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I am lonely and need to make friends - 11/14/2008 11:23:18 PM
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twice_shy71
Posts: 7
Status: offline
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I am very lonely. I go to church and even have attended the prayer groups and bible studies. Everyone "knows" me, but I haven't really managed to forge any really close friendships. I mean, I guess two people have been to my house and one emails me sometimes every few weeks, but that's it. We see each other when there are church activities going on and people are warm and welcoming, but you know... I want to make more substantial friendships. People seem so busy though with work and families and things. I just. I'm so shy. Also I'm lower income than a lot of them so when I have had people over, I feel pretty humble They often host things in big fine houses, but I can only cram a few people in my tiny apartment comfortably at a time, so I hesitate to offer my home to one of their large prayer groups or something because their larger houses seem more suitable. I have a relative with a mental illness that's a little unpredictable and I worry about what he's going to do sometimes when people come over. I guess I feel different than other people. Most of the women in the women's group are older than me, married, and it's like they live in a different world sort of . I am so lonely though. I want a friend, you know a real friend. How do I take relationships that seem to just be on the surface and formal and move to build somethng deeper? YOu know what I'm saying?
I'm REALLY shy and awkward so it doesn't come natural for me. Any ideas would be great.
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RE: I am lonely and need to make friends - 11/15/2008 1:09:05 AM
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Annie64
Posts: 967
Joined: 6/4/2007
From: Indianapolis, IN
Status: offline
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I don't have any real answers for you, and I'm sorry about that. What I do have is sympathy. I've been there, and to a certain extent am still there, though I am married and have a family. I do wish for closer relationships with other women, though. Last Wednesday at Bible Study our pastor was talking about the need to reach out with love even to the people who drive you crazy and I was sitting there thinking, "What if you are the person who drives other people crazy?" But I knew what would happen if I expressed it. I would be told it's not true and people don't think that of me and not to say things like that. So I've learned not to say things like that. For the most part I don't think that way anymore (I'm 44 years old, and age has helped with that), but the fear that other people dislike me has long been a part of my life and still crops up every now and then and has had an extremely huge impact on my ability to make and keep friends. That wasn't the problem you described, but it has been mine, and the result is the same--loneliness. How have I dealt with it? A lot of prayer, for one thing. For another, I started thinking of my acquaintances as friends, and treating them as such. People do respond to that. You need people, but if people don't know they're needed, they have trouble getting beyond their own shyness to get to you. And do pray. Remember that God will supply all your need, and this promise does not only apply to material needs. How often over the years have I claimed that promise with regard to friendships! And He really does supply.
And by the way, welcome to the boards!
_____________________________
On Christ the solid rock I stand
ALL other ground is sinking sand.
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RE: I am lonely and need to make friends - 11/15/2008 9:59:22 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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Welcome, Twice_shy71!
I think this may surprise you, but most people are shy. There are a lot of lonely people in the middle of a crowd. Because we are all sinners, we're all wrecks in one way or another.
I'm shy but I hide behind a computer and that makes it easier. Surprisingly enough, I've been outspoken a lot and not one person has sent me hate mail (but now Ben probably will, just to say he did. I see you, Ben!  ). Not that I'm not irritating at times, but Christian people are often very kind and forgiving. It's helped me to grow and reach out.
1 Pet. 1:22 says we are commanded to love the brethren fervently. So we are ordered to do loving things for others and put their needs before our own. So look to see what you can do for others. A smile can make a person's day. Laughing at a person's joke says "I accept you." Open a door for someone heading towards it with fully-laden arms. Become an expert "giver" and be surprised what a difference it will make after a while.
Speak up at Bible studies if it's appropriate. Ask questions. Remember people's names, and if someone asks for prayer for their sick aunt, ask them the following week how the aunt is doing. And of course, pray for her.
Go to the pastor and explain your situation; he may be able to help in several ways. And have you considered asking an older, mature Christian woman to disciple you? You'll grow and probably become friends as well.
This will be hard to hear but I think it can really help you: stop saying you're shy. It's giving you a reason to stay back in the shadows and not get involved. Tell the truth to yourself and start saying you're trusting God and growing in Him and learning how to reach out. Then when you see a situation where you can help or bless, take a deep breath and step forward to help or speak a kindness. Take baby steps and notice no one is beating you up. Yay! It's a step of faith to fulfill the 1 Peter verse, and God will bless you.
May He expand your tent pegs and give you a bigger world!
Aside: I found when I first started stepping out, I had a two women say to me, "What are you doing here?" I think they were just surprised to see me and were as socially clumsy as I was. They meant no harm, I'm sure, but it made me want to run. I didn't, and things worked out in time. I forgive those women; they're hurting sinners, too. And they'd probably be horrified if they'd known they hurt me. Instead, it made me determined to never say that to anyone else because they might be scared, too.
God bless you, dear one! May this be the first day of an exciting new life as you trust God for a new area. May He give you good friends even as He is filling your heart with Himself. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: I am lonely and need to make friends - 11/15/2008 10:20:02 PM
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jaggie
Posts: 36
Joined: 11/6/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Annie64
Last Wednesday at Bible Study our pastor was talking about the need to reach out with love even to the people who drive you crazy and I was sitting there thinking, "What if you are the person who drives other people crazy?"
I recognized my ADHD self in that question, ha ha ha!
But seriously ... I am ADHD and I have some social impairment that comes with it. So I struggle with this same issue, being lonely and needing to make friends. The only thing that really helps me right now is that I have custody of my baby cousin and he's extremely cute so people feel compelled to come make faces at him like they do with cute babies. He's the only mixed-race child in the entire church so even if they don't know me, they know him.
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RE: I am lonely and need to make friends - 11/22/2008 7:44:51 PM
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anna5686
Posts: 5
Joined: 11/9/2008
Status: offline
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You don't say where you live. But here are a few suggestions. Does your church have small home groups that meet regularily? You may want to join one, and don't wait to be invited. You need to take the initiative.
Is there a university in your town? Are there any Internationals there? You might want to reach out and offer to teach English. Or just be a friend to a lonely student.
To have friends you must go where people are. And even though you are shy, you will need to step out and introduce yourself. Just, say "Hello, I'm (your name)!" Do you live close to here? You'll be surprised where that can take you. You will need to learn to offer to serve someone.
Go ahead!! Try it!!!
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