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In law troubles - 12/2/2008 6:14:24 PM
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032303
Posts: 3
Joined: 12/2/2008
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My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half. His family drives me crazy...especially his mother. I would tell stories, but honestly I'd be here typing for awhile. It seems that the ONLY thing we ever argue about is his family, and I'm sick of it. I don't know what to do, because I try to go to his family stuff, but something always happens that makes me mad. He doesn't realize how his family can be because he's so used to it!! He gets really angry and sometimes swears at me, and that is NOT okay. I feel that Satan is working overtime to pull us apart...
If this is how the rest of my marriage is going to be, FORGET IT. I realize that it's not biblically right to get a divorce over such a seemingly petty thing, but I don't want our kids to grow up with all the arguing either. Does God really want us to be unhappy in our marriages?? I don't think so. What should I do?
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 6:20:28 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1095
Joined: 4/29/2005
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Is there any chance that you could manage yourself so that these situations don't infuriate you? Or that you could take your frustrations to someone other that your husband when you need to express them? Or simply spend less time with the in laws?
They might be terrible, but there is no sense in ruining your own family life simply because you need to talk about how terrible they are.
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 6:35:39 PM
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032303
Posts: 3
Joined: 12/2/2008
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Well see, I've always been a big believer in honesty in a marriage...maybe to a fault?? I feel like if I can't be honest with my husband about what's bothering me, than who can I be honest with? I've tried spending less time with them, but then he gets mad at me about that too! I'm stuck. I truly believe that God is the only one that can fix this.
I also forgot to mention that I am 5 mo. pregnant and my mother in law is wanting to butt into all of my nursery planning. I know that she actually means well, but I don't want her around any more than she has to be. I have also asked him to please tell her in a nice way that I won't be needing her help, but he won't because he doesn't see a problem with it. UGH!
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 6:52:27 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Is there any chance that you could manage yourself so that these situations don't infuriate you? Or that you could take your frustrations to someone other that your husband when you need to express them? Or simply spend less time with the in laws?
They might be terrible, but there is no sense in ruining your own family life simply because you need to talk about how terrible they are.
Good advice. With all due respect to your hormonal state, you probably need to calm down. If your MIL's big issue is butting in on your nursery planning, consider yourself lucky. My in-laws are a nightmare and I've heard lots of stories worse than yours and even mine.
Brutal honesty can definitely go too far sometimes, yes, even in marriage. The reality is that they're his family and you're going to have to learn to cope. You said the only hope is for God to fix it. Well I can pretty much promise you the in-laws wont change. And any time I've gone to God to say that someone else (even/especially dh) needs to be "fixed", He invariably only wants to talk about how to fix me. That's just the way it works.
In laws are rarely perfect and wonderful and fun to be around. Especially in the beginning (especially when they - MILs get whigged out when the first baby's coming). The thing is, you're really going to have to find your boundaries but then learn to deal with the situation and not take it out on your dh or make it that much harder for him...not that he's right to lay into you but you can mitigate his frustration by controlling your own expecations and reactions. My MIL and I have nothing in common! I even take issue with how she raised dh so you can't even really say we have him in common. She and I will never be close - oil and water but I certainly wouldn't let her ruffle my feathers.
It might even go a long way if you'd at least be cordial and humor her a bit about the nursery. Is this her first grandchild? Whether it is or it's not, telling him to tell her "in a nice way" to butt out is not exactly how to win friends. Whether he has a problem with her helping or giving input or not is irrelevant to the issue I have (for whatever it's worth) with being rude about it - even "in a nice way".
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 7:03:34 PM
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032303
Posts: 3
Joined: 12/2/2008
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Thanks for the advice, you two. And believe me, this baby stuff isn't the first or biggest thing, it just so happens to be the current annoyance. And yes, this is her first Grandchild and we even gave her a couple of projects to do FOR the nursery so that she wouldn't have to be around that much, but she STILL insists on it.
I guess my biggest issue is this: if my husband is going to treat me so poorly over an argument about his family, then why should I stay with someone like that?! It doesn't make any sense. I don't want my little baby growing up hearing such disrespect like that. That is NOT how husbands/wives should talk to each other. It's not how God intended it to be, so I feel like there's no use in holding on if he's not going to change how he is when he gets angry.
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 7:40:38 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I hope your projects weren't to get rid of her...the baby's not even here yet, she's waited for this for a long time too - she's going to be around a LOT when the baby comes, get used to it. And learn to deal with it. Baby's need grandmas! Unless she's a drunk or nutjob, don't ruin the excitement of the first grandbaby or her doting on the baby when it comes. Give her that even if you have to bite your tongue sometimes. It's really not worth making an issue....
....proof that it's not worth it - what it's doing to you and dh! Why should you stay with someone like that??? Because you married him!! You don't want your baby growing up hearing "disrespect" (I hate that word) but you're not terribly respectful about your MIL - and you're kinda expected by God Himself to honor her - and so is your dh. Don't make that hard on him. Does he need an attitude check, probably - but you probably both do and it wont be the last in the course of your marriage and this certainly wont be your biggest issue or disagreement!! You've not indicated that she's trying to run your lives, butt in, or belittle you in any way. Cut her some slack and count your blessings that she cares.
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 8:00:21 PM
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CherishedbyGod
Posts: 2279
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
this certainly wont be your biggest issue or disagreement!! You've not indicated that she's trying to run your lives, butt in, or belittle you in any way.
This is not necessarly true! A mother-in-law can destroy a marriage.
032303...You two need to run to get some Biblical counsel. This does not sound good...
My heart goes out to you 
_____________________________
~I would love for you to come and learn about Jesus of Nazareth with me in the Writer's Roundtable Folder~
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 8:23:14 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CherishedbyGod
This is not necessarly true! A mother-in-law can destroy a marriage.
Only if you let her.
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RE: In law troubles - 12/2/2008 9:05:00 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1095
Joined: 4/29/2005
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quote:
I guess my biggest issue is this: if my husband is going to treat me so poorly over an argument about his family, then why should I stay with someone like that?! It doesn't make any sense. I don't want my little baby growing up hearing such disrespect like that. That is NOT how husbands/wives should talk to each other. It's not how God intended it to be, so I feel like there's no use in holding on if he's not going to change how he is when he gets angry. So, you don't have an in-law problem. You have a problem with your husband lashing out in anger. The happenstance that he often lashes out when you express unhappiness about his parents is just a sidelight. Uncontrolled anger is scary at the time, and scary long term... like finding out you are tied to someone with dynamite strapped to his chest. Your life will never seem secure to you until you believe your man is capable of controlling his anger and willing to do so -- no matter what the issue is. And to have that magnified by your super-mama-bear pregnancy feelings must be really overwhelming.
So, "Why?"
1) You stay because he is generally a good guy and usually has a reasonable grip on his anger, and he's just starting this marriage thing, so he gets some slack while he's learning. (Is that right? Or is his anger frequent, with him making no effort to manage it?)
2) You stay because you have hope for him in the long-term overcoming this difficulty.
3) You stay because you love him deeply, and the two of you need each other -- even if your definitely need each other to do better.
4) You stay because you said that "for worse" would be OK with you, and you keep your word.
5) You stay because God establishes families for the sake of the children, and your baby deserves your best effort.
6) You stat because it is not your job to make sure that your husband gets his the punishment he deserves for having been rotten to you.
What you can do:
1) Quit with the "honesty" that is going to put your baby into a custody battle before he/she ever leaves your body. Honesty is nice, and important too, but spewing out your conflict about the woman who raised him and formed his character, whom he loved with an infant's whole-hearted-ness... that's not wise. "A foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands." You can be honest with God, and with one trustworthy, female non-family-member. You might also try journaling.
This is simply a sacrifice you make because you'd rather have the satisfaction of being happily married for 50 years than have the satisfaction of getting your frustrations off your chest. If this is really his only out-of-control reactive issue, then you've solved your relationship problem more than half way. You've become his helper with his anger problem, rather than his prosecutor.
2) That's not to say he shouldn't face his anger and choose to deal with it, as his choice for the good of his marriage. After a cooling time, at a calm moment, speak to him, saying, "Remember that fight we had last time about your parents? Some of the things you said/did hurt me deeply, and I was frightened of you. You seemed so out of control, like you could do anything, like you had forgotten you love me. It made me forget that you love me. I hated how that fight went, and I hated how it turned out. Can we talk about how to help me feel safe and loved? Can we make a plan so it doesn't happen any more?"
Try to lead him to seek counsel, or even just read a book or something. Anything that says he knows he's got something to work on... but it's his business to work on it, in his own time and his own way.
3) Forgive him. Completely. From the heart.
4) Manage your own relationship with your in laws -- don't ask him to carry messages or talk through your issues with them. Learn to speak for yourself, even if they perceive you as a little rude. Teach them that you are in charge of your time, your body, your nursery and your child -- and if they want to be welcomed, they need to conduct themselves in such a way as to not rub you wrongly.
Practice phrases like, "Thanks anyways, but I've got that managed." -- "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in doing that." -- "I have other plans." -- "I don't like it when you talk to me like that." -- "It's time to be going." -- "Have a good day." -- "No, thank you." -- "Please excuse me." -- "I disagree." -- "Oh? I see." -- "That's not something I want." -- "That's not the way I plan to do it." -- "I've already decided about that." -- "Yes, I've been hearing a lot of different ideas about that. It's something I have to decide about." (They will get the picture, trust me... and you don't have to be involved with them much yourself as your child's grandparents, just smile and do your own thing while they are around, or drop-and-go if you trust them to abide by your preferences.)
This may upset your husband to see, but it will be better than him having to be directly involved, and most of those phrases you can pull off with a reasonable degree of sweetness. If they try to make him play referee, apologize to him and tell him that you don't want him to have to be in the middle, and that it's OK with you if they are upset with you from time to time -- as long as he isn't going to attack you for doing the best you can with them.
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RE: In law troubles - 12/3/2008 10:19:05 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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i'd want to have my mother-in-law as an ally - especially with her being so close. both of my daughter's grandparents are local and involved in her life and this is such an amazing blessing both for my daughter and parents. everyone i speak with is envious that they are active and like helping out as it frees up parents for date nights. none of this unreliable babysitter or trust issues to work through.
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RE: In law troubles - 12/3/2008 2:07:20 PM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline
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032303,
When I read your post it reminded me of me. My husband is an ONLY child to a single mom. She has borderline-personality. This means that she stuggles with attachment issues. She wants to hold you close and then she wants to push you away. My husband and Her started having issues before he even left home to go to the navy. Before he even met me. But when we met and married, it was just another reason for her to feel angry and upset that he moved away from home and "left her." In other words, she didn't expect him to leave and cleave to his wife.
I would be on pins and needles around her, because you never knew what would set her off. My husband would try to talk to her when she was depressed, but to no avail. I would try to talk to her when she was depressed, but it didn't do any good. It only kept the attention on her and her needs the whole time. It's like our marriage included three people. Then the next morning, she would wake up cheerful; like nothing ever happened. After each visit, we would be drained. But the difference is that my husband would set boundaries with her and tell her, for example, not to bad mouth about me to him. When she yelled or blamed me for something (or him for that matter) he would protect me if I was right and we would apologize if we were wrong to her or neglected her feelings.
It seems to me that when your husband attacks you for your attitude, it hurts you because you feel that he is taking sides with his family. That he is choosing his mother over you. His mother seems to have a lot of power in his life still. You sense this, and you are threatened by it. You want to be #1. Believe me, I am an oldest child and so is my mother-in-law. So we were like two bucks charging at each other. When I first got married we moved closer to his family (though not in the same city, or it would have been harder) than mine. I saw them often. It was overwhelming, because they were all very strong personalities (my MIL had 3 other sisters and they all look alike too). I felt like I was on another planet and I resented that a little. I was the peon on the totum pole.
So, I began to prepare myself before each visit, because my mind was renewed during this time. What I would do is have three women praying for me days before my visit. I would pray about having a servant attitude because I was in this family for a reason. And I had to learn to detach emotionally from the looks and side comments. Now, this took about seven years to kick in. Ask the Lord what he wants YOU to do before trying to fix anyone.
My MIL really mellowed out once we had kids (after the first 5 years of marriage). I think she knows that I love her son and she has accepted (to a point) that he has to live his life and he is happy with me (married now 14 years). She has more respect for me because she knows that because the kids are born (her only grandchildren) she and I will always be linked. She has seen me try to be a christian mom and wife and she admires that and tells me that all the time. Believe me, it can seem that you can never move forward. That is the lie of Satan. A soft answer can turn away wrath as Proverbs says. You can even find a non-conflict time to talk to your husband or have a godly man talk to him. He married you and should live with you in an understanding way. I think if you knew that he understood you, it would help you to be more calm. Get this, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! ! ! ! Your anger is just a way for you to say that you need him. His anger is more likely frustration because he is torn in the middle and is feeling a pull between his wife and his identity with his family. I have been on that side too: caught in the middle between my family's needs and my husband's. This was back in my home town at the very beginning of my marriage. But I was a newlewed and didn't put my husband's needs first.
If she comes over too frequently then you (preferably your husband) can voice that to his family. Believe me, confrontation is best received when it comes from the family member in the marriage. Tell them to call first. I kept being the nice DIL and not saying no, because I wanted to give this illusion that we are all ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY. But, life is busy and there should be respect. And, if you never ask for it, but wait for someone to give it anyway, it may never come. You DON'T have to answer your phone everytime it rings. Even though you know that THEY know that you are home. IT is your home and you are trying to build it.
But God really did change my relationship with my mother-in-law. And I never thought that I could say that I thank God for her. Because of her, I have had to depend on God for wisdom and guidance. And every situation I had to pray again (every decision my husband and I made she would have something to say about it like she was our priest). So there was no cookie cutter/across the board way of relating to my MIL. We had to pray through every step: How long has it been since her last visit? How long should she stay? What is going on in our schedule? What is our energy level like? What is her energy level like? What has she been going through recently? How will we spend our time with her? How can we show her a good time? ....And on And on And on.
With kids running around, she gets tired more easily and she also knows that we don't argue and yell around our kids. If we didn't before her visit, she is not going to bring that into our house. I determined that our house would be a house of peace and not clamour. I know that this is long, but I really hope my past experiences will help you as you sort this out. Please don't leave your husband. Try a long talk over a nice dinner, or counseling with a brother in Christ or a licensed counselor. I bet your hubby can't see the forest for the trees. I will pray for you, sweetie. Because I know how it feels to have such a giant in your life. To feel hopeless and in despair. But God won't put more on you than you can bear. And where He placed you, He can KEEP you.
Order this book: I have read Boundaries by Henry Cloud but I was even more blessed by this book: Foolproofing Your Life by Jan Silvious
God bless!
Rozcraft
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RE: In law troubles - 12/3/2008 2:26:32 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I only want to add quickly that my mother and dh didn't get along great in the beginning of our marriage. She was just unduly hard on him sometimes. When dd was born she was beside herself though. She came over about every weekend - she lived an hour and a half away and my dad travelled a lot (most weekends). One day my dh casually asked me if she was going to be coming over every weekend...a few days later she died in a car accident. Not to be dramatic or invoke sympathy but I'd like to point out that grandmothers are important and that we feel, every day, the loss of what my kids will never know. Just wanted to be on the record (again) urging a little patience with the grandmother-to-be.
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RE: In law troubles - 12/3/2008 2:33:25 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
quote:
I guess my biggest issue is this: if my husband is going to treat me so poorly over an argument about his family, then why should I stay with someone like that?! It doesn't make any sense. I don't want my little baby growing up hearing such disrespect like that. That is NOT how husbands/wives should talk to each other. It's not how God intended it to be, so I feel like there's no use in holding on if he's not going to change how he is when he gets angry. So, you don't have an in-law problem. You have a problem with your husband lashing out in anger. The happenstance that he often lashes out when you express unhappiness about his parents is just a sidelight. Uncontrolled anger is scary at the time, and scary long term... like finding out you are tied to someone with dynamite strapped to his chest. Your life will never seem secure to you until you believe your man is capable of controlling his anger and willing to do so -- no matter what the issue is. And to have that magnified by your super-mama-bear pregnancy feelings must be really overwhelming.
So, "Why?"
1) You stay because he is generally a good guy and usually has a reasonable grip on his anger, and he's just starting this marriage thing, so he gets some slack while he's learning. (Is that right? Or is his anger frequent, with him making no effort to manage it?)
2) You stay because you have hope for him in the long-term overcoming this difficulty.
3) You stay because you love him deeply, and the two of you need each other -- even if your definitely need each other to do better.
4) You stay because you said that "for worse" would be OK with you, and you keep your word.
5) You stay because God establishes families for the sake of the children, and your baby deserves your best effort.
6) You stat because it is not your job to make sure that your husband gets his the punishment he deserves for having been rotten to you.
What you can do:
1) Quit with the "honesty" that is going to put your baby into a custody battle before he/she ever leaves your body. Honesty is nice, and important too, but spewing out your conflict about the woman who raised him and formed his character, whom he loved with an infant's whole-hearted-ness... that's not wise. "A foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands." You can be honest with God, and with one trustworthy, female non-family-member. You might also try journaling.
This is simply a sacrifice you make because you'd rather have the satisfaction of being happily married for 50 years than have the satisfaction of getting your frustrations off your chest. If this is really his only out-of-control reactive issue, then you've solved your relationship problem more than half way. You've become his helper with his anger problem, rather than his prosecutor.
2) That's not to say he shouldn't face his anger and choose to deal with it, as his choice for the good of his marriage. After a cooling time, at a calm moment, speak to him, saying, "Remember that fight we had last time about your parents? Some of the things you said/did hurt me deeply, and I was frightened of you. You seemed so out of control, like you could do anything, like you had forgotten you love me. It made me forget that you love me. I hated how that fight went, and I hated how it turned out. Can we talk about how to help me feel safe and loved? Can we make a plan so it doesn't happen any more?"
Try to lead him to seek counsel, or even just read a book or something. Anything that says he knows he's got something to work on... but it's his business to work on it, in his own time and his own way.
3) Forgive him. Completely. From the heart.
4) Manage your own relationship with your in laws -- don't ask him to carry messages or talk through your issues with them. Learn to speak for yourself, even if they perceive you as a little rude. Teach them that you are in charge of your time, your body, your nursery and your child -- and if they want to be welcomed, they need to conduct themselves in such a way as to not rub you wrongly.
Practice phrases like, "Thanks anyways, but I've got that managed." -- "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in doing that." -- "I have other plans." -- "I don't like it when you talk to me like that." -- "It's time to be going." -- "Have a good day." -- "No, thank you." -- "Please excuse me." -- "I disagree." -- "Oh? I see." -- "That's not something I want." -- "That's not the way I plan to do it." -- "I've already decided about that." -- "Yes, I've been hearing a lot of different ideas about that. It's something I have to decide about." (They will get the picture, trust me... and you don't have to be involved with them much yourself as your child's grandparents, just smile and do your own thing while they are around, or drop-and-go if you trust them to abide by your preferences.)
This may upset your husband to see, but it will be better than him having to be directly involved, and most of those phrases you can pull off with a reasonable degree of sweetness. If they try to make him play referee, apologize to him and tell him that you don't want him to have to be in the middle, and that it's OK with you if they are upset with you from time to time -- as long as he isn't going to attack you for doing the best you can with them.
Super post.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: In law troubles - 12/3/2008 4:49:51 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
Super post.
i'd have to add that some of the advice given be reflected to OP as well to see if they share some of those attributes assumed to be on the husband ... judging from the tones in your posts 03 your posts sound full of anger as well. i'm not sure of what you mean by he gets really angry but certainly swearing at you is never acceptable. if your husband raises his voice at you, do you raise it back or attempt to diffuse situation? do you ever raise your voice at him. it seems like there is more of a communication problem with you and your husband that supercedes any inlaw trouble. please don't think i'm accusing you or trying to make you feel bad, but i don't think it's productive to always blame the other spouse for everything wrong in a marriage. usually there are things each spouse can work on to improve themselves and thus the marriage.
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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