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Husband no longer in love with me - 11/4/2008 5:29:19 PM
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mfcf1994
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/4/2008
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Hello all, new here! I'll try to be brief. I've been married for almost 15 years, most of which have been wonderful. About a year ago my husband had an emotional affair but stopped it on his own and confessed to me. We were able to get through that. Well, the past several months he has been distant and cool. I confronted him and he said he just doesn't have the same feelings anymore and wasn't sure he wanted to stay in the marriage. I was floored. After several talks he has agreed to counseling. He now says he wants to make the marriage work. He is seeking counseling for himself because of what he calls "alot of mixed up things in his head." He is also very far away from God while I have been building my relationship with Him.
My questions is now what? While he goes through counseling, what can I do? I feel extremely needy and insecure and I can tell that bothers him. Any advice and/or prayer would help.
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/4/2008 8:01:00 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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What did you do to get past the affair when it happened? An affair, or any problem in marriage, is never all one person's fault - even if it's almost all one person's fault, there are still things the "innocent" party needs to deal with, work through, improve upon, and probably even apologize for. Yea, "needy and insecure" isn't going to help anything. You need to get a handle on you - what you have done or are doing to contribute to the affair and/or to his confusion now.
Why is he seeking counselling on his own? I can see why that might help but what about the both of you? There are two people in this deal and he's not the only one with work to do. I hate to sound like a broken record (in recent posts) but get "His Needs Her Needs" as a start, for sure!
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/5/2008 7:50:23 AM
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MisterTR
Posts: 65
Joined: 5/23/2008
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My wife and I read His Needs Her Needs together. And did counseling together. Now we are getting back to bible study and prayer together. All have been good ways to build more intimacy.
We've talked about the 5 Love Languages and what makes us feel loved. Now I know that my wife feels loved by acts of service.
Plug the love bank so it doesn't leak (counseling), find out how to fill the love bank better (His Needs Her Needs / The Five Love Languages), and build intimacy (long talks and prayer).
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/5/2008 10:52:18 AM
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mfcf1994
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/4/2008
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Thanks for the advice. I do recognize what my part in his affair was. My dad is living with us and has for several years now. My husband feels like he doesn't have a head of the house role. For a long time, I fought asking my dad to move out, but I have agreed that would be best for our family. I do plan on doing marriage counseling, but we thought he should go first because of some serious issues he his having about how negative his outlook on life is. Maybe I'm wrong and should join him in the first session??
He just seems so closed off to me. When we first met, he was a spiritial man. Now, he rolls his eyes at the mention of God. This is very hard to deal with! Any advice on this???
Thank you so much for your time and replies. I truly appreciate it. I need alot of prayer!
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/5/2008 1:50:31 PM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 467
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
What did you do to get past the affair when it happened? An affair, or any problem in marriage, is never all one person's fault - even if it's almost all one person's fault, there are still things the "innocent" party needs to deal with, work through, improve upon, and probably even apologize for. Yea, "needy and insecure" isn't going to help anything. You need to get a handle on you - what you have done or are doing to contribute to the affair and/or to his confusion now.
Why is he seeking counseling on his own? I can see why that might help but what about the both of you? There are two people in this deal and he's not the only one with work to do. I hate to sound like a broken record (in recent posts) but get "His Needs Her Needs" as a start, for sure!
The bolded part I HIGHLY disagree with. There is nothing someones spouse can do or the spouse has character flaws that would lead someone to cheat. People make that decision all my themselves. Trying to blame someone else for the affair is way off.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/5/2008 2:22:29 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4457
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Child4Jesus
The bolded part I HIGHLY disagree with. There is nothing someones spouse can do or the spouse has character flaws that would lead someone to cheat. People make that decision all my themselves.
obviously the wayward spouse makes the decision to cheat and that is their [bad] choice and all on them ... most spouses don't just wake up one morning and think out of the blue that they want to have an affair ... but usually there is an essential condition for one to take place ... that there is a dissatisfaction with marriage that stems from the failure to meet an important emotional need ... but if a dissatisfied spouse begins spending more time with someone of the opposite sex who IS meeting those needs, then feelings may likely develop ... i think it's a good idea for both partners in a marriage to evaluate their relationship as needed or maybe somewhat regularly to ensure things are flowing along smoothly ... i don't want to take thread too far off-topic
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/5/2008 3:43:03 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mfcf1994
He just seems so closed off to me. When we first met, he was a spiritial man. Now, he rolls his eyes at the mention of God. This is very hard to deal with! Any advice on this???
Thank you so much for your time and replies. I truly appreciate it. I need alot of prayer!
I've been there and it scared my dh. I don't think you can do anything with that except pray. God can and will work in his heart.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Child4Jesus
The bolded part I HIGHLY disagree with. There is nothing someones spouse can do or the spouse has character flaws that would lead someone to cheat. People make that decision all my themselves. Trying to blame someone else for the affair is way off.
Iwillfearnoevil responded very well to this argument and is probably also right that much more of that (here) would take us too off this OP's topic. My dh's "affair" was something like the perfect storm. There were issues that went unaddressed for years on both ends that, had they been addressed before he found himself (allowed himself to be) in that position, it never would've happened. I can say unequivocally that the issues leading up to the cheating were almost all my fault. His mistakes were his and he's owned them. But we can't really move forward without me doing the same. The best we could hope for would be to return to where we were just before it happened; and we both realize now that's not where we want to be.
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/6/2008 1:38:37 AM
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jaggie
Posts: 36
Joined: 11/6/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Child4Jesus
quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
What did you do to get past the affair when it happened? An affair, or any problem in marriage, is never all one person's fault - even if it's almost all one person's fault, there are still things the "innocent" party needs to deal with, work through, improve upon, and probably even apologize for. Yea, "needy and insecure" isn't going to help anything. You need to get a handle on you - what you have done or are doing to contribute to the affair and/or to his confusion now.
Why is he seeking counseling on his own? I can see why that might help but what about the both of you? There are two people in this deal and he's not the only one with work to do. I hate to sound like a broken record (in recent posts) but get "His Needs Her Needs" as a start, for sure!
The bolded part I HIGHLY disagree with. There is nothing someones spouse can do or the spouse has character flaws that would lead someone to cheat. People make that decision all my themselves. Trying to blame someone else for the affair is way off.
True. However, it does take two to tango. A problem in a marriage that leads to an affair is rarely just one person's fault.
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RE: Husband no longer in love with me - 11/6/2008 11:33:58 AM
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mfcf1994
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/4/2008
Status: offline
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Some good news! I gave my husband some tough love last night with the strength of God. After a very long talk, he agreed to make the appointment to seek marriage counseling and go to church! It's such a relief. We have alot of work ahead of us, but I feel so much better knowing God is with us.
Thank you for your prayers!
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