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Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 1:53:31 PM
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HisCovenant
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I have several people that I would like to meet with to develop a closer relationship.
We have a couple of conversations talking about how we should get together and how we would enjoy getting together. Sometimes the we-should-get-together conversation is initiated by them and others by me. There is at no point any hesitation such as, "I don't have time" or "I'm not sure I could afford going out for lunch" or "I'd have the kids with me and would rather not." The suggestion for the appointment is always appropriate, for example, if it's a male friend it is alway a "let's get our families together" thing. Eventually, I respond with specific times during the week in which it would take no sacrifice at all on my part to meet with them and the suggestion that if these times aren't convenient to let me know what is a convenient time for them so I can see about adjusting my schedule.
<crickets chirping in the background>
Then, at some point in the future long after an appropriate time to respond to my suggested times depending on how often I have a private conversation with that friend, we play the same game all over again. We say we'd like to get together, but when I mention times I don't get any response...
I'm reaching the frustration level where I'm wanting to respond to the next cycle of we-should-get-together conversations with a statement like, "Oh! I thought you didn't really want to get together because you never follow through." That may be an OK statement to make, but I'm afraid I can't say it without a really snotty tone of voice.
What am I missing? I feel like I have done all in my power to make a mutually acceptable appointment happen short of nagging. Am I crazy? Is something going on that I am oblivious to? What should I be doing? Is there a place for the "why are you ignoring me" conversation or is it better to just let it go?
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 2:03:42 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 881
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Next time its brought up (and I wouldn't bring it up again), I would probably just say something like "I'd love to and you have my schedule of availability" or "I'd love to, when would you like to and I'll see if I have time". Or you could just say "yes that would be nice" and leave it at that. You could say something about how he or she keeps suggesting the meeting but don't really seem to want to meet up in the end. I don't really know. sorry I can't be more helpful.
_____________________________
God grades on the cross – not on a curve
Good – God = 0
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 4:16:46 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 775
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Let it fall on deaf ears... evidently
the people who are responding this way
are on giving "lip service" and nothing more.
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 6:37:58 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1775
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I just got home from such a meeting for dinner and am SO GLAD I followed up enough to schedule it the day after calling.
If it is important to you then you take the initiative to call and set a date for meeting asap and do it.
Waiting on the other person to make plans is wasted time.
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 6:57:01 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4976
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
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Most of the time for me the problem is that when people ask about getting together, I have no idea if I'm doing anything that day or not unless I have my calendar in front of me. I can't tell you what day would work for me until I go home and look at the calendar, talk to my husband to see if there's anything going on that's not on the calendar, etc. If someone said, "We should get together" and I told them I'd love to, I would expect them to call me up and invite me at a specific time. I would feel like I was imposing to call them back and say, "Hey, remember that time when you said we should come over sometime? Well, do you still want us to come?" I don't know if they really want us to come over or they are just being polite, or if they are busy or not.
My suggestion would be to let them know that you will be calling them to set up a time, and then do it. Don't wait for them to call you. 
< Message edited by Consecrated2God -- 9/22/2008 7:23:04 PM >
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<--Plantation house in Louisiana
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 7:25:25 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4976
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From: Formerly Jesus Land
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An e-mail would work for me, since I do e-mail, but I have lots of friends that it wouldn't work for at all. (I simply can't understand people that don't check their e-mail for days at a time, but anyway, that's another rant!) I've found that calling people on the phone while they are at home seems to be the best way of getting them to actually look at a calendar and set up a time.
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<--Plantation house in Louisiana
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 7:37:48 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6014
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Have you tried asking them when would suit them, and then seeing whether you can make any of those times, rather than telling them first when would be convenient for you?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 8:14:58 PM
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HisCovenant
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I did that for years and then heard the suggestion that one should be more proactive and suggest times so the other knew you were being serious. It seems lots of people are going around saying "Lets do lunch" and not meaning it; so people think you're just being polite if you don't offer times. I can't remember where I came across that suggestion of offering times yourself, but it hasn't caused a noticable difference in friends following through on meeting with me.
I moved a lot as a child and never had friends (lots of aquaintances, but NO friends.) I never got to see my mother or other family members model friendship for me either because we were so far away from her friends and family (and moved so much that she didn't make new friends)... so I feel pretty deficient in understanding why when I reach out to others do they not reach back.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 8:23:55 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
I did that for years and then heard the suggestion that one should be more proactive and suggest times so the other knew you were being serious. It seems lots of people are going around saying "Lets do lunch" and not meaning it; so people think you're just being polite if you don't offer times. I can't remember where I came across that suggestion of offering times yourself, but it hasn't caused a noticable difference in friends following through on meeting with me.
So when you asked them for days/times that would suit them, what would they say?
I personally think it's just as proactive to do that, as to first offer dates/times which are right for oneself. And to me it would be preferable to be asked first, rather than be told when the other person is free.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 8:41:06 PM
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HisCovenant
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They don't repond at all if it's via email. If it's a conversation, they say they will let me know or for me to contact them with times. Then, I type it into an email and they never respond back.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/22/2008 8:52:31 PM
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HisCovenant
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I don't want to hear that, Manda!!!
Lisa, I'd love that!!
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/23/2008 11:27:49 AM
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sisrev
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From: The South, ya'll
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I, too, have come to the conclusion that "Let's get together sometime" has become a rhetorical "yes-it's-nice-to-see-you-hope-I-run-into-you-again-sometime" statement. The only way to find out if they really mean is to do as you have done--offer specifics, get back to them, and then wait.
I have a couple of people that I thought were my friends that I have more or less written off because of things like this. I felt that I was always the one doing the pursuing, making the effort, doing the running. I finally decided that they did not share my interest in maintaining a relationship, so I just stopped doing the running and the pursuing--and I was right, they aren't interested enough.
I've also had this with acquaintances that I thought seemed interested in getting to know each other more, etc. Sometimes if just doesn't happen, and I don't really know why. I guess they "just aren't that into me", even as a friend.
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My new blog, A Virtuous Woman
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/23/2008 4:55:36 PM
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shadowspring
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My suggestion is to keep casting that net of friendship near and far! You'll catch one eventually.
One of my very best friends kept refusing my offers of friendship for over two years!
She is much older than I am, and raising her grand-kids. When she first moved into our neighborhood and I saw her granddaughter out riding bikes with the grandfather, I ran out with my husband's business card, names of my children with ages, and my name and phone number written on the back. I explained how few children live in our neighborhood and how we would love to get together sometime. Looking back, I was so desperate for friends I probably came off sort of scary! LOL
No response. A year goes by. I am out walking with my children and we pass her and her grandchildren out in the yard. Pleasantries are again exchanged, the children play while we talk, and then another year goes by before I hear from her again.
This time, she sees my name and address on a mailing list for a home schooling group and calls me, "Are you the neighbor with the two children...?"
We set up a field trip together and took the children. The field trip was so-so, the kids didn't really mesh personality-wise, but we talked for hours and found out we have much in common. That was six years ago, and we speak at least once a week. I count her among my very best friends.
Of course I did not sit at home alone and friendless during those two years. I was active in a home school group, a women's social club, a book club at church, volunteering for my children's sports teams, etc.
So just keep after it. Don't let the people who turn you down stop you from being friendly. Invite other people to hang out, and then go back later and give these people another chance. Seek (friends) and you WILL find.... 
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/23/2008 10:00:15 PM
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HisCovenant
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Thank you for the encouragement, shadowspring.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/28/2008 9:24:31 PM
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supernova1976
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This is sooooooooo my story right now HisCovenant. Only mine is more that I belong to an online community at my church group that our VERY PASTOR said to join so that we could all become closer. I message people , give them, a week, two weeks, leave a comment, say something nice, and nada and no one ever writes back, yet they have time to post new status updates every 20 minutes. I know I am a good loyal friend. Their loss.
< Message edited by supernova1976 -- 9/29/2008 11:20:07 AM >
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/29/2008 11:05:32 AM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4291
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I was born in '74... is it our generation?
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 9/29/2008 11:21:59 AM
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supernova1976
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haha I was born in 76. Maybe so:) I seriously know that some people are just so caught up in themselves they don't even value someone like us "taking the time" to be their friend. I don't agree that if we are not into someone we should not make them a part of our life somehow. Jesus loved everyone. We are called to live like him. I am friends with all kinds of people.
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 10/6/2008 4:49:06 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 479
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
I was born in '74... is it our generation?
I wonder that too. (I was born in '75.)
Also could be that some folks are hesitant about getting to know particular acquaintances any deeper than they already do. I feel that way about some of my co-workers. One particular gal I didn't even like very much, till I prayed about my regard against her... and I began to be more open to discovering that indeed she's a great person to know. And I discovered that that is true! =) Now I'd like to hang out with her, but I don't know of a point of commonality that would really spark deeper friendship. Our personalities are very different. So... until I have that "linch-pin" interaction with her, we likely won't hang out... even if she invited me.
Some people are going to remain acquaintances all your life. Some of those acquaintances are only in your sphere of contact for a season. Don't put all your friendship eggs in those baskets.
Keep making new acquaintances. Keep planting friendship seeds and watering them all a little bit. But put the plant food on the ones that currently show signs of development. Pray about all of them. God will open doors, windows, fence gates, and secret entrances into gardens... Be on the lookout for those opportunities!
Blessings to ya!! =)
_____________________________
"We're not odd, we're just over-expressive."—Helen in Howard's End
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 10/6/2008 4:59:39 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 479
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
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A little encouragement...
One of my friendships that definitely has the marks of "kindred spirit" still hasn't been the smoothest. I haven't always felt at ease with my friend. But that wasn't her fault. It's just part of getting to know each other.
On my end, it's been a thing of being hesitant to "put a foot wrong" and then realizing that if one doesn't try, isn't willing to stumble or make a muddle, then one isn't going to know if this question or that clarifying remark is or is not helpful to furthering the friendship.
And though she is different from me in a lot of ways, we are a lot alike in others. Hence the kindred spirit thing! =)
Sometimes I think she will respond in a certain way, but she doesn't. Sometimes I think she might not respond in a certain positive way, but she does! I'm learning to allow for a person's differences ... that we don't have to be totally in agreement all the time to be in sync, in tune. (I think this is perhaps a good preparation for dating relationships too!) We can empathize without being "the same."
She just e-mailed me in response to something I wrote her... something I didn't expect her to say much about. Instead, she wrote a lot! (yay!) AND... what she wrote totally ministered to me in a way that nothing (and I mean NOTHING) has in the past three weeks at least. God knew how to get through to me, and He used her.
So keep watering and feeding friendships.... Be a friend. Keep being a friend. Keep offering your friendship. You never know which seeds will germinate and grow into beautiful flowers or towering trees.
_____________________________
"We're not odd, we're just over-expressive."—Helen in Howard's End
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RE: Setting Appointments with Friends/Aquaintances - 10/6/2008 5:19:41 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4291
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Thanks, Elena. Your two posts mean a lot to me.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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