|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/26/2008 7:09:18 PM
|
|
|
genesis111
Posts: 9
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline
|
Hey guys.
(I wrote this in a vague manner to not point fingers at certain practices and get off topic chasing down rabbit trails.)
I need some advice. I am a Christian man and have been married for 15 years. My wife and I are in our upper 30s. We moved away from our relatives approximately 6 years ago. It takes two days when traveling by car to get to where our relatives live.
My wife and I are Christians and have really tried to clean up our lives and are training our children in Bible studies and take an active part in showing them the differences between right and wrong decisions. We are walking the walk and are careful to not expose them to things that are just pure evil worldly (which is a very hard thing to do).
To get to the point, our relatives who live rather far away are coming over for a holiday soon. They are bringing with them lots of non-Christian "baggage." In other words, they are very worldly and do not study the Bible nor practice Christianity in any form. They plan to stay in our home for an entire week.
This is going to expose our family to things that I personally do not feel comfortable at all with. If we didn't have children it wouldn't be so bad because I can watch them and decern what is right and wrong. But my children will be exposed to their worldly children and in a very bad way. Just think of the worst and you are right on track.
Here are my options as I see it:
1) Ignore the problem and just endure the 1 week and try to make every body happy.
2) Confront the relatives on Every issue that arises and probably hurt their feelings.
3) Pay for them to stay in a hotel since they cannot afford it.
4) Ask them to cut their trip down to only two days staying here so we are not exposed to an entire week.
5) Tell them not to come.
6) Tell them we are instead going to come out there and just stay in a hotel to cut down on our interaction time.
The relatives are on my wife's side of the family. This is either going to be a smooth time or it is going to explode. I don't want to make my wife unhappy. She is being very cautious about the whole thing and admits there will probably be some problems.
Anybody else been through this? My thinking is "this is My house and they are visitors and should abide by My house rules" but it won't work out that way. Is it okay to bring non-Christians who are very worldly into your home and expose your young children to this for an entire week?
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/26/2008 8:35:10 PM
|
|
|
spiritchsr1
Posts: 143
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Ohio
Status: offline
|
RUN FOR THE HILLS! THE OUT LAWS ARE COMING! THE OUT LAWS ARE COMING!.
I wouldn't wish my Inlaws on anyone. Mine are very simialar to yours. Unfortunitely mine are only 30 minutes away, and there are a bunch of them. My wife comes from a family of 12. They are all very worldly people.
They don't like me, and I don't like them. I stay away from them as much as possible. They always have big get togethers overthere, especially the Christmas Eve gift exchange. It's a free for all of Gimmies. I let the wife and kids go over there. i stay home.
My wife and I do go over and visit her dad once in awhile when the whole family is not around though.
I think you ought to start preaching to them about the Lord and being saved. Maybe they will dislike it so much they may leave early. I tried this in our early years of marriage but it was like talking to a brick wall.
The only thing you can reaally do is pray for them, that God might change their hearts.
Give them all up to the Lord and ask him for a lot of patience.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/26/2008 9:08:08 PM
|
|
|
APZR
Posts: 967
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: offline
|
This is YOUR HOUSE... and YOU have the right to law down the law. I'd say make your house open ONLY IF they can follow YOUR rules. If they refuse to, or can't accept your rules, then they should make other arrangements for accommodations. If they can't behave at dinner and family social time, then they'd be shown the door, to not be invited back. I'd be darned if I'd get stuck with a weeks worth of hotel bills to keep someone I don't like around for "the sake of the holidays".
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/26/2008 9:40:38 PM
|
|
|
denbert
Posts: 17772
Status: offline
|
-
quote:
I don't want to make my wife unhappy.
Herein lies the rub.
_____________________________
The solution to a problem changes the problem
Denny
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/26/2008 10:12:59 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 8031
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: APZR
This is YOUR HOUSE... and YOU have the right to law down the law. I'd say make your house open ONLY IF they can follow YOUR rules. If they refuse to, or can't accept your rules, then they should make other arrangements for accommodations. If they can't behave at dinner and family social time, then they'd be shown the door, to not be invited back. I'd be darned if I'd get stuck with a weeks worth of hotel bills to keep someone I don't like around for "the sake of the holidays".
But make sure you lay the law down BEFORE they come. Let them kow up front that they are welcome BUT no alcohol, no smoking no bad language etc.. and if they insist on doing those things they will be asked to leave.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/27/2008 7:47:47 AM
|
|
|
genesis111
Posts: 9
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline
|
Thank you guys for responding. I have been praying about this and it sure does help to hear from other men. Right now I don't have a group of men that I can meet with and talk about things like this so I really appreciate this forum and all of you who are here.
God bless!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/27/2008 12:54:30 PM
|
|
|
stamper_ben
Posts: 10375
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
|
How do you react when out in the world, for much of the world is unsaved.
Use discernment with your wife's family. Confront them in love if things get outlandish. Use the visit as a teaching opportunity for you kids, AND theirs if the chance arises.
Unless they are practicing witchcraft or offering up children to sacrifices, the attitude and love you show might be the only Christian witness they ever see.
You can't hide from the world. Remember, we are told to be in it, just not of it.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/27/2008 2:56:12 PM
|
|
|
shoe
Posts: 41
Joined: 11/3/2005
Status: offline
|
How does your wife feel about them visiting? I know for a fact that my wife cannot stand my sister and doesn't hold back voicing her opinion should any visit get announced. I can't stand my sister either, which works out for me. I kind of like Stamper Ben's thought of killing them with kindness and love. They won't realize that they are doing something wrong if there isn't a clear, positive example. A simple "We don't do that here." should suffice, unless they are that dense. Good luck!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/27/2008 3:11:06 PM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1875
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
didn't have children it wouldn't be so bad because I can watch them and decern what is right and
I've been that route before and the solution was we put a limit of 3 days max. visit...and then we got a hotel room for them. I made it clear that was the only acceptable terms...and stressed the importance of maintaining a schedule for our family so they eventually got used to it.
You don't owe a lot of explanations ...one simple one is enough.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/28/2008 12:24:11 PM
|
|
|
genesis111
Posts: 9
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline
|
I truly appreciate the responses. My wife started crying this morning when we talked about this issue. I know what the solution is at this point. I would rather not go into too much detail because you would have to know all of the little details and history to fully understand.
Basically, my wife cannot talk to her relatives about this beforehand. I cannot talk to them beforehand either. It would be nice if we could talk to them piror to their arrival but it just won't work at all. If it would make a difference then I definitely would do so but it won't.
My wife cannot confront her family without getting emotional and bringing out old scars from her past. So me, as the leader of our household, will have to handle this very delicately. I will have a talk with them immediately upon arrival and lay out the "rules" of the home. Not to scare them or change them but instead to make them aware of what I consider questionable behavior. The main focus will be that we just don't do these things in our own home and ask that they respect our choices we have made and help us not expose my children to certain things.
When we are in "the world" yes we are definitely bombarded with this stuff over and over and over. This is what we try to keep out of our home but it is almost impossible to keep everything out of our home because we are all stuck here in this world. So I have been careful to use the worldly examples as what not to do and pointed out in the Bible where you can plainly read that God does not condone certain behaviors that we see all around us today. My main concern is for my children to not think that all of a sudden all of this stuff is "okay" since they see people in their own home doing these things.
This morning I was praying and it was indeed revealed to me that this is a HUGE opportunity for me to witness to these people. They are so lost in our world without any hope because they are so deeply wrapped into everything our world has to offer them. I think this may just turn out to be the best witnessing opportunity in my entire life. I have so much to tell them and I can relate to them at their level. This is going to be good!!!!
Thank you guys again.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/28/2008 3:40:22 PM
|
|
|
APZR
Posts: 967
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: offline
|
Maybe you could have a discussion with your kids beforehand to talk about some of the concerns... not so they'll become tattle-tells, but so they know that certain behaviors will not be accepted in your house after the guest leave come weeks end?
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/28/2008 4:39:04 PM
|
|
|
genesis111
Posts: 9
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: APZR
Maybe you could have a discussion with your kids beforehand to talk about some of the concerns...
Yes this is a good idea and yes both my wife and I are already drilling this into their heads. I do hope this turns out to be a positive experience in the end and wouldn't this be awesome if this was a turning point in their lives and they became saved.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/28/2008 7:35:35 PM
|
|
|
flyboy2610
Posts: 141
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: genesis111
Basically, my wife cannot talk to her relatives about this beforehand. I cannot talk to them beforehand either. It would be nice if we could talk to them piror to their arrival but it just won't work at all. If it would make a difference then I definitely would do so but it won't.
It costs 42 cents to send a letter. Tell them politely, but firmly, what the rules of behavior are in your home, and ask them to abide by them. If they can't (or won't) then the visit will be canceled. Remind them that when you visit their home, their rules apply, and when they visit yours, your rules apply.
_____________________________
If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Red Green
If you're going to live like there's no hell..... you'd better be right.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/28/2008 8:03:50 PM
|
|
|
Teaching_The_Way
Posts: 58
Joined: 4/18/2006
From: Teaching The Way Ministries
Status: offline
|
I know the feeling friend about spending holidays or any other time with the relatives. Be cause of me and my wifes firm Christian Faith our relatives do not like us very much. ANd when we do try to communicate with them they critize us, and try to make us feel as bad as possible.
So we stay far away from them. We tried to tell them about Jesus in so many ways. As Jesus has said: Matt 10:14-15
14 And whoever will not receive you nor hear your words, when you depart from that house or city, shake off the dust from your feet.
NKJV
Jesus is firmly against those who are stubborn and bent on their own ways and on doing evil.
Here is another scripture to remember about a disciple who wanted to go and bury his dad.
Matt 8:21-22
21 Then another of His disciples said to Him, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father."
22 But Jesus said to him, "Follow Me, and let the dead bury their own dead ."
NKJV
The disciples dad was spiritually dead and so was those who were attending the funeral.
Our straight focus should be telling others about Jesus if they are willing to listen, if they are not willing to listen we should turn our backs on them out of protest against their stubborn and blinded hearts.
As Jesus said: Matt 7:6
6 "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces. NKJV
They is why we should not try to tell people that DO NOT want to listen about Jesus, if we do they will attack us in one way or the other. They can even take us away from our Faith in Jesus Christ.
Well Friend, I would be careful, maybe hide out until your relatives are gone. LOL :) Just be careful that they do not tear you and your wife to pieces. ANd if they are in-laws thats 100 times worse, especially if they do not like you, they may try to tear your marriage apart.
Pray allot my friend for protection for you and your wife and your marriage as well. Well God Bless :)
_____________________________
http://teachingtheway.net/
If our opinions does not line up with
the scriptures, then our opinions are
dead wrong! Gods words are more important
than our opinions!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/29/2008 2:05:18 PM
|
|
|
Cornhusker00
Posts: 14
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
|
Let me start by saying that I understand your concern about this. However, you need to relax. If you and your wife are training your children in the way they should go, then one week with the inlaws is not going to irradicate 10 years of Godly parenting. Have a little faith that the word of God won't return void. After all, your children are going to be exposed to the world at some point. Sheltering them from how others are isn't doing them any favors. You can't control the world they are going to enter.. All you can do is prepare them for it so that they will make right choices and cling to God when they are out on their own. Instead of viewing this as a threat to their existance, use it as an opportunity to slowly begin coaching them through this aspect of life.
As far as your relatives are concerned, you need to make sure that you are modeling an example of love to them. Either they are invited to have christmas with you or they aren't. Welcome them into your home and love them. Try to avoid slamming them with a list of Do's and Don'ts when they walk through the door. All this will do is make them feel unwelcome and having to meet a set of criteria before you will accept them. If they make a mistake and break one of your rules, even if they didn't mean to, it will leave them feeling like they've failed in some way and make you feel as if they don't respect your wishes. You, in essence, are Christ to them and you need to let them come to Him as they are, not as you want them to be. That is why Christ told us that we need to practice forgiveness. After all, Christ never made us go to His house having all our stuff together... it seems pretty unreasonable to expect the same from others. (Granted, you don't want the child sacrifices someone else mentioned, but you get my drift.)
Extend grace to them. You know better on many things... they don't. Only address the IMPORTANT things that need to be addressed with them. Don't argue with them over every thing they do that you don't agree with. You'll have to excercise discernment over what those things are and allow yourself to be sensitive to God on that so that you will know what to address. If you argue and point out everything they're doing wrong (even though you may be right) you're going to come across as legalistic and condescending, whereas if you show them grace and love them then you will show them the kindness of God and they will see how you have been changed. Remember, it is God's KINDNESS, not his judgement that led us to repentance.
In this whole situation, it basically boils down to the point that you and your family have been saved and set apart... the inlaws haven't yet. Therefor, the burden of forgiveness, understanding, grace and love are on you, not your relatives because they don't know better. As the man of the house, you need to determine whether your family is ready to model Christ to the inlaws in the manner they need. If your family is not equipped or prepared to do that, then you need to respectfully decline the invitation to spend the holidays together. If you feel that you haven't prepared your children well enough to be introduced to people with darkened mindsets and they WON'T falter, then you need to decline the invitation until you have prepared them to handle such things. (Let me also say that if you haven't prepared them for this yet, then you NEED to start doing this because they will encounter this eventually.) Otherwise, you will be sending a mixed Gospel to them and it will do more harm than good. The ultimate purpose of everything is the salvation of souls.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/29/2008 2:58:01 PM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1875
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
How old are your kids?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 10/31/2008 12:17:51 PM
|
|
|
genesis111
Posts: 9
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
How old are your kids?
Hi Buckifn,
2, 6, and 9. It is a very complex issue and I agree pretty much with Every post. We will see how it goes. There is a huge chance at this point they may not even come to my house. Something else has come up at the last minute which may stop the entire trip. (Maybe God is at work here :) ).
Since I have kept this so vague it is really hard for everyone to exactly know what I am talking about but everyone is right on track here and I am so thankful for the responses.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 11/1/2008 5:35:38 PM
|
|
|
denbert
Posts: 17772
Status: offline
|
-
Yep, I see an opportunity here to show the love of Jesus.
_____________________________
The solution to a problem changes the problem
Denny
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Relatives coming over for upcoming holidays. - 11/7/2008 6:34:19 PM
|
|
|
jn1010lf
Posts: 351
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: online
|
Hello genesis111
It's hard to evaluate what you're saying. I don't know the level of religiousity you hold nor to what extent your relatives delve into worldly things. Your home, however, is your castle. You are the authority within it's walls.
I will say this. If your family is genuine, not religious, your relatives will see the difference. I do know that the peace if you truly have the peace of God that passes all understanding it will affect your relatives behavior.
You might make it known that on Sundays and Wednesday, you go to church. If you have a family alter, I would not change it. If you have a morning devotion time, I would not change it. I'm retired and have developed a mid morning prayer time. I doubt if I would change it if company came.
So, you be the judge. Remember again. You have a right to determine what goes on in your house. If visiters can't live with that, they might want to stay in a motel part of the time. It's up to them. I will say this. If anyone comes into my house an criticizes or scoffs at any practices of my faith, they leave.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
