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Introverted/Socially Awkward tween--need advice! - 11/2/2009 2:13:36 PM
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cmom4
Posts: 7
Joined: 11/2/2009
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I need advice badly. I am really suffering over this and need words of wisdom from someone who knows just what I am dealing with!
I homeschool our 4 children--always have. Our eldest is an 11 1/2 yr old girl, Mary, who has always been 'quiet'...not really shy...I guess 'introverted' would be a good description. She thrives on family time and time alone in her room. This is fine with us, but not always practical.
We live in the country with no other homeschoolers around us but belong to a wonderful hs group.
Mary has a good friend, Emma, who she has known for four years and is close to. However, practically every time the two get together Mary has to 'warm up' all over again. She seems always unsure of herself, how to begin conversations or how to be a considerate friend (she does not do anything deliberately inconsiderate though). Mary does have fun with Emma and truly likes her. The problem is compounded if Emma is at our house and Mary is the one 'in charge' of doing the entertaining or hostessing. Also, if there are other girls in the group the problem is also present. Mary doesn't have any other friends really--no one she knows well at least. She is involved in sports (with public school kids who she doesn't know), takes private music lessons and is in a book club and faith based group within our hs group. She sees the same kids at these functions, but it's always a group activity so she shrinks in these social situations. Yet she has fun at them and usually looks forward to them but without engaging in conversations with kids (other than Emma but Emma is outgoing and will leave Mary to talk with other friends too.)
Mary will straggle behind a group of girls walking together (Emma & others) instead of joining them. I tell her to go up with her 'friends' but really I know she only knows one of them and it's unfair of me to 'force' her to hang out with them when she is uncomfortable.
I do not want to compound her feelings by telling her how she should act and generally I don't think there is anything "wrong" with Mary, but I would like her to be comfortable with herself enough to be comfortable with one or two good friends. She does not talk about her inward feelings---if I brought up a subject about how she felt in a certain situation she wouldn't divulge such private emotions with me.
I was also this way through most of my life and hated it and the way I was sometimes taken advantage of it by others because of my quietness.
I love Mary for who she is; but it is understandable that I want her to be self confident. She is completely herself and goofy, funny, interesting around all of her 11 cousins. Oh, and she is perfectly at ease talking with any child younger than herself (girls and boys).
I would love advice, recommendations of books that I could read or read along with Mary to boost self confidence. Granted, this is a difficult age for social situations but Mary has always been this way.
I am praying hard for the Lord to send her a good friend or to help her overcome her awkwardness/lack of confidence. Her friend Emma is seeming to become tired of not knowing what Mary feels of her. Imagine having a friend you need to draw out of a shell each time...I can understand (even though it makes me sad) that Emma will soon begin to feel that Mary is not fun, too much work or uninterested in her.
Living 30 min from the nearest hs family in our group complicates things. I am not looking for a mom to hang out with while our kids visit but I do not just drop my kids off at houses of families I don't know very well.
 Anyone else dealing or have already dealt with this??? I am sorry this is so long!
Thank you and God bless!
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RE: Introverted/Socially Awkward tween--need advice! - 11/3/2009 11:59:31 AM
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shadowspring
Posts: 620
Joined: 5/27/2006
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Oh boy, I was hoping someone else would answer. However I do have experience in this area, so I will share with you my experience. I wouldn't dare presume to advise you though! 
Here is my experience with a very introverted daughter.
For most of the younger years, my daughter was really content to be alone. She is very artistic and would spend hours on elaborate art projects. She was an early reader and would spend hours reading. She is very imaginative and would spend hours playing with her duplos, stuffed animals, and other toys.
I would try and set up play times and play dates with other families. Some were successful, some were not.
When she reached late elementary grades, I kept encouraging her to join the home school troop of Girl Scouts. She resisted the idea for about a year. Finally one day she asked to go check it out.
Girl Scouts was a great experience for a long time! It was perfect for an introverted child and I'll tell you why. When you see the reasons, you will get that it could just as easily be a Sunday school class, Bible club, etc.
1) the same people were in the same room together for several hours each week. Introverts need time to warm up to people and feel safe with them.
2) the focus was on the instructor until it was time to do projects. The introvert is not the center of attention until/unless they feel comfortable with it: like raising your hand to answer a question or volunteer
3) there was always a common task going on that required teamwork. The introvert is required to participate along with everyone else, but there is not much pressure on any one member of the group. The focus is on the activity.
4) the opportunities for camping, service projects, etc. create a social life for the intovert. The introverted child doesn't have to throw a party or try to entertain in order to join the group for fun. Then she can learn by being part of the planning committee how to do this for herself one day.
Girl Scouts was really awesome for my introverted daughter for a long time. Eventually the catty middle school gossip junk crept into the group (it's an inevitable part of life) and the experience soured. Still that too is part of learning to get along with people. Forgiveness and moving on are things we all have to learn about eventually.
Later my daughter was part of a mime troupe at our church, a great ministry for an introvert. Puppet ministry is also good for introverts.  It seem my daughter still needs a group to join in order to make friends and have a social life, and now she's in college. I am glad she is choosing groups that are worth her time these days- Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship and the Air Force ROTC.
So I guess I do have advice: look for something with the four characteristics above for your daughter to participate with: Girl Scouts? AWANA? Y-Leadership clubs?
And the only other advice you are already following: love her lavishly and pray without ceasing! 
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Introverted/Socially Awkward tween--need advice! - 11/3/2009 12:47:31 PM
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his_chosen
Posts: 1299
Joined: 4/11/2005
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That sounds much like ds1. He is 17yo and has never had any real friends. Not that he's anti-social. He prefers to be by himself. He does do fine in social situations. He's a youth leader in the middle school ministry and interacts well with the leaders. He volunteered at the Columbus Marathon finish line. I gave the coordinator the heads up that ds1 is a bit shy, but a very good worker. They were impressed with him, that he stuck around and worked the entire time (other high school kids earning CS points only stuck around for a few hours).
Ds1 did a 3 week bicycle tour this past summer. The only person he knew was his cousin. However, his cousin isn't a very nice person and they didn't spend much time together. Ds1 had fun during the day, riding and goofing off with the "burner" group (fast guys!). During the down time, ds1 tended to be a loner. He was on the "Good Wrench" team (mechanical), and worked well with them. The leaders were concerned that ds1 wasn't having a good time since he was such a loner. Nope! For English we are working on editing his journal from the trip. It's very much "factual"--he was in such and such group, they rode from here to there, averaged such and such pace. Oh, and the goofing off that they did. Also, as we ride together, he continues to tell me stories. So he did have a good time, the most enjoyable was while they were out doing things.
With ds1 I don't think it's a lack of confidence thing. He decided he wanted to do bicycle racing this season. He could have raced either Junior (18 and younger) or Catagory 5 (any age, no points earned). He chose to race Cat5 because there were no other Jrs. He wanted to know how he stacked up against other racers, not just place because there were no other Jrs. Same goes for moving from Duathlon to Triathlon. Last season there were only 2 in his age group in Duathlon, so he placed 2nd in every race. He learned how to swim so he could race against others in his age group as there are more triathletes than duathletes.
My other three boys are very social. I no longer answer the phone or door because it's never for me. Our house has become the hang out, which is fine with me! Ds1 will sometimes hang out with the other kids. He's just as content to be alone in his room reading.
Long way of saying, I think it's just a personality thing.
_____________________________
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: Introverted/Socially Awkward tween--need advice! - 11/4/2009 10:59:22 AM
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sen10tious
Posts: 232
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Don't be afraid to discuss this with her sports coaches or the person who oversees the book club. Getting kids to engage socially is part of their job. (Or you could volunteer to start or lead a group.)
She will be 12 by next summer. Consider looking for a sleep-over camp where she can learn to be independent in a comparatively safe environment. This can work wonders in building confidence.
But the bottom line will be drawn by how much she feels the need. If this is a desire of hers, show her your support by giving her a book about making friends, do a month-long "Friends" Bible study with all four children as part of your family homeschool, and don't saddle her with too much drama of what you went through as a kid.
< Message edited by sen10tious -- 11/4/2009 11:05:30 AM >
_____________________________
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RE: Introverted/Socially Awkward tween--need advice! - 11/5/2009 9:45:21 AM
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TXRedhead
Posts: 156
Joined: 4/28/2009
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Have you ever looked into martial arts to help build her confidence? My daughter was very shy before she started karate. If people talked to her, she'd push her little brother in front of her and stand behind him and let him do the talking. She wouldn't really look people in the face when they said things to her.
Now, over a year since we started karate, she looks people in the face when they talk to her. She even initiates conversations. She walked right up to a young boy visiting our church, held out her hand, and introduced herself...all on her own. That was huge.
As they advance to higher belts, my kids are put in positions where they must mentor lower belts. This actually starts pretty quickly as gold belts outrank white belts and so assume a position of leadership even in the beginning classes. They have to look the instructor in the face when they talk to him, and they have to speak loudly and clearly when they respond to him.
Another homeschool friend of mine has a young son who was also VERY shy. The change I've seen in him since starting about six months ago has been amazing. He's still a bit shy, but you can see him coming out of his shell more.
Anyway, it's just an idea to look into for your daughter as it really has made a difference for them in terms of confidence building.
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