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I need some advice - 11/22/2008 7:14:25 PM
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mssnuggles
Posts: 1
Joined: 11/22/2008
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I am engaged to a young man and at first things were going find, but now it's getting to the point I am having second thoughts. For one, he has had it rough with women of his past and now he doesn't trust me and I have never given him a reason not to. He base our relationship on his past experiences. I have told him that he doesn't have to worry about that with me, but it doesn't help. Then I love God and serving him. I read and pray everyday, but he doesn't. He knows God, but he does nothing to serve him and then when things get hard, he'll say something like forget this religion thing, because it' not what it should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be by myself, but then I really want a God fearing man in my life.
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RE: I need some advice - 11/22/2008 7:58:52 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mssnuggles
I am engaged to a young man and at first things were going find, but now it's getting to the point I am having second thoughts. For one, he has had it rough with women of his past and now he doesn't trust me and I have never given him a reason not to. He base our relationship on his past experiences.
Yikes! Then he might possibly treat you in marriage like he would like to treat those women. This is not living in reality but a false world, and it doesn't look like happy ever after to me at all.
quote:
I have told him that he doesn't have to worry about that with me, but it doesn't help.
Sounds like he's listening more to the rage in his head than to you.
quote:
Then I love God and serving him. I read and pray everyday, but he doesn't. He knows God, but he does nothing to serve him and then when things get hard, he'll say something like forget this religion thing, because it' not what it should be.
So if you marry him and things get tough (they always do; that's just life) he's going to turn away from God and insist that you do, too. He doesn't believe in having a relationship with God or turning to God in trouble or living by God's precepts/laws.
This man will come between you and God. You eventually will have to choose to follow God or him, because you won't be able to have it both ways. This is a man who is walking away from God and wants you to, too. This would be unequally yoked:
Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?
2 Corinthians 6:14
quote:
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be by myself, but then I really want a God fearing man in my life.
If you want a God-fearing man then you must refuse any man who isn't one. You can't have two husbands. If you really want one, then you'll have to wait until one asks you to marry him. If you care more about being alone than having a God-fearing man I guess you have a man already. Your choice will tell you what is most important to you.
The choice is hard because you lose something either way: either you lose a man who doesn't fear the Lord or you lose being married right away. Will you pay the price and wait for a godly man?
Let me ask you a question, and you don't have to answer me but just yourself: are you guys at all physically involved? If so, you've bonded yourself inappropriately (see 1 Cor. 7: 1,2) and you'd have to rip those roots out to break up with him. But not to do so is to continue towards marrying a man who has proven to not be a man of faith. Being unequally yoked is a situation Christians are commanded by God not to do.
It might help you to draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and write "for" and "against" over the two columns. Then on the side write "if we get married" and "if I wait for a God-fearing man" and work out the biblical principles (like unequal yoking) and practical consequences for all of it. It will help you to see clearly what the choices are and what you're dealing with.
Fifty years of living with a man who wants you to walk away from God and isn't obeying God's rule for husbands to love their wives might not be good to you.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, dear one. Please look at the first 5 verses of Proverbs 6 - a person who has made a pledge and realizes it's a bad deal because they've put their welfare in the hands of another person. It says son, but it can mean daughter, and you're God's daughter. See what God says to do.
I am praying for you tonight. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 1:17:16 AM
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AbbyGrace
Posts: 660
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mssnuggles
I am engaged to a young man and at first things were going find, but now it's getting to the point I am having second thoughts. For one, he has had it rough with women of his past and now he doesn't trust me and I have never given him a reason not to. He base our relationship on his past experiences. I have told him that he doesn't have to worry about that with me, but it doesn't help. Then I love God and serving him. I read and pray everyday, but he doesn't. He knows God, but he does nothing to serve him and then when things get hard, he'll say something like forget this religion thing, because it' not what it should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be by myself, but then I really want a God fearing man in my life.
Im not trying to be judgmental here, but how can one say, they know God, and then say, forget this religion stuff? That just doesnt make a whole lot of sense to me. And something that caught my attention, was you stating that you dont want to be alone, that should give you something to think about right there. Are you marrying him because you love him or are you filling a void?
_____________________________
Hebrews 12:14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." 
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 6:11:29 AM
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nevaehs_gaze
Posts: 353
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: United States
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Sounds like you have good reasons for having second thoughts!
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 8:08:04 AM
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agapetos
Posts: 5558
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From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
He knows God, but he does nothing to serve him and then when things get hard, he'll say something like forget this religion thing, because it' not what it should be. As Abby said, how can he know God if this is what he's saying?
I think you need to think very clearly about your future with this guy. Even though he has had a rough time with women before, he's engaged to you now ~ and you need to find out what that means to him. You both are going to need to work together in a marriage and love, trust and support each other and I can't help but wonder if he's going to be able to do that?
quote:
I don't want to be by myself, but then I really want a God fearing man in my life. So you're staying with this guy until a 'God-fearing man' comes along.
You say he doesn't trust you, but you've given him no reason for this. You have, because you're not wanting him the way he is. You want something more. You may think you're not giving reasons why he shouldn't trust you, but you are.
Again, and as others have said, think carefully about this relationship, not just for yourself, but for him. And when you've made your decision, be honest with him about exactly why you made it ~ this isn't just his fault.
_____________________________
I could give up chocolate ~ but I'm no quitter!
My blog
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 11:59:00 AM
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AbbyGrace
Posts: 660
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quote:
ORIGINAL: agapetos
quote:
He knows God, but he does nothing to serve him and then when things get hard, he'll say something like forget this religion thing, because it' not what it should be. As Abby said, how can he know God if this is what he's saying?
I think you need to think very clearly about your future with this guy. Even though he has had a rough time with women before, he's engaged to you now ~ and you need to find out what that means to him. You both are going to need to work together in a marriage and love, trust and support each other and I can't help but wonder if he's going to be able to do that?
quote:
I don't want to be by myself, but then I really want a God fearing man in my life. So you're staying with this guy until a 'God-fearing man' comes along.
You say he doesn't trust you, but you've given him no reason for this. You have, because you're not wanting him the way he is. You want something more. You may think you're not giving reasons why he shouldn't trust you, but you are.
Again, and as others have said, think carefully about this relationship, not just for yourself, but for him. And when you've made your decision, be honest with him about exactly why you made it ~ this isn't just his fault.
I agree 100% Marriage is a serious thing, its not suppose to be taken lightly....I would go to the Word of God, and study marriage and how God sees it, its very important that you have understanding on this. And this may sound harsh to you, but I dont mean for it to, so I apologize now, if it comes across that way, but if you are wanting a God fearing man, he isnt the one......a God fearing man does not say what you have quoted him on saying, I have never heard a man of God say anything like that. A God fearing man respects the Lord, serves and follows Him completely, we all slip and make mistakes, none of us are perfect, but i have never heard someone say forget this religion stuff, because it isnt religion stuff....its a relationship with our Lord. So I think that you have a lot to think about. Im praying for the both of you, but I think the most important thing to look at here, is not the decision you need to make, but its his salvation....someones salvation is always more important than the needs we "want" met. I hope you understand what Im saying.
_____________________________
Hebrews 12:14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord."
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 12:06:04 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AbbyGrace
A God fearing man respects the Lord, serves and follows Him completely, we all slip and make mistakes, none of us are perfect, but i have never heard someone say forget this religion stuff, because it isnt religion stuff....its a relationship with our Lord.
I think I can understand that, though. I think I've been that deceived and in that dark place a time or two myself. The only two explanations for saying something like that, though, are like you said - he doesn't really know the Lord at all and is just playing a game with religion...OR he's in a very dark desperate place spiritually and is under heavy spiritual attack - not at all in a position to be getting married or a spiritual battle anyone should want to marry into. I think, at the very least, he needs time with the Lord to get free from some things. Caution is definitely in order.
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 12:13:10 PM
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AbbyGrace
Posts: 660
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
quote:
ORIGINAL: AbbyGrace
A God fearing man respects the Lord, serves and follows Him completely, we all slip and make mistakes, none of us are perfect, but i have never heard someone say forget this religion stuff, because it isnt religion stuff....its a relationship with our Lord.
I think I can understand that, though. I think I've been that deceived and in that dark place a time or two myself. The only two explanations for saying something like that, though, are like you said - he doesn't really know the Lord at all and is just playing a game with religion...OR he's in a very dark desperate place spiritually and is under heavy spiritual attack - not at all in a position to be getting married or a spiritual battle anyone should want to marry into. I think, at the very least, he needs time with the Lord to get free from some things. Caution is definitely in order.
Yes, me too.....I have been under such a spiritual attack here lately that its been one that I often wonder if its ever going to end, but thats what the devil does best! But through it all, Im learning so much.....and I can honestly say, I can see where people would give up, because it isnt easy, but thats why we have to stay foucused, and live by what we know, and we have been given the promise that God will never leave us, and we dont serve a God who breaks His promises to us. So yes, I agree with you, I think this person needs time alone with the Lord, allow Him to draw him near. Salvation should always be the main priority in any and all cases.
_____________________________
Hebrews 12:14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord."
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 2:01:49 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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A teen down the street from me told a guy who'd asked her out, "No, I won't go out with you! I don't like your walk with God!"
Perhaps you need to tell your boyfriend, "No, I won't marry you! I only want a God-fearing man, and you're not it."
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 10:30:10 PM
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levimichal
Posts: 51
Joined: 10/9/2008
From: Christiansted, Virgin Islands live in Minneapolis
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He is not Christian. Tell him that you cannot marry him because he is not a Christian. God says not to yoke yourself with an unbeliever it will cause you a lot of grief if you do.
_____________________________
Levita Michal Ayala Goeloe
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RE: I need some advice - 11/23/2008 10:32:38 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 768
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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I would call off or postpone the engagement - he's not
mature in his faith walk and it's all ready causing
problems in your relationship.
Encourage him to get into a mentoring program at church
for those struggling in their faith or a program for new
believers. Perhaps a mature male Christian at church
can come along side him and mentor... hopefully your
boyfriend will be willing to grow in his faith.
*Pray for him!
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RE: I need some advice - 11/24/2008 8:13:22 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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Isn't this why God puts us together, though? To encourage and grow and build each other up? I'm just thinking about after my mom died, for example, if dh had stayed stagnant (or became cynical and rebellious like I did), so that we stayed perfectly "equally" yoked, we'd both be about nowhere right now. My relationship with the Lord isn't dependant on his and vice versa. We're meant to be growing and learning together but part of that learning might be coming across some bumps in the road. I think she needs to be honest about how this (the kind of comments she's quoted here, for instance) bothers her and worries her and why. And counselling may be in order but they should be seriously considering that as part of engagement anyway. But I don't recommend breaking off the engagement and telling him he's not a good enough Christian.
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RE: I need some advice - 11/24/2008 11:08:59 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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I can find several reasons in your post for not marrying this man.
1. His faith is based on "religion" not on a relationship with Jesus. You are not be equally yoked.
2. He doesn't trust you. That is plenty of reason not to marry him. You will spend your life trying to earn his trust and will never gain it.
3. He's basing or judging your relationship on his past relationships. You don't want those ghosts haunting your marriage.
4. You are holding on to this relationship because you don't want to be alone. Being alone is much better than being in an unhealthy relationship.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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