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Hubby and I don't agree - 11/29/2008 9:50:33 PM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
Joined: 11/29/2008
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Hello Ladies,
I am new to this forum, but first let me say that I find the discussions here very helpful. It's nice to have a place where women can talk through their emotions and problems.
Here is my problem: I am married to a godly man and I have two beautiful kids dd 8 and ds 7. My 7 year old has mild special needs . It was a long road with ds. He brings something special into our lives.
When our son was about 4 years old, I started to think about having another child. My husband is a good father and loves his children dearly. He said, "There will never be any unwanted children in this house." But to actually "try" to have more children just overwhelmed him. When I would talk to my husband about trying, he would seem disinterested and would either be quiet or put the conversation off for another time. He had a lot of demands at work and was working a lot of overtime so he would say, "It's not a good time for me.....etc". So, another 2 years just went by. Then, one night, we had a heated discussion because he said his was ready to "get fixed". After talking, he said that he would be willing to try for 2 years (it was fall, 2005) and then he will get fixed. I agreed to it, because I thought surely that we would get pregnant with a third by then and this would be a non-issue.
During the two years, we built a house, he changed jobs and I changed jobs twice. I work VERY part-time. Every month,...nothing. I wanted to go to my OB to make sure everything was OK, but I didn't due to finances and I didn't want to upset my husband with these tests since there was so much tension about this subject (sorry...run on sentence:-). He would have thought I was obsessing or something.
Two weeks before the procedure I told him that even though logically I know this time has come...my heart just does not accept this. My feelings don't just cut off like that! I told him to pray during this process because fertility is a gift from God and shouldn't be taken lightly. He didn't seem to feel any conviction and felt like his quiver really is full with the two. He said for some families it is full at 6 and some families 4, but not for him. Well, He had the procedure done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When he had this procedure done I felt like I had a mental "MENOPAUSE" 10 years too soon (I'm 39). I was a basket case! We have talked since then and I know that he feared that physically he didn't want to see me go through a C-section for the 3rd time even though I recouperated as good as can be expected for any pregnant mom. I knew his fears before the procedure. He also feared another special needs child and he was SO done with the diapers changes and midnight feedings.
We try to have open communication with each other. But I just wish that we were on the same page about something this important. We did pray together, but I don't think it was earnestly. God never said yes or no to us. Why would God be silent on something like this? I want to trust that God is leading my husband, but my heart is broken and I am confused. I am not disabled or depressed. So why couldn't I have another child? Ladies, I am thankful for the two that He has given me and I don't mean to be greedy. My family has told me, "Well, you have your boy and your giril". I believe that ALL children are a blessing and not just 1 or 2. I am already home during the day and we switch off when I go to work. It has been this way since our kids were young. The home environment was doable to add another child.
It would also be like pulling teeth to adopt. I brought that up several years ago too. Hubby shot it down with all the obstacles and backfires. So I figure if God wants us to adopt he would have to work on my husband's heart, because I don't stand a chance in the kids department. We still love each other and are very much in love, but I am still hurt and in shock. How do I deal with my emotions? Please take time and respond.......
THANKS!
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/29/2008 11:02:59 PM
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Keabird
Posts: 776
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I can hear what a disappointment this has been for you. Our emotions can be really strong about some things and it can be hard to let go of our dreams/goals, particularly about such big matters.
It seems to me that this may be a situation where you need to give this dream over to God and let it go. It could be that your husband will do a turnaround, but maybe not. Either way, the challenge appears to be the willingness to trust God that He has allowed it to go this way. Ask Him to heal you of this disappointment and perhaps to give you a new dream that can be fulfilled? We seem to need our dreams and goals.
I had a tubal ligation that devastated me terribly. It took me years to get over it, even though I had children. it took a long time, but I can accept now that it happened, although the circumstances how it came about were not the best and were in my mind, unnecessary. Occasionally I feel a bit sad still, but mostly life has moved on to new directions.
In situations like this where we can't control another person's desires and reactions, we need to allow ourselves to be flexible before the Lord to accept what we would rather not accept. Not easy and only done through the Holy Spirit.
Sherri
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/29/2008 11:10:28 PM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
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Keabird,
I know that what you say is right. But my main concern is that I wish that God could have given us the final say. I think I could accept it better. God is not a mute. But in this area He didn't tell me or hubby Yes or No. I wonder if our prayers were hindered. It is hard to pray for something that you want and try not to want it.
Thank you for your reply and I am listening.
Rozcraft
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/29/2008 11:42:44 PM
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Keabird
Posts: 776
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Of course, I don't know if God tried to speak to you or your hubby about this. Could it be that His answer was to allow your husband to do this? I know that is not what you want the answer to be. Could it be that God would have preferred that the two of you wait together until there was agreement? As Christians many of us think like that and expect God to think like that.
However, the way things are now, is the way they are, in the sight of God.
An old lady in a church once said something quite thought-provoking to me. There was a woman who was quite ambitious, who wanted to be made a church elder. She was a nice lady, but at the time was living with a man who was not her husband; she was not really a mature Christian (as people might see it); the church folk did not particularly want her to be an elder. However, the structure of pertaining eldership in that particular church was such that she was able to go through a few processes, and there she was - an elder! I could not get my head around that. Not only that the church folk allowed it, but so did God apparently! Later on, when this old lady and I were talking, she said, "We don't know why, but God has allowed them to be where they are.. I thought, she's right. He has. I just have to accept that He is still in control, still in charge.
This year I have heard of some horrific child abuse situations. I can't handle it. I can't handle knowing that God knew. Okay, it has stopped now. Two of the children are dead. The other is alive but last I heard, disabled. God knew! He allowed it to get that far. I can only fall back on Him and say, "Okay, Lord, I can't understand this, but I confess that You are Lord of all, and are ultimately in control." After all, our lives here are a drop in eternity. But what an awful drop, sometimes ... and I fall back on the words of one of the Old Testament men ... "Though He slay me, yet will I serve Him ...."
Sorry for rambling on a bit.
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 8:48:13 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Keabird
Of course, I don't know if God tried to speak to you or your hubby about this. Could it be that His answer was to allow your husband to do this? I know that is not what you want the answer to be. Could it be that God would have preferred that the two of you wait together until there was agreement? As Christians many of us think like that and expect God to think like that.
Maybe you did get an answer you just didn't hear it because it wasn't the one you wanted or even just wasn't the way you expected God to move. He's God, we're not. I think this is between you and God, not you and your dh. I think your dh giving it two years was very generous (for lack of a better word) but find it completely absurd that you would do that to a man who didn't want to have another baby! You can't make your dh, much less God, want what you want!
My dh and I don't really agree on this either. Our kids are dd9 adn ds8 (almost), about the same as yours. When we saw on the ultrasound that ds was a boy, dh said "great, we're done!" but I wasn't ready to say that. By the time ds was born two weeks late and I turned 30 a couple months later, I was more than ready to say I wouldn't have any more - but I told dh I thought I might still want more (ie adoption). I feel like having the two we have is somewhat selfish given all the babies and children who need families. I'm just now at the point where I really think I want to make our family bigger. Dh isn't there. I'm praying about it because that's not something I'd want to persue unless it was God's will and we were on the same page. I think we'll end up there down the road (maybe even adopting older children). It's certainly not something I'm going to force upon the rest of my family or steamroll over God and dh to get what I want.
Personally, I think you need to be content and stop trying to control your dh and God.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 10:00:16 AM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
Joined: 11/29/2008
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Thank you ladies for taking time to read my e-mail. Your counsel really hits home. I didn't realize that I was trying to control my situation. I'm going to really chew on that. I guess I just need more time to get past the emotional disappointment. Yes, God has allowed this and I need to accept and trust. But actually feeling okay about this is not immediate.
You don't know how much it means just to have someone respond to my e-mail! God bless you both!
Rozcraft
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 11:33:53 AM
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csl7037
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Roz, I was afraid I was a little to harsh. Thank you for taking that as constructive as it was intended. Pray for peace about it. I'm sure God just has something else in mind.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 3:55:35 PM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
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CSl7037,
Thanks for replying. What you said can't be anymore harsh than me realizing that I have to accept that this part of my marriage is not what I wanted or planned. It's just so hard to really want something that isn't wrong and not get it. Your post was still a help. Nothing anyone would say to me would be easy for me right now anyway.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 4:15:37 PM
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cindybode
Posts: 1560
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Northwest PA
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Roz, I have a bit of a different take on this than the previous posters. I'm very sorry for your heartache.
It was incredibly disrespectful and emotionally abusive of your husband to do this before you came to an agreement about it. I'm not saying that you wouldn't have eventually come to the same point, but the fact that your husband did it when he knew your feelings in the matter shows a rather callous disregard for your emotions. That, more than the procedure itself, bothers me a lot. If your dh doesn't want more children, you could have taken measures to prevent that while you worked on coming to an agreement. To do something permanent while your hearts were in totally opposite places was extremely selfish on his part.
How is your relationship in general? Does your husband often disregard your feelings? Obviously I don't know you, but I'm wondering if this situation has brought to light some issues that may have been simmering in your marriage for quite some time.
In the end, God is still God, and the fact that your husband has done this does not necessarily mean you will not have any more children. It's true that what's done is done, but for your own well being you need to sit the man down and tell him how hurt and disappointed you are. His reaction will determine your next step.
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 4:20:00 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cindybode
Roz, I have a bit of a different take on this than the previous posters. I'm very sorry for your heartache.
It was incredibly disrespectful and emotionally abusive of your husband to do this before you came to an agreement about it. I'm not saying that you wouldn't have eventually come to the same point, but the fact that your husband did it when he knew your feelings in the matter shows a rather callous disregard for your emotions. That, more than the procedure itself, bothers me a lot. If your dh doesn't want more children, you could have taken measures to prevent that while you worked on coming to an agreement. To do something permanent while your hearts were in totally opposite places was extremely selfish on his part.
But they had a "deal" to wait the two years and then he'd have it done. And he followed through but she didn't go along with it at the two year point like she agreed to do. I think the two year "deal" was ill-advised as well but if we're going to bargain about major family decisions, we should at least hold up our end of those bargains.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 4:36:50 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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I tend to agree with cindybode. But then, I am morally opposed to birth control, so, not surprising.
I do think though, that s the others have said, you need to let it go. Even if you felt it was wrong to prevent more children, your husband is doing that, not you, so he is accountable to God for it. And you can live the rest of your live miserable about it and emotionally punishing him for it, or you can count your blessings and let God deal with your husband, and get on with your life. You'll be a happier person if you pick the second one. 
quote:
In the end, God is still God, and the fact that your husband has done this does not necessarily mean you will not have any more children.
So true! There are countless testimonies of God convicting the hearts of people who had themselves sterilized. Or changing hearts that are hardened towards adoption. And even if neither of those things happens to you there are so many opportunities for you to pour out some love and nurture on children (and grownups) who would really benefit from it. 
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 5:46:00 PM
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cindybode
Posts: 1560
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From: Northwest PA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
But they had a "deal" to wait the two years and then he'd have it done. And he followed through but she didn't go along with it at the two year point like she agreed to do. I think the two year "deal" was ill-advised as well but if we're going to bargain about major family decisions, we should at least hold up our end of those bargains.
I see what you're saying, but the OP said that 2 weeks before he had it done, she communicated to him that she wasn't at peace with it. A husband who is loving his wife as Christ loved the church would have respected that and not had it done until she was in agreement. Instead he wanted what he wanted, stuck to the "deal," and blatantly ignored her feelings. Why is that ok?
Let's just say that my husband and I have a "deal" to move in 2 years. When that time comes, the housing market has tanked, his mother is in poor health, and now he doesn't want to move. Should I make an offer on a new house without his agreement? Of course not. Things change, and any "deals" have to take the circumstances and feelings at the present time into consideration.
If she hadn't told him that she was having second thoughts, I would agree with you and tell the OP that she should have made her feelings known.
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 7:20:37 PM
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2thepoint
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quote:
He didn't seem to feel any conviction and felt like his quiver really is full with the two. He said for some families it is full at 6 and some families 4, but not for him. Well, He had the procedure done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeling conviction: Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit. God convicts us of sin...that is, transgression against his Law (which is God's personal Will (i.e. his commandments). He does not though 'convict' those who have hardened their hearts against the very thing he has attempted to 'convict' them of...their refusal to acknowledge or even examine what God says about subjects such as the blessing of children.
About quivers: If I were going to war armed only with a bow, you can be certain that I would not be so foolish as to ONLY take two (2) arrows with me in my quiver.
Next. I know what it is to be concerned about one's wife having to go through a C-Section - our first was an emergency CS...nearly lost them both. It was after this birth and the crying and many lost nights of sleep both I and my wife went through; the picking up my wife from the bathroom floor after blacking out and then seeing her go out again in my arms and going into convulsions from a severe case of breast infection one night and other factors that caused us to try to thwart conception through all the usual means 'science' now provides to us moderns to 'use'. I had asked 'Christians' what to do about all this - their mantra was, 'God gave us a brain, and wants us to be responsible.'
They were just as clueless about what being responsible really and truly means as I was.
After a month or so of using all that science to thwart the natural process of conception, my embarassment in buying that stuff and the unnatural inconvenience of using it, prompted me to ask a question to myself one day, I should have asked as the very start: "What does God say, if anything, about this area?"
I opened the Scriptures and prayed in harmony with Proverbs 3, "Trust in the LORD with ALL thine heart and LEAN NOT unto thine OWN UNDERSTANDING; but acknowledge him and he WILL DIRECT thee in ALL thy ways..."
I did. I started with just reading passages with the word children in them...which then lead me to other passages, then others and more. After a month (I think) of through study the day dawned and the day star arose in my heart...the shadows fled and the Light illiminated my mind and heart. What I heard was this: "I am the LORD: I open the womb and I close the womb". I saw that God had not left himself SILENT on this subject, it was just that we are so far from his Word, and our ignorance of it - which is on a grand scale across professing Christendom - our ignorance of it leaves us to grope in the dark for what seems right in our own eyes. It is THIS that we then follow, knowing nothing of the truth in that area to lead us aright.
quote:
We try to have open communication with each other. But I just wish that we were on the same page about something this important. We did pray together, but I don't think it was earnestly. God never said yes or no to us. Why would God be silent on something like this?
Same page: God desires we be of One heart and One mind. Only through humility, death to self and a sincere seeking of the will of God will bring us together and find ourselves on the same page.
quote:
I want to trust that God is leading my husband, but my heart is broken and I am confused.
Trust: Trust not your husband; trust rather God. I don't mean distrust him, or think wrongly about him. Just put your trust ONLY in the LORD. Read 1 Peter 3:1-6, here you will read how the holy women of old trusted IN God. Reverence your husband, don't argue or anything that will cause him to sense your lack of submission to him and thus cause him to sense your LACK of trust in God even over this issue between him and you. God can change his mind...let him do it. Be wise, be kind, love and revere him. Watch God do his work. Study about this subject thoroughly, thoroughly, thoroughly...but be wise not to express your fervent desires upon your husband. Study for yourself to be able to pray to God with knowledge and wisdom. God bless.
quote:
Keabird,
I know that what you say is right. But my main concern is that I wish that God could have given us the final say. I think I could accept it better. God is not a mute. But in this area He didn't tell me or hubby Yes or No. I wonder if our prayers were hindered. It is hard to pray for something that you want and try not to want it.
Thank you for your reply and I am listening.
Again, GOD HAS GIVEN you and me his FINAL SAY...it is written in his Word - ASK yes, but SEEK too, and then you will FIND.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 8:03:57 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 2thepoint
About quivers: If I were going to war armed only with a bow, you can be certain that I would not be so foolish as to ONLY take two (2) arrows with me in my quiver.
I don't think 8 would do the trick in a war either - what would you need? 25? 50? I don't think this line of reasoning works at all.
But we're getting off track for this thread . This has been discussed ad nauseum - isn't there an ongoing thread about this somewhere? We're going to get her first thread shut down if we don't stick to Rozcraft's current situation.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 11/30/2008 9:17:36 PM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
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I do feel that he was a bit selfish and that he let his fears of what the future would be with another child turbo his decision. He is logical and careful and is one to consider the whole cost before doing something. That's what drew me to him. I'm responsible, but more spontaneous and he grounds me. But I don't want fear and anxiety to influence him but God. I told him this.
Cindybode, we do communicate well about most everything. It is just that this one area. He was an only child around a mother and three aunts and I think he is very sensitive and caring. But he's not perfect. I think that he thinks he is looking out for my health and for his sanity and that he knows that this is best. Because I can't get my emotions intact enough to see it from his side. We are best friends and I don't say this for fluff. But even best friends disagree. And because I am so used to being on the same side with him; it scares me and frustrates me when we don't see things eye to eye. I DID communicate my feelings to him before the procedure. But I didn't want to beg or try to manipulate him. I DID hold up to my end of the "deal". I took him to the doctor's office and I waited for him and drove him home. I got his medicine from the pharmacy. So if anyone doesn't think I held up to my end then I don't know what else more I could have done. But, emotionally, I can't pretend to be happy about something that I am not happy about. My goal now is to find contentment and NOT happiness with this issue. It was just hubby and I before kids and when they leave, we will be left. I don't want to destroy the permanent for the temporary. What we have built together is too wonderful and we want to be faithful to each other, because God has been faithful to us.
He didn't do it behind my back. But why the two years? I wish it wasn't so. But he needed a time frame because he doesn't want this issue to drag into later in life. And to you who may have a strong conviction about having many children, that's great! I have sat in on bible studies where the women are told that they are to be submissive, content, virtuous, and fruitful. But it takes two to make fruit. I would leave the bible study inspired.....with a refresed vision for my family. But my husband doesn't share that same view. A lot of times it is assumed that the husband is on board and women's bible study leaders almost repremand women who are not pregnant every two to three years. I value life and I KNOW that children are God's gift, but I have to accept that my vision is not mine but GOD'S.
P>S>I talked with a friend (47 and single). She posed this question to me: What if for me to become more like Christ and die to self means for me to live with unfulfilled desires-in this life. Can God be enough for me?
Whew! That's heavy!
I appreciate all your thoughts and replies.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/1/2008 12:28:08 AM
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Keabird
Posts: 776
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Roz, I didn't bother giving my opinion about how your husband handled this because there really isn't any point. We are discussing it with you, not him. He made his decision. Regardless of what I or anyone else on this forum thinks. So my approach was to consider YOUR situation that you are now in.
Whether you two made a deal, whether he was selfish, whether he couldn't cope with the thought of more children, whether he should have waited till both of you had peace - that's all by the by. He's done it.
I encourage you again to trust the Lord here. Vasectomies are reversable and the Lord is more than capable of showing your husband whether he should get it reversed or not. At the moment, for you, it's more about how YOU will approach your life at the moment.
Sherri
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/1/2008 9:03:22 AM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
Joined: 11/29/2008
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Keabird,
I think someone said earlier that this is between me and God. But my husband has hands and feet and it's easier to be angry with him. But really my anger is with God. The human heart thinks that God owes him something when it's simply not true. God has been good. Sometimes when you think you are a mature Christian and understand more of God's word, life brings a blow and I lost my footing. I began to question whether or not he is the blessed controller of all things. This couldn't be happening to ....me? But, Keabird accepting something that you didn't want is VERY hard. But I want to have peace with God and my husband. I know that God is able to help me sort this out and get on track. There are such great things going on in my life right now, but I CAN'T deny the hurt that I am feeling about this. You are right, though. I must trust even when my feelings seem more of a reality than God's intentions or character.
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/1/2008 11:26:43 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
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From: NE Ohio
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I want to respond to your charge that God was silent on whether or not you husband should get a vasectomy or you should have more children. God was not silent. One of you failed to hear Him. As 2thepoint wrote, God's Word is not silent about children and trusting the Lord.
Now, you could automatically think that means that your desire to have children is God's answer as that desire lines up with scripture's admonishion that children are a blessing from God. But, you could be not hearing His answer to "trust in the Lord". God is in control and He could have prevented your husband from having the procedure. God also could have given you another child during the 2 year waiting period.
Bottom line, either one of you could be the one to have failed to hear God's answer. Don't fail to hear Him now. What is He saying? What He's been saying all along, "Trust in the Lord." As Keabird has written, what's done is done. Your husband made his choice. You are in grief. I am truly sorry for your loss because it is a loss. It's okay to grieve but as your grieve remember that God is in control, God loves you, and regardless of the circumstances His will is good.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/1/2008 11:53:47 AM
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journeyman7
Posts: 67
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I can't say that I nearly have an answer, or even advice that will lighten your heartache. What I do have is my own story as a husband when it comes to having children. Children are indeed a joyous blessing, but children are a mixture of every human emotion bound in a life long commitment. Under the surface discussion about your husband having this done, the question is why did he do this? This answer could be of fear having more children or mentally visioning the strength of raising another child, as well as a myriad number of reasons.
I was very hesitant about having children and this upset my wife greatly. I wanted children but when the time was right, which the time is never perfect; at least based on my past criteria. We made the decision together and I have the joy of my life, but I do not plan on any more. Not because I don't love children, but for me it is the feasability of another child based on my wife's work scheduled, coupled with my work demands, expense, and overall life circumstance. We both agree on this, but I would feel really torn if she wanted more. Men and woman are not doubt different, but in love and respect we can get to the real issue. What is the real issue on this? I am sure your husband would not disregard your feelings unless he felt so convicted to make this life decision; right or wrong.
This is a tough example of living for God and at some point putting it in God's hands, because we can no longer bear the frustration, heartache, or wonder on why. I do realize this is very had to do, but the life of a Christian unfortunately does not rid our lives of pain and heartache, but does give us Hope.
I wish you the best and bless you.
Kevin (journeyman7)
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Mt 16:24 -
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/1/2008 4:09:31 PM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
Journeyman7,
I appreciate your input from a man's point of view. I will try to put my feelings in check (with Christ's help) and focus on the truth of God's word. It is not my agenda, but God's. I know God loves me and has a perfect plan for my life, but I guess I feel that He owes me an explanation. Somehow I think that I could accept things better. But that is where the trust comes in, I guess. Leaning not on my own understanding.
Thanks,
GR8IAM
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/1/2008 11:53:43 PM
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still4gvn
Posts: 1532
Joined: 12/28/2005
From: just north of Seattle, WA
Status: offline
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seems like you put out a fleece - the two years - and you got an answer. Your husband is thinking ahead and doing his best to plan for a family future. God has plans for the kids you do have and knows what they will need. Perhaps this should be the focus of your prayers and questions: what special things has God planned for these two children and how can you and your husband nurture and prepare them?
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/2/2008 4:41:34 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
But they had a "deal" to wait the two years and then he'd have it done. And he followed through but she didn't go along with it at the two year point like she agreed to do. I think the two year "deal" was ill-advised as well but if we're going to bargain about major family decisions, we should at least hold up our end of those bargains.
agreed. i do believe husband and wife should not be making any big decisions without joint agreement where an enthusiastic solution is negotiated. and clearly that was present in this case. i think people are free to change their mind, but i'll have to assume OP realized there was a fixed timeline and did the needful to maximize the opportunity. at this point it seems like extraordinary efforts may be required to conceive (and i realize one can say why bother with procedure then) and that both partners would have to agree on an something to move from the status quo. of course none of this changes the disappointment and hurt from a lost dream you are potentially facing but at this point it seems that it'll take God to change his heart and yours into one accord. i'll be praying for you and your family.
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/2/2008 8:15:42 PM
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Rozcraft
Posts: 13
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline
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Csl7037,
I really appreciate your response but i DID hold up to my end. When I told my husband that my heart wasn't ready, I also told him that I would go through with it. I just wanted him to know my feelings. How was I to know how I would feel now-two years ago? I had no idea what I would be feeling at the two year mark. I was there with him when he had it done. As I said earlier. My word is very important to me and I know that if I had tried to stop him from having the procedure, then he would resent me the way I resent him now. So, inevitably one of us would be hurt. But, your opinion is valued and I appreciate your insight ;-)!
Still4gvn, you present a different perspective. God does know the future and I don't. In my head, I know as a christian wife what my attitude should be toward God and my husband. It's just actually healing that only God and time can bring. I know, it comes back to TRUST.
Iwillfearnoevil, I appreciate your desire to pray for my family. It is my prayer too that we be on one accord. I think I will talk to my husband about how we should approach future decision. If we are not in agreement, it's a no until we are in agreement or one of us feel CLEARLY led of the Lord to proceed in obedience. How do you couples approach decisions?
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RE: Hubby and I don't agree - 12/3/2008 9:39:55 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Rozcraft
How do you couples approach decisions?
i think dr harley's Policy of Joint Agreement (link) is a good approach. basically never do anything without an enthusastic agreement between you and your spouse. it teaches couples to become thoughtful and sensitive to each other's feelings - even when one doesn't feel like it.
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Photoblogging My Life
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