|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Taking a break - 8/2/2008 4:44:46 PM
|
|
|
funny_girl
Posts: 882
Status: offline
|
I've been a new foster mommy to a 3 month old for 3 weeks now. Today was meltdown day and I thought, "Where's all the promised babysitters?" Nana #1 was at the beauty parlour, who later called to say she's busy until Thursday. Well, great, I've got a babysitter Thursday from 12-4 p.m.. Grandma #2, who originally offered to keep him over a Saturday night, just happened to have gotten in last night at 10 p.m. from the states and was more than happy to take him and keep him over night. I got myself arranged and loaded baby up with 3 bottles, 12 diapers, wipes, a change of clothes, porta bed, swing, car seat, mobile and other dangling toys that occupy then we loaded mommy, daddy and baby in the car. So, he's been there for an hour and 42 minutes. We've had lunch and I'm ready for a nap.
How often do you take a break? Is it possible for you? When Nana #1 called, she informed me that I couldn't leave him overnight. I informed her that I was at melt down and ready to cry at any given moment and I wasn't about to be a bad mommy because I needed a break and had no one to help me. If you're a mommy that needs a break, I hope you can get one!
I'd like to add that I think I have more compassion than ever before for those that take in other people's children. I'm not sure anymore that I can do this. It's not like it was 17 years ago when I was taking care of my own babies. I'm not as physically able as I was. I hope this 'feeling' will pass...
< Message edited by funny_girl -- 8/2/2008 4:57:01 PM >
_____________________________
"...bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown...poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." II Corinthians 6:8-10
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/2/2008 5:01:01 PM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1041
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
|
Time for a nap, funny girl.
I'm convinced that one of the reasons that I'm a calm, thoughtful good parent is because I have the luxury of having a full day's break every Friday. My girls spend time with their Gran & Gramps. I hope you get something set up so you get the support you need.
Sometimes you find out who really means, "Call me if you need a hand." and who was doing some wishful thinking when they said that. It's sad, but try not to make it personal.
One thing that helps in my family is that my husband is willing to be 'primary parent' quite often. To me there was a real difference between me caring for a baby and asking him to help, and him caring for a baby and asking me to help. Somehow taking away that burden to focus on the baby, think about the baby, assess and make all the decisions was what I needed the break from.
I still nurse and change the baby and put her down for naps etc. when I'm not primary parent, I just get to wait until my dh decides that it needs to be done, and he asks me to do it. I'm more than happy to help him. It's not that I don't do the parenting work when I'm not primary, it's just that I don't have to think so much. Primary parent also answers all the older girls questions! and decided what she may and may not do.
It also helps with a father's confidence level to be left 'alone' to learn by trial and error, dealing with his own errors without 'the one who's really responsible' stepping in. All mommies learn by trial and error too, we just don't have to make our errors while being closely watched, corrected or instructed by someone who figured that one out already.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/2/2008 5:33:32 PM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1751
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
|
We live far away from family so I feel your pain. My cousins who all live near each other and the aunts, uncles, etc. don't know how lucky they are sometimes! It's hard but I do think a nap would improve your outlook immensely. Sometimes that's all it takes.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/2/2008 6:41:45 PM
|
|
|
Auben
Posts: 1611
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
Status: offline
|
Breaks are nice and should be taken if you have the opportunity, but like most things in life if help does not come you find ways to cope.
You stand praying in the bathroom for 10 minutes and let the baby cry.
You go for a walk with the stroller.
You get up early or stay up later with your husband.
You make a schedule which gives you little breaks to yourself.
You're flexible.
You read or surf or do something which takes you mentally away from the problem.
You make up little things to look forward to doing.
You put the baby in a swing.
For older children you turn the tv on for 30 minutes.
Somehow you survive it. You get to melt down. You get angry. You apologize. You scream in a locked room. You remind yourself how your mother went through this and her mother, etc. You pray. You find a way.
I wish you the best.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/2/2008 9:12:53 PM
|
|
|
Georgia-Peach
Posts: 1876
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Georgia on my mind
Status: offline
|
quote:
How often do you take a break? Is it possible for you?
I only take breaks if I absolutely need them, not just out of a selfish desire. I only take breaks when hubby is available to watch him which is every evening and the weekends. We do have friends that would watch him, but I only use them on the rare occasion we go out for a date. We do not live near family so that is out of the question as well. Nap times are my break time as well and I look forward to them each and everyday. Hunter usually naps about 3 hours in the afternoon and I use that for my time...even if it is to clean the house. There is nothing like being able to clean without a toddler coming behind you "helping". But, to answer the question probably once a month do I really take a break where I leave him at home with hubby to go do something by myself.
I agree with Tamara sometimes you just have to put the baby down, take a breather, and cope with the situation.
_____________________________
Chelle
A Mother holds her child's hand for a moment, but holds their heart forever.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/2/2008 10:58:15 PM
|
|
|
NotDoneYet
Posts: 289
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
|
Tonight was the first "break" we've had in about 8 months...
I work full time, so does my husband...the girls are 5 and 3 and we take care of my disabled mother...break? what's that?
Tonight we went OUT! dinner and a movie. My stepdaughter came over, watched the kids and my mom...but that's the first time in 8 months.
The closest thing I get to "time alone" is either driving between the babysitter's and my office or my office and the babysitters...that's it...
In my "prior life" as a SAHM of 5...I was mom 24/7...
A break may be 10 minutes alone...it might be a quick nap when the baby naps, it might be just putting the baby in the bouncy seat while you sit and vegetate for a few...
I WISH I had grandma's and nana's who would take the kids for a weekend....
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/3/2008 12:29:55 AM
|
|
|
funny_girl
Posts: 882
Status: offline
|
Want to know what happened? After I wrote the OP, I put a load in the dryer for 70 minutes and then I crawled into bed. I slept face up and kept waking myself up when I'd snore a little, lol...why I didn't roll over sooner, I'll never know. After my nap, I went to check on my laundry. There was only a few minutes left. I think it was about 5:30 p.m. when I asked my husband if I should call the people and have him come home but decided maybe I'd take them up on the offer and let him spend the night so I got the overnight bag ready with more bottles, formula, and pajamas. They arrived around 6 p.m. to pick up the package and seemed to be enjoying him so I kissed him several times and let him go. My husband and then decided to go to a 7:30 p.m. showing of Hancock so I went and took a shower and made myself presentable...not that I wasn't but I wanted to wash my hair first. As soon as the movie was over, which by the way was a sad movie, I walked out and saw a baby girl in a man's arms and quickly thought of baby Danny. I said to my husband that I missed the baby and wanted him back and wanted to know if it was too late? He said, "absolutely not!" I called the couple and said we'd gone to a movie and now I miss the baby and we drove over and picked him up. Funny thing is that I still wonder if he really recognizes us yet? With anyone that can handle him similiar to me, he's sweet and smiley. Well, don't forget I'm 39 and my babies are 17 & 18 years old! It's been a LOOOONG time! I'm not knocking anyone that has help and highly recommend it, but when my kids were little I rarely had a sitter or any help from family or friends. I was young enough that I enjoyed being a mommy. I did loose it a few times but overall was a great mom. Like my mom said, I'm getting to the age of being a grandparent...eeewww  , how can I say that??? 
Last night, I was trying to bake my husband some brownies and wanted to get it done so I put him in his swing and let him cry a little. My husband came in from a jog and was a little surprised but I told him that the baby was better off there than me getting mad at him because I couldn't get the brownies done. My husband finally picked him up and he sobbed for a little while. I did feel a little bad about it but it was one of those times when it was safer to let him cry than be mad at him. I love this little boy and he's already been through so much. His mommy abandoned him and he was starving to death. This may be why he needs so much attention. My housekeeper told me yesterday that she was impressed with how I mother him. She doesn't think anyone else would do it that way but I find that hard to believe. I do think he is more 'demanding' of my time than other babies, but I could be wrong. He seems so normal, just wants a lot of attention. Maybe it'd be better to have one of his siblings here to keep him company???? What do you think? Those that know me, know that I'm at my limit now physically. I have 3 herniated discs and am limited with how much I can do physically.
Not done, I wish you had some help! You do understand!!!!! I'd help you if I could!
Thank you for your support and glad to hear that you could see a nap was in order. I just can't take a nap normally, but obviously today was the day!
< Message edited by funny_girl -- 8/3/2008 12:39:53 AM >
_____________________________
"...bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown...poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." II Corinthians 6:8-10
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/3/2008 8:22:34 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6015
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: funny_girl
Well, don't forget I'm 39 and my babies are 17 & 18 years old! It's been a LOOOONG time!
Wow, you started young! When I was 39 my children were 9 and 5! Or maybe I just started late! lol
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/3/2008 8:44:14 AM
|
|
|
funny_girl
Posts: 882
Status: offline
|
Yes manda, we started out really young! Actually 20 years ago this last week. This was suppose to be 'our' time now. I can't tell you what a shock it's been, BUT, I've wanted another baby over the past 2 years and even asked my husband if he'd like to have a baby a couple months ago even though I knew it was physically impossible. My husband has had to do a lot of self talking. We have a cousin who just had a baby at 39. He also noticed that someone recently passed away at 54 with a jr. higher in the house so he's realizing that we could raise this baby and still have a good 20 years to have 'our' time. Even though things have been going south for 4 years now and the wrinkles have appeared, I have some serious back problems from playing TOO hard when I was younger and sleep deprivation seriously effects me, I'm really excited about this adventure.
Yes, notdone, we need to stick together because this is different than having been prego and taking care of your own baby, not that I treat him any different, he's loved on just the same and that's the beauty of it, but when they are yours and your younger, it's different. As phari mentioned quote:
we just don't have to make our errors while being closely watched, corrected or instructed by someone who figured that one out already. this is actually the beauty caring for children at our age having raised children already. We have figured it out. Having had 'postpartum' depression I think now it was more sleep deprivation than anything else. Lack of rest really upsets the system. I do remember taking naps with my newborns, I had to and did. But my body was suddenly given a baby with no notice and so I'm not wanting to take a nap. I want my same busy life with a baby My housekeeper told me Friday that she couldn't believe that I'd take him with how busy our lives are. I just try and not think about it, otherwise I'll get stressed and lose sleep. All things are possible!
_____________________________
"...bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown...poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." II Corinthians 6:8-10
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/3/2008 8:48:07 AM
|
|
|
joannepir
Posts: 174
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: NY
Status: offline
|
I think you are doing a great job with your foster son, Danny. I think it is hard for the moms who were attachment-type parents with our own kids. I "wore" my own children constantly and almost never left them as babies. When you get older (I'm your age), it gets harder to mother like that. You are doing fine with Danny and it sounds like he is getting all the loving and care that he needs. You may just have to adjust your thinking to not feeling guilty that he is in the swing and you are getting something else done. A lot of first time moms are like that. I remember when I went to visit one of my friends who had a small baby. All the time we were having coffee, her baby was on the floor in a bouncy seat - facing the other direction! I couldn't believe a mom wouldn't atleast turn the baby to face her and that the baby wouldn't object to being by herself for that long! She was fine though, just what she was used to. My babies had to be on my lap with eye contact. That's just how we were.
You are older and have already raised children. Obviously God has put Danny into your care and he is thriving and happy. Give yourself some scheduled breaks (even when you don't seem to need it) and know that is okay. I admire what you are doing. He is a lucky baby.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/3/2008 11:12:18 AM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1041
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
baby was on the floor in a bouncy seat - facing the other direction!
My baby likes this! If she sees me, she wants me. If she wants me, she wants to be held. If she wants to be held, she wants to nurse... but if she has the impression that she is 'alone' she will happily play for more than an hour. So I usually face her away from me when I put her down, facing towards the front window, which can be entertaining for her.
I once took her to a ladies retreat, held her a lot and passed her around to others. She became very fussy by the end. Finally I set her down rather than handing her off when I was doing something, and she was a happy clam. Baby likes to play solo... who knew?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/3/2008 11:53:36 AM
|
|
|
joannepir
Posts: 174
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: NY
Status: offline
|
That's funny! I remember with my second child: he was really fussy. I tried holding him, walking with him, nursing him, standing on my head... Finally, in exasperation, I laid him on the couch with a pacifier, and low and behold - he went to sleep.
I was one of those moms who thought they had to be held constantly.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/3/2008 7:07:24 PM
|
|
|
delete123
Posts: 975
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: funny_girl
Well, don't forget I'm 39 and my babies are 17 & 18 years old!
My housekeeper told me yesterday
FunnyGirl~
You have more than I have had. My son has a delayed digestive system and it was a nightmare. His formula did not agree with him since birth. He had developed an allergy to milk, yet because of his digestive system could not have soy.
But today they still do not know why he has a milk intolerance after years of testing. I give him goats milk which is very costly ($20.00 a gal).
I did not and still do not have any help with him.
He doesn't always sleep through the night, I'm lucky if he sleeps one night through.
I wanted to point out that you wrote that you are 39 y/o and have a housekeeper.
I wish I had at least one of those. I was told I could never have children, Well the Lord blessed me with one. It has not been an easy road, I have hypothroidism, plus ptsd.
I also wanted you to know that I am 47 y/o, my son is now 2 1/2y/o.
So I just wanted you to know, You Can and You will get through it!
Tamara offered you some good advice
CRH
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/4/2008 4:44:44 PM
|
|
|
joannepir
Posts: 174
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: NY
Status: offline
|
quote:
by that statement you are assuming that the baby is like that all the time, but more then likely they are not. Maybe the mom scheduled coffee for a time during the day when the baby likes to be down and in the bouncy seat on her own. I definitely wouldn't judge a mom for putting a baby down for 30 minutes, esp if the baby is fine with it...even if there is no interaction. You don't have to "entertain" your baby 24/7 just because they are a baby...some alone time for them to just chill is good (for some personalities of babies).
I am not "assuming" that the baby is like that all the time. And, I'm not judging a mom for putting a baby down for 30 minutes. My point was that they baby WAS fine. I think I said in my posts that sometimes we as mothers have to realize that the babies don't need to be held constantly.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/4/2008 8:42:30 PM
|
|
|
joannepir
Posts: 174
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: NY
Status: offline
|
It really isn't a judgment at all. That's the way she treated her babies. They got very little attention anyway. They just got used to being happy on their own. Now that they are older, they are very rude and annoying kids - kids that no one wants to be around.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/4/2008 10:28:15 PM
|
|
|
funny_girl
Posts: 882
Status: offline
|
quote:
All the time we were having coffee, her baby was on the floor in a bouncy seat - facing the other direction! I couldn't believe a mom wouldn't atleast turn the baby to face her and that the baby wouldn't object to being by herself for that long! She was fine though, just what she was used to.
Joan, I responded to this yesterday w/a long post, timed out and lost it, but you sure gave me the giggles. That's a hilarious post! I'm giggling about it again just thinking of the baby feeling alone while mom sat behind her. In fact, as we were shopping today I bought a baby backpack and my husband said they forgot one position, for when the baby wanted to see what he left or wanted to be 'alone'.
I see your point and some moms are a little clueless and like you said, the baby didn't have a problem with it. Although the baby could have spit all over herself and the mom never looked to see. Oh well.
quote:
funny_girl, maybe you can teach your housekeeper to bake brownies and you sit on the couch with the baby. Do your back problems preclude you from carrying him in a sling?
You're too cute! She probably would do it if I asked since she's also my friend and being that I'm her pastor's wife she tries so hard to please. I have to keep her out of my underwear!!! She wants to help me with our laundry and I'm too embarrassed about that. It's really embarrassing to have to ask for help because I'm not very old but it's for physical reasons that I need someone.
I couldn't find a good sling, but enjoyed one with my boys. Today we went ahead a bought a baby backpack and he can ride in front. It has a thick belt that goes around my waist. I have to wear a back support belt lifting him and if I'm doing any house work.
CRH,
I'm sorry for your burdens. I wish I didn't need a housekeeper and could give you mine. It's very humbling for me to have one being that I don't feel old enough to have help. Fortuneately, she's very appreciative for the work, is trustworthy and we are able to share with one another about the Lord. She was so excited when my husband and I prayed for her trip today. She in return prayed for the healing of my back.
< Message edited by funny_girl -- 8/4/2008 10:41:31 PM >
_____________________________
"...bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown...poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." II Corinthians 6:8-10
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Taking a break - 8/5/2008 8:52:36 AM
|
|
|
delete123
Posts: 975
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: funny_girl
CRH,
I'm sorry for your burdens.
Funny Girl~
I guess my post didn't come across as I have wished. Maybe I should have worded it differently.
I was trying to point out that I am certainly older and with the limitations that I have and the issues I went through with my son. I made it through and know You Can too!
Not to mention that you are blessed with 2 things over me that can help you through this moment of time.
Sorry if my orginal post seemed down, I am certainly not down. God has blessed me with this opportunity of motherhood. A little weary, but high in spirits, lol!
CRH
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
He may need to be in physical contact with you a lot more than your birth children because of that. Something to look into, anyway.
