|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
|
[Poll]
|
Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged
|
| Yes |
|
| No |
|
| I have never asked |
|
| I keep his/her personal life personal and would rather not know |
|
| He/she says no but I'm not sure |
|
| other |
|
Total Votes : 7
|
(last vote on : 12/8/2008 3:11:39 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
|
|
Login  | |
|
Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 10/27/2008 12:19:04 AM
|
|
|
nicole318
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/26/2008
Status: offline
|
Ok this might be long but I really want help.
My spouse and I are both 23. I consider myself intelligent and given both of our backgrounds, I consider us both pretty mature for our age.. again, for our age. We both need to work on things and I need you all to know that... I want constructive criticism or any advice on the both of us.
We dated 4 years before getting married. He asked me almost the first day he met me to marry him... and I pushed him back until the last minute. We actually split a year before the wedding (we were only dating); we couldn't find a healthy/understanding way to talk about our feelings... we had developed huge communication problems and even problems on healthy ways to SOLVE problems. I made it painfully clear that I didn't want him back when we split so that it truly was a "break-up" and I cut all contact out. I missed him terribly, into a deep depression. And he did too... he lost so much weight he looked sick... We really loved each other. So he found companionship a half year later and so did I. Except his was a little more involved (on her part... she was really needy) and I just wanted someone to text... so I guess I "chose" someone far away... so I wouldn't have to deal with the just "showing up" factors...
Long story short, he visited shortly after he had started dating her and we immediately rekindled everything and then some - we talked openly about both of our problems.. and three weeks later decided to get back together. He never saw her again and we moved 22 hours away. Then I wanted to get married so badly, so did he, and a half year later we were married. Three months later I found a secret email account he used for pornographic website accounts... I was away for two weeks for my brother's graduation & friend's wedding - both on opposite sides of the states.
I called him and told him I found it and just tried to tell him how it made me feel, how it really hurt me - I wanted to be the one he looked at like that - I explained that even when you look at a woman with lust in your eyes it's adultry - that I do not like the thought of supporting a billion dollar industry exploiting girls with failed image of themselves...
And he was remorseful. Not so much like that one woman that had her husband sell and put away everything - even hire a counselor. But when we travel for work, he chooses the hotels w/o internet... we both hardly get on the computer anymore - it felt like he really cared but still had a problem. And instead of leaving him for it I just honestly wanted to help him with it. No matter how much I prepared myself in my head to leave him if I didn't feel comfortable with the outcome - it just had that gut wrenching feeling deep inside of me. Like if my baby brother became hooked on drugs - like walking in on him shooting up and to just turn around and walk out of the door and then I guess out of his life - you know, telling him to just stop it and him saying "okay" but you know deep down it hurts... you know "it's his problem, he needs to deal with it" yeah... but it's my baby brother...
So I stood firm but maybe not completely satisfied. And then about two months ago, I was helping him send his billing in, and he was at the computer, signed into his normal email account and there it was - that girl he was seeing a year ago had sent him a letter. I don't think he noticed it, and I didn't say anything - because I guess I just wanted to SEE what he would do, instead of wonder... or snoop for months to see if she writes again...
and it took him a month, but when we argued about something small for like a TOTAL of two hours until we resolved it - he had written her back in that time. Just asking how she was and that he was glad she wanted to keep in contact. She wrote him back and gave him her number. He saved that number under one of his uncle's names... and then a couple of weeks letter just deleted it. As far as I know (which I am honestly around him 24/7... we work together, drive together, shop, laundry... live in a smaller apartment...) he hadn't texted her, and didn't show any distance from me. Then two nights ago, she texted him and said "hey wht have you been up to" ... he didn't write back, he just deleted it, i guess?
One, how did she get his number... Any normal signs that he was texting her would be that he suddenly starts hoarding his cellphone. But most of the day, it's sitting near me - he normally just lets it die and then a couple of days later has ME plug it up and turn it back on for him to tell me if he has any missed calls or texts...
But then why didn't he tell me she texted... and he never admitted writting her or her text.
Here's the deal (Thanks for sticking in and reading this all) - I have read all of the worried married women and their husbands with porn (I find porn on this computer every now and again... and I hope that one day we can really lay it ALL out and I can give him an ultimatum like everyone says is healthy) ... and everyone seems to just sadly agree that the men will never change, and they're better off realizing he had only lied about who he was and who you thought you married.
I want him so bad. I have about a dozen just extremely close friends and a huge extremely close family - I even had guys email me when they found out I was marrying him to tell me that they would forever be jealous and wish i would reconsider... ... it's not that I need him because I used to love my freedom and working on myself & my goals, and I could have another good guy if I wanted ... but I just really love and want him. I love him with everything inside of me and I can't imagine walking away from him. I mentioned after the whole porn thing... even after we resolved it - that he needed to think long and hard about whether he really wanted to be with me, or whether he just felt stuck with me now we were married... and he started crying - my really tough, never seen him cry husband had tears running down his face and he couldn't talk. And he begged me in the most humble way to never think that again...
I can't give up on him, or leave him... but I can't wonder if he's really just lying about everything underneath... if there are things I don't see and didn't see from dating long distance. (we lived next door, worked together and spent every waking moment together for six months before we were married... and three summers I lived with him and his family)... normally he's a giving guy and pretty compassionate... but it's like the porn and ex issue just came out of no where. and it seems so out of character that maybe it's just his hidden character.
what should i do. please don't say counseling... I cannot honestly afford counseling, especially when I can receive friendship and prayer counseling through boards like this - and my own network of family and friends. I just need advice, it's only been 8 months since we were married. Any advice you can give - or examples of friends/family... anything
ps.. and this is just really personal but I feel like it should also be said so I can really get the best help - I have made it a point to have sex with him at least once a day... and we both seem satisfied - he likes the system and so do i, so i don't feel like it's because he feels "unsatisfied" in that area... but his dad & brothers all pretty much support the porn industry, and it was kind of an unspoken "normal" thing that the mother never stood up against (she had one unfaithful husband and five boys that she raised mostly on her own)
Thank you, and I love you already for your support and replies... :)
I also found a way to add a poll... so I hope this works out, it would be interesting to see i guess.
Here's the question - Has your spouse struggled or succomed to Porn since you both married?
< Message edited by nicole318 -- 10/27/2008 12:44:57 AM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 10/27/2008 11:43:34 AM
|
|
|
truthrevealed
Posts: 414
Joined: 12/6/2007
Status: offline
|
My advice, lay all of the cards on the table. No secrets, no "playing it off." Pray about the best time and the best way to confront your husband, wait for God's leading and do so!
Also, if your husband is addicted to porn, or wathces porn on occasion, it's HIS issue that WILL NOT be resolved, or tamed, or lessoned due to the frequency of your "intimate" moments. Be it THREE times a day........it matters not!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 10/27/2008 3:08:09 PM
|
|
|
Hislittleone
Posts: 630
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
My advice, lay all of the cards on the table. No secrets, no "playing it off." Pray about the best time and the best way to confront your husband, wait for God's leading and do so!
Also, if your husband is addicted to porn, or wathces porn on occasion, it's HIS issue that WILL NOT be resolved, or tamed, or lessoned due to the frequency of your "intimate" moments. Be it THREE times a day........it matters not!
As the wife of an ex-porn user I have to say I heartily agree with this. ^^
It is possible for him to change and stop completely. But you both need to confront these issues head on. If you don't communicate openly and clearly about it then nothing will ever really be resolved.
quote:
and everyone seems to just sadly agree that the men will never change, and they're better off realizing he had only lied about who he was and who you thought you married.
Not everyone thinks that. Like I said I am married to an ex-porn user. My husband hasn't looked at porn since May of 2007. He is a changed man now, due to the power of the Holy Spirit.
Is your husband a Christian?
ETA: Posted too soon!  It's not surprising that your husband is looking at porn. It's a very common problem among men (even Christian ones). Plus he grew up in a household where it was acceptable and maybe even expected (you know, the old "all guys look" mindset  ). You said that his mom was married to "one unfaithful husband". Did you mean to imply that his dad had affairs and his mom turned a blind eye or are you referring to his dad's porn habit? Either way, your husband had a bad model of what a husband should be. So his behavior, while very wrong and sad, is not surprising.
You said not to tell you to go to counseling. So I won't say that....but I will say that many counselors charge clients on a sliding scale (meaning according to the clients income). Also, it costs less to get a little counseling than end up going through a messy divorce or living in misery for the rest of your life. And getting advice from friends/family is not the same as getting it from a trained professional.
Either way though, you need to talk with him about all of this.
Some resources that have really helped my husband and I are:
Every Heart Restored by Fred & Brenda Stoeker**
Every Man's Battle by Fred Stoeker & Steve Arterburn**
Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker
Discovering the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair**
Phone counseling with Ken Nair's ministry---it costs ~ $75 per hour and you can do it 1, 2 or 3 times per month.
I know that sounds like a lot of reading. Start out with these **
The Every Heart Restored book is for the wives of porn users/unfaithful husbands but it's good for the husband to read it as well (gives him good insight into how this really affects the wife). The other two books to start with are for the husband (but good for the wife to read as well).
The Ken Nair book and counseling has been the greatest help of all in our marriage (and we've tried more than one counselor over the years).
Here is Fred Stoeker's website.
Here is Ken Nair's website.
Books are available for purchase in most Christian bookstores or off these websites if you so choose.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 10/27/2008 3:26:52 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 10/27/2008 5:58:18 PM
|
|
|
jlea1982
Posts: 28
Joined: 10/7/2008
From: Las Vegas, NV
Status: offline
|
So here’s what happened with me. I’m 25 years old and my husband is 23. We have been married for 3 years and dated for 5 years before that. My husband struggled with porn and I had no idea for a long time. Since we didn’t live together or spend nights together while we were dating I really had no clue. I found out because after a church service we were at together about a year or so before we got married he sat me down and admitted that he had a problem. He knew that the only way for him to be able to stop would be for him to come clean to me. He still struggled for a while but we made it through it. It takes time. When he first told me my feelings were hurt. I told him this and he felt very bad.
Your husband will not stop unless he has help and is willing to make an effort. The biggest question is: Is he a Christian? If he is pray with him and be a support. Counseling can help but God is the ultimate in helping solve problems. If he is not ask him to go with you to church, talk to him about your beliefs just, whatever you do, don’t badger him about it.
As for the ex, you have to tell him that you know that the two of them have been communicating and it makes you uncomfortable because they have a past romantic relationship and he is your husband. It’s ok for him to have friends but when it comes to him being friends with girls you should always be involved with those conversations. If anything it helps avoids the appearance of anything going on.
I hope this helps. I will pray for you.
_____________________________
Jessica
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 10/27/2008 11:48:21 PM
|
|
|
jaimestarcross
Posts: 765
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
|
Focus on the family website has resources/helps
for people/couples struggling with porn.
Here's the link:
http://family.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=439
(copy & paste it in your search bar window)
*Focus has a staff of more than twenty licensed Christian counselors available to talk with you. To speak with one of them, please call (800) 232-6459 Monday-Friday 8-4:30 (Mountain time), and ask for the Counseling department. One of the counselors' assistants will arrange for a counselor to call you back at no charge to you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 10/29/2008 2:25:04 PM
|
|
|
seagullplayer
Posts: 117
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
|
Talk to your Pastor about it.
Sounds like you both have some issues to work on.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
THE WAY.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 11/3/2008 8:02:58 PM
|
|
|
jtnwdc
Posts: 4
Joined: 3/23/2006
Status: offline
|
Hi Nicole,
Well, I never used to buy into the phrase ex-alcoholics used, "Hi, I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in ten years." I'm sexually addicted to pornography and by the grace of God, the power of His word, and the keen guidance of one of His Christian counsellors I've been clean from the pornographic lifestyle since 2004.
The suggested book entitled "Every Man's Battle" is very good and gives some great nuts and bolts understandings about men and women. Please have your hubby take a look at it (you too?). Also of GREAT help when I was in counselling was Neil T. Anderson's book, "The Bondage Breaker"...it is very effective in employing God's word into the thought process.
Looking at pornography begins with a thought process...if you break those thoughts and temptations with the greater power of God's word you CAN BE FREE. Lazy men can't change. Fleshly men can't change. Active, sincere, urgent men who need God CAN change. Believe it. God's word framed creation...it can certainly clean your mind, one thought, one moment, one hour, one day, one week, one season at a time, just like every other victory in Christ.
"...if you CONTINUE in my word, you shall know the truth; and the truth shall MAKE you free." It's a process of freedom, a making and a continuing.
And I have my fights, still. But I was also once a smoker, and while quitting I could not believe that there would ever be a time when I wouldn't want a cigarette. What a deception! I never think about smoking.
Pornography, wandering eyes and thoughts are not men's issues. They are flesh issues. The flesh doesn't want to be converted to God's word, or His desires. But it will. Be of GOOD COURAGE!!
When your husband realilzes he can't make this happen by the force of his own will, or yours, get help. I didn't believe in Christian counsellors either! The books work better with professional help involved.
This is one of the really good fights that we fight!
Victory is sure. It's His victory. We are blessed partakers of His overcoming. He continues to overcome in us.
Happy to continue this conversation if profitable...we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. Here's to strength, not shame! ARISE!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Porn & Ex - and I'm discouraged - 11/10/2008 3:50:22 PM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1879
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
wow - a lot of issues here...
1. Communication
2. Trust
3. Each person's relationship with God...which should actually be number 1.
You never really mentioned God, your relationship with Him, your husband's relationship with Him...both prior to the marriage and now...
Where are you both in your relationship with the Lord right now would be my biggest question...and then the next question would be is there a pastor at your local church you both could counsel with? You have got to learn how to communicate...I don't know how any marriage can survive without communication.
Arguing about something "small" is not normal and is not God's will for your marriage.
As a side note his addiction to porn has NOTHING to do with how often the two of you may or may not have sex. In fact it has nothing to do with you period. It is HIS addiction and from what you said it is a habit passed down throughout his family. Until he comes to the realization he needs to be set free from that addiction about the only thing you can do is pray and set your own personal boundaries.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
