.
It's a strong statement to say goodbye friend, you haven't treated me the way I think you should treat me. This friendship is over. I can't defend what he's doing. It makes no sense to me. Two years of a long-distance relationship with someone sounds like a lot of days, but how much TIME are you talking about? To say he's had plenty of time to figure out his own emotions- is that a fair statement? No one knows him like you do.
I do like your idea about backing off now, spending more time with your casual local friends, and also praying up your hurt, anger, and whatever else this has brought on to the Lord. Don't let this eat your energy to enjoy life up.
I just bonked out of things to share. Hope this helps some.
OneJohn410
_____________________________
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 11:24:39 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4182
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
Hi there men,
Can anyone tell me why a Christian man in a long-distance friendship (I wanted more, he didn't) would say he is going to visit, but avoid it by coming up with one reason (excuse?) after another for an entire year? I've even said to him, "You don't want to visit, do you?" and he won't admit it. He claims that if he didn't wish to visit, he would've told me.
He seems honest in all other ways, except for this. And when I asked him where things stood with us after I visited him for a weekend (we got along quite well and he acted interested). He just refuses to communicate in black and white. I get the, "I have some interest" and "let's just keep going the way we are and see what happens" deal. That is NOT acceptable to me. Aren't Christian men taught to clearly state their intentions to women?
I'm on the verge of ending our 2-year friendship over this because it doesn't seem it will be resolved. I'm going to tell him his words don't match his actions in this area. I just can't understand why an otherwise honest Christian man would be so evasive. I'm taking some time away and I told him he wouldn't be hearing from me for awhile. Then, of course, he wrote the warmest e-mail he's probably ever written saying that he hopes I decide to remain his friend. Yet he also made it clear that he takes no responsibility for the confusion and hurt he's caused. He chalks it up to miscommunication, which I think is a total cop-out.
We have a lot in common and he honestly does seem to value our friendship. But this doesn't make sense with the rest of what he does.
Thanks for any insight.
i think your opening says it all: he wanted friendship, you wanted more. do you still want more? not everyone has the time and money to do everything they want with their local and long-distance friends. if you guys are friends now and that is all you want, then why cut off friendship. i don't know your level of involvement, but if you talk daily on phone for example, cut back and start to make new friends/interests as suggested. if you still like him as more than a friend, then it's possible this might be holding you back and then you should consider letting go of him as a friend as he's unlikely to change his mind after TWO years and an unwillingness to meet you.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 11:42:47 AM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneJohn410
Hi there USA777,
I hear your hurt, and I read that you did in fact visit him at his place. As for the many apologies/regrets/reasons for why he would not come and visit you, all I could do would be to guess and guess, and I've got some good ones too. But they'd just be guesses, and none would help you figure anything out about this. Well, let me see if I can dig the top five out....
1. He's just become unemployed, and is wondering about his own future and what it could be like for to share it with anyone else;
2. He senses you'd like to 'advance to a next level', he wants to as well, and there's some planning and resolving he's wanting out of the way in his life before he would visit you and say in person what he'd rather not type or write or speak into your ear through a phone;
3. He's trying to figure out how to best present himself to your parents as well, if he's working on proposing, so there's no argument from them against him sharing the rest of his life with you and vice versa;
4. Someone has stolen his car; (I told you these were the top five...)
5. It pains him that he's just met someone short-distance who's challenging his emotions for you long-distance, and he's on eggshells because he doesn't want to find no one likes him all of a sudden.
It's a strong statement to say goodbye friend, you haven't treated me the way I think you should treat me. This friendship is over. I can't defend what he's doing. It makes no sense to me. Two years of a long-distance relationship with someone sounds like a lot of days, but how much TIME are you talking about? To say he's had plenty of time to figure out his own emotions- is that a fair statement? No one knows him like you do.
I do like your idea about backing off now, spending more time with your casual local friends, and also praying up your hurt, anger, and whatever else this has brought on to the Lord. Don't let this eat your energy to enjoy life up.
I just bonked out of things to share. Hope this helps some.
OneJohn410
I appreciate both responses so far. Yes, I did visit him for a 3-day weekend last Oct. and we both seemed to enjoy ourselves very much. In fact, at that time he asked me what I could show him in my city and he mentioned what we could do the next time I visited him.
As far as the top 5 possibilities, he does have money problems. Seems to be dealing with them well; however, his profession is not a high-paying one and he had been laid off from a much better job a few years ago so he is still recovering from having to run up debt. My problem is, for example, when he told me he had $200 saved to visit and needed $100 more. He then went to 3 concerts! Guess I'm not a priority. In all of this time, I know he could've saved the money if he wanted to.
He's told me he's on dating sites - that adds up, too. It's just friends with us. He's made that clear - sort of, but he won't be pinned down. Likewise, before I gave up on finding a mate (long story), I was looking elsewhere too. He's complained to me at how "shallow" the women are. (That does not include me - I think that is something he likes about me.)
Yeah, I'm seriously thinking about telling him that his words don't match his actions and therefore I will believe his actions. And I don't like the way he's been treating me. I feel sometimes as if he's keeping me in his back pocket since he's having trouble finding someone in his city. That's not acceptable.
It's a downward spiral, because I'll get angry about this and then he'll back off further. Then I get angry, and so on.
Oh, and he never has apologized to me. It's always "I'm too busy at work", "I haven't saved the money", etc. and when I challenge this, he'll try to claim I'm just not understanding. Look, the fact is you find the time and money for what's important to you.
I think he wants a very casual, no-expectations pen pal relationship. Yet, he would disagree with that statement too, saying we're friends and he wants to remain friends.I have never deleted one of our e-mails, so I know we are very near 1,000. And, we used to talk for about an hour on the phone 1 - 2 times per week. Then it became more like once a month (because I was getting frustrated and angry at him, so he backed away).
Btw, it's not the parents thing because he knows both of my parents have passed. I'm 47 and he's 45, we're both never married. He's frustrating the you-know-what out of me!
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 11:57:55 AM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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[/quote]
i think your opening says it all: he wanted friendship, you wanted more. do you still want more? not everyone has the time and money to do everything they want with their local and long-distance friends. if you guys are friends now and that is all you want, then why cut off friendship. i don't know your level of involvement, but if you talk daily on phone for example, cut back and start to make new friends/interests as suggested. if you still like him as more than a friend, then it's possible this might be holding you back and then you should consider letting go of him as a friend as he's unlikely to change his mind after TWO years and an unwillingness to meet you.
[/quote]
He's got me to the point where I don't want more because he has not kept his word about visiting. We first met for a few minutes 1 1/2yrs ago when he was up on business (we "met" on a dating site before that). Then I visited him 6 mos later for the weekend. My point is that I know he could have spent the time/money for a trip if he really wanted to. He always says he's busy at work, yet he works 8 - 5 Mon - Fri. What about leaving Fri evening and coming back Sunday, like lots of other people do? And, he admitted he had $200 saved, but then blew the rest he could've saved on entertainment for himself.
From the way he's acting, I don't think he wants anyone to interfere with his current lifestyle. That's why I wish people like him wouldn't go on dating sites and claim they want to be married, and that they want a very close relationship. No they don't! They meet someone they hit it off with and push that person away! This is not the first time this has happened to me.
Since we're in different cities and haven't dated, we've both been free this whole time to look for others.
Why cut off the friendship? Because to me, saying you'll visit in December, then it's January, then March, then June... well, c'mon! Does he expect me to take his putting it off forever? I've lost money over this, as I've kept days free for him - only to have him say he can't come. I have a higher standard for those I call my friends!
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 12:22:10 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4182
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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if he's on dating sites, i see something else an issue more than the money those sites cost. if he's dating and has girlfriends during this time, it'd be kinda awkward to tell them he's going away to visit another girl he met on a dating site awhile ago and kept close frienship with when he could be spending that time and money on a date with them. i agree with you, the money is an excuse and he could have saved that.
to address your other concern, it's possible for whatever reason he does want to get married, just not to you. although a few of my guy friends are on sites, and it does seem that they run into women saying they are too busy to go on dates now so they wonder why they even bother having a profile. but maybe it's just a polite way to say not interested?
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 2:16:47 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
if he's on dating sites, i see something else an issue more than the money those sites cost. if he's dating and has girlfriends during this time, it'd be kinda awkward to tell them he's going away to visit another girl he met on a dating site awhile ago and kept close frienship with when he could be spending that time and money on a date with them. i agree with you, the money is an excuse and he could have saved that.
to address your other concern, it's possible for whatever reason he does want to get married, just not to you. although a few of my guy friends are on sites, and it does seem that they run into women saying they are too busy to go on dates now so they wonder why they even bother having a profile. but maybe it's just a polite way to say not interested?
My friend tells me he's having trouble meeting women because most of them don't even answer him. He seems quite upfront about this, so I think he'd mention it if he found a girlfriend. He has said a couple of times that, of the few women who answer him, after a couple of e-mails he can tell they are quite shallow. For example, all they seem to care about is, "What do you do for fun?" even after he's told them his interests/hobbies.
As far as someone saying they're too busy to date when on dating sites. That is not a polite way to say "not interested" - that is a lie! I saw a Christian site where men were asked why they don't call when they say they will, and about 1/3rd said it was a polite way to say goodbye. No it isn't! It is lying - not keeping one's word.
When I was on dating sites, I didn't have any problem telling men the truth. I'm not trying to come off as holier than thou, but what is so hard about saying, "I just don't think we have that much in common", or "we don't seem to be hitting it off real well"? God expects us to tell the truth.
Maybe this man I'm dealing with thinks he's being polite by giving me all of these excuses so I eventually put the pieces together. Again, that is not being polite at all! That is being deceitful and hurtful.
Can you tell I have strong feelings about this? 
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 2:42:49 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4182
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
As far as someone saying they're too busy to date when on dating sites. That is not a polite way to say "not interested" - that is a lie! I saw a Christian site where men were asked why they don't call when they say they will, and about 1/3rd said it was a polite way to say goodbye. No it isn't! It is lying - not keeping one's word.
When I was on dating sites, I didn't have any problem telling men the truth. I'm not trying to come off as holier than thou, but what is so hard about saying, "I just don't think we have that much in common", or "we don't seem to be hitting it off real well"? God expects us to tell the truth.
i agree with the above ... i was just posting on our speculation that the rejecters thought it was polite, or maybe less uncomfortable, to say that rather than the truth ... and yes i understand your strong feelings, you have 2 years invested in hoping the internet friend turns into more ...
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 5:30:58 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
quote:
ORIGINAL: usa777
As far as someone saying they're too busy to date when on dating sites. That is not a polite way to say "not interested" - that is a lie! I saw a Christian site where men were asked why they don't call when they say they will, and about 1/3rd said it was a polite way to say goodbye. No it isn't! It is lying - not keeping one's word.
When I was on dating sites, I didn't have any problem telling men the truth. I'm not trying to come off as holier than thou, but what is so hard about saying, "I just don't think we have that much in common", or "we don't seem to be hitting it off real well"? God expects us to tell the truth.
i agree with the above ... i was just posting on our speculation that the rejecters thought it was polite, or maybe less uncomfortable, to say that rather than the truth ... and yes i understand your strong feelings, you have 2 years invested in hoping the internet friend turns into more ...
Oops... I got a little strong there. I didn't mean you agreed with them, I was speaking in general about people who do think that certain lies are nothing more than politeness.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 8:59:17 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 323
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline
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Hello usa777
I think you defined your relationship by frequent use of the word "friendship." It appears that you have a more romantic idea for the relationship than he does. Don't kid yourself. If a guy really loves a girl, he won't be casual, nor will he use the word friendship.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 10:24:19 PM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1231
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline
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USA777,
Thanks for getting back to all of us with that extra info... it's hard to be even marginally good advisors sometimes... especially because you are bridging that twilight zone abyss thing and seeking advice from that far side known as The Guy Side.
This friend of yours may be trying to mean as well as he can mean, but I think I speak a consensus of us that he's maybe just a keyboard poet (and perhaps even that he don't know it). That is to say you haven't been at a loss getting to know him, but surely there's some others out there that are more honest about wanting to be married and wanting a close relationship.
So I'd say turn him loose- that'd be my vote.
Guys, anyone agree? Cap'n FearNo (I'm sorry, just couldn't help it)? Choir DJ? My other brother John?
_____________________________
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/16/2008 10:26:50 PM
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APZR
Posts: 907
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: offline
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Ditto to OneJohn... dump him and move on.
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Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/17/2008 10:23:46 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4182
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneJohn410
So I'd say turn him loose- that'd be my vote.
Guys, anyone agree? Cap'n FearNo (I'm sorry, just couldn't help it)? Choir DJ? My other brother John?
yes, i'd vote for turn loose UNLESS you can truly accept him as an internet friend and nothing more and it doesn't interfere in any other of your relationships, potential or active ...
lol at nickname
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/18/2008 5:51:38 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: APZR
Ditto to OneJohn... dump him and move on.
Hey APZR,
I noticed you're from GA - so is this guy. Can you just beat him up for me?
Seriously, I'm still thinking about it. I appreciate all of your advice and votes. I think I'd be more open to a pen pal relationship with him if I didn't feel so finagled into it. Maybe that's just pride or stubbornness, but I hate to give him exactly what he wants when he wasn't honest about getting it and never apologized for hurting me by being evasive.
It's easy to say "move on" to someone when you've found your life partner. But for many others, it's mighty slim pickins out there! Just one example: the last guy I met at a church function made a big deal about getting a wristband for putt-putt that was blue. He didn't want green or yellow, so he made the provider go back and get blue, telling me, "Blue is a boy color." Later, he instructed me to call him and remind him about an activity, as if I were his personal assistant (of course, I didn't). He's in his 40's. I mean, it's hard to let go of someone you've had many nice conversations with when you feel this is the alternative! At least my friend can carry on a conversation with some maturity and show interest in someone besides himself.
Unfortunately for me, he wants it to remain very casual. My decision is whether to go along with that, or drop him altogether. If I do the latter that is a permanent solution. So, I'll take my time deciding. Meanwhile, I haven't contacted him (and, I haven't heard from him). This isn't stopping me from finding a mate, because I decided a while back to stop looking and to plan for a life of singleness. I'm off all of the dating sites and I look for female friends when I attend church activities.
I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks again for your support.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/19/2008 6:58:54 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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Ha ha, OneJohn!
If you're trying to say I'm overreacting or defeated, I'm just saying that perhaps no relationship has worked out in 25+ years because I've been wrong in that area of my life. Not everyone marries; perhaps God has been trying to tell me something for a looong time & I haven't listened because I've had my own idea of how my life's ministry should be.
Slim could be right and I could be wrong!
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/21/2008 10:13:19 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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Well, guys, I wrote a "good-bye" e-mail to him. Feel terrible about it.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/22/2008 10:34:12 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4182
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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i think part of the reason you feel terrible is that you had so much time invested in turning this relationship from friendship into a romantic one. as far as your earlier post, i wouldn't necessarily conclude you are 'meant to be single' just because you haven't married yet... you might consider stopping by the 'singles' forum here, there are many singles who are still single later in life than they wish, it might be helpful to read some of their posts...
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/23/2008 10:32:33 PM
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usa777
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
i think part of the reason you feel terrible is that you had so much time invested in turning this relationship from friendship into a romantic one. as far as your earlier post, i wouldn't necessarily conclude you are 'meant to be single' just because you haven't married yet... you might consider stopping by the 'singles' forum here, there are many singles who are still single later in life than they wish, it might be helpful to read some of their posts...
I knew darn well he wasn't interested as more than a friend, and I'm mostly upset that I felt I had no choice but to end a 2-year friendship. Just don't understand why two Christians can't work out an issue when they get along in all other areas. Have no idea why God even let our paths cross. Wish some of this made sense.
I've been to the singles forum and find that I can't relate to most others because they seem fine about being single and I'm not (but working on it). I wonder what age I have to reach before people finally start admitting that marriage is not likely? Let's see, I'm going to be 48 soon. Maybe 55? 65? 75? Men don't even notice women my age... we are invisible.
Think I'll start a nunnery 
Thanks again, men, for your feedback and support.
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RE: When men's words don't match actions - 9/23/2008 10:44:01 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4182
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quite a few people in singles nowadays are NOT content about being single and get upset when people tell them they should be. i know you knew he wasn't interested, but you seemed to be and still be. to most guys, if you are spending that much time/energy/thoughts towards a guy, ones intentions are usually not platonic.
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