|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
How do I deal with this? - 11/3/2009 11:45:32 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1039
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
Okay, little background.
We have two children, a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. I stay home and take care of them, and work part time on the side.
Hubby does not help with the housework. Period. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that even taking out the trash is far too much to ask of him, so I do it myself. It's not worth the fighting and then having to do it myself anyway, and with a crawler in the house it's not healthy to "let things lapse" and see if he picks up the slack (and since he's never done so in our almost-13 years of marriage, I rather doubt it would work anyway).
Thing is, I'm swamped. So, I've started staying up late to do my work-work, after the kids are in bed. My job requires me to concentrate, so I can't really do it while they're awake (and he should realize this, as I had to leave them with him once to go to a no-kids event for a couple of hours and he complained when I got back about how utterly impossible it was to do his homework with them around.)
That's also fine, from my perspective. I'm okay on minimal sleep, and I get my work done. I crawl into bed around 2-3 in the morning, and wake up when the kids do, which is usually around 8-9 AM. Am I thrilled about it? No, but I only have so many hours in a day to squeeze things into, and this seems to be working.
Well, he threw a fit about it. How dare I stay up and work and not be unconscious next to him? Pointing out that if he helped around the house a little more maybe I would have more time to work earlier and get some sleep myself was not, um, well received by him.
It's not about intimacy, when he wants that I oblige, then get up and work into the night after. From my perspective, it's not about him. It's about me needing to get my work done. I do not see what net value me snoring next to him has, compared to the money we desperately need that I get from working late at night. I'm not a morning person, I can't get up super-early and concentrate on my job properly. I've tried, I just can't, and I have a responsibility to my job too, to do my best.
I feel hurt about it. Not only does he not appreciate how hard I work (in any department, much less my actual job), but he gets angry at me for working so hard and sacrificing sleep time and me-time trying to do as much as I can for our family.
He's been gone a lot lately, doing a couple of month-long assignments in various places for his job. He'll be home in a week. Honestly I'm kind of dreading another round of "how dare you not spend the entire night while I'm unconscious, also unconscious next to me?"
Am I missing something here? How do I get across to him that I'm doing this not because I want to, but because I have to, and him getting on my case about it really doesn't help?
< Message edited by Zhi -- 11/4/2009 12:12:49 AM >
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 1:03:36 AM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2216
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
|
(((Zhi)))
Oh, Sister, I remember having just one small baby, and the work load was relentless. I can't image two! 
I don't think it can all be done. When kids are little, something has to give. Can you sleep and let the house go some?
Will he complain if the house is messy and complain if you stay up to clean it?
Really, if he's not listening to you, maybe he'd listen to your pastor. Maybe you can't sleep if something is messy (although I hurt myself with sleep deprivation, and wish I'd let the house go more, but YMMV) and staying up is the only way you can have it all?
For an unlistening husband, counseling is all I can think of. And hugs for you, dear one. It's going to get easier and easier as time goes on, so hang in there.
And your kids are cute! 
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 1:29:23 AM
|
|
|
Konstantinos
Posts: 1349
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: Greece Patra
Status: offline
|
Wow.. thats.. weird. Well I can understand wanting you to sleep with him, but getting angry that you didn't cause you had to work? Maybe he doesn't think you need to have more money? Or maybe he thinks you should be done with that during the day?
I also never got the whole.. never doing any housework thing. Did he ever live alone or was he always with his mom or you or someone to take care of all that stuff? You don't have to make a plan as to how to share the housework(I think thats one thing most men hate) but he can just help every now and then. To me its a lot more manly to help and show love to your wife than to be "manly" and make her do all the housework cause you are too "man" to bother with it. Or at least, help with the kids if he can't at all with housework. They are his kids too, I think any parent should be more than willing to play or take care of their children! He should want to, not "have to"!
_____________________________
eh.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 8:41:08 AM
|
|
|
stamper_ben
Posts: 8038
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
|
You say you've come to terms with the division of the workload around the house. I won't touch on that even though I think it needs to be addressed.
So that leaves it at the fact that he wants you so be in bed with him while he is sleeping and that you say you can't do that because you can't get you job related work done at any other time but late at night when he wants you there next to him. Even though I don't understand why he doesn't do a thing to lift a finger to help you with the upkeep of his home and children, I can understand his desire to sleep next to you. I can't explain it but to say its a marital thing. the only advice I can give you is that since you are willing to put up with everything else that goes on you will have to learn to get up in the morning before the kids to get that work done.
Sorry to be blunt, but that's just how I see it.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 8:49:36 AM
|
|
|
Eutychus
Posts: 6340
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dothan, AL
Status: offline
|
Ben is spot-on.
I wish I knew you husband well so that I could let him know that you aren't his mama replacement and that carrying his reasonable share of the load at home will save him a lot of grief, not to mention it is closer to what the Bible says a husband should be - like Christ for the Church, sacrificing Himself for he.
He may bring home a paycheck, but he's getting off with only an 8 hour day while expecting you to put in 18-20 hours.
_____________________________
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent." -John 6:29
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 9:20:50 AM
|
|
|
3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3555
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
It's hard to say without knowing the two of you.
Is he insisting that you work? He won't pick up the slack if you drop the job (even temporarily)? or on the flip side, is it his expectations about the house that are driving you to feel overhwhelmed without his help? Either way, that would be crazy-making.  I can totally understand a husband wanting his wife to spend the night with him, even if both are unconcious, but if he makes it impossible for you to do so, then his getting angry at you is really kind of toxic.
Obviously you can't live in a pig stye and it needs to be safe for your crawler, but it's also possible to have over-lofty goals and we can drive ourselves crazy trying to meet them. I hate having a messy or dirty house. It drives me bonkers. However, I did eventually find a balanced place where the house is reasonably clean without me having to spend all day keeping it that way (and my dh doesn't do housework either  ).
I think there are two possibilities here:
One possibility is, he is pretty much a lazy, bad guy who doesn't care about you and is abusing you by requiring you to do to opposite things at the same time, which is impossible. And you are going along with that and trying to do everything and wearing yourself out.
The other possibility is that there is something that drives you to need to be the one who does it all, rescues him/the family, martyrs yourself, and feels like if you don't do everything, nobody else can or will. And he is going along with that either because of his personality or because he's unhealthy and is happy to be able to get away with it. IF that's the case he may be complaining about sleeping arrangements because he has a sense that if you weren't doing that particular work, you'd find another reason to avoid spending the whole night with him.
Whichever it is, I concur with the need for counseling of some sort. Is there anyone that your husband respects and would listen to? Do y'all have a mentor couple?
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 9:55:34 AM
|
|
|
armywifey
Posts: 53
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline
|
Do you work your part-time job at home? It sounds like you do, so that's why i ask. You mentioned he is taking classses, so it sounds like you are both equally busy, he with school and work, you with taking care of the kids and work. Are you one of those people who likes staying up late? Some of us couldn't stay up until 12am if we tried, it sounds like you are one of those ppl who don't like going to bed early even if you wanted to. I have more kids than you, and while they are older now and have chores, it did not take me until the wee hrs of the morning to clean or get domesticated stuff done when they were little. Are you a neat freak? Can some of these things be put off until the weekend, and then you can lovingly ask your husb to help you?
I am just trying to be non-partial here, and see what may be going on at both ends. It doesn't do any good for everyone to chime in and say it's all your husband, and he's the one in the wrong, when we can't see both sides. Have you tried talking to him about this when you aren't frustrated?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 10:02:07 AM
|
|
|
armywifey
Posts: 53
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline
|
PS, I know moms who work full time and still don't stay up until 2-3am. The ones I knew who stay up that late, is b/c they want to or they had sleep difficulties. I also have a friend, who like you, say that they can't get stuff done until their kids are in bed, or that-that is when they get their second wind. Maybe your hubby just wants to go to bed at the same time his wife does. This used to be a prob in our marriage too. My hub would stay up late watching tv,or playing games, and i always went to bed alone. It's still that way most of the time, but it doesn't bother me anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 10:55:59 AM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1039
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
deermousie: He won't complain if the house isn't clean. I'm not sure he even notices. I do, however, shudder to think what the 9 month old would be snacking on off the floor.
Konstantintos: He lived with some roommates in college before we got married. Their place was always neat. I guess one of the other guys was doing more than his share there, though.
stamper_ben: I've tried addressing it for thirteen years. He wouldn't step up even when he wasn't working at all and I was working full time. There are things that are lost causes, and dwelling on them doesn't help.
I don't think doing it early in the morning would help. Then he would complain that my alarm was waking him up, AND I wasn't sleeping with him. And the alarm would likely wake the baby so that would make it even harder to get things done, besides the fact that I can't concentrate very well first thing in the morning.
3cappuccinosmom: He's not insisting but like I said, our financial situation means I need to. He can't really get another job when he's being sent halfway across the continent at random intervals at very short notice, nor does he want to anyway.
armywifey: Yes, I work from home. He's taking one class, It generally takes 3-7 hours of his time per week to do his homework and look at the class notes for the week (it's an online class for his masters). When I'm between projects I go to bed with him. I was going to bed with him regularly until we had our second child and it just got to be too much for me to do in one day. I'm not a neat freak, I just don't want our very young children to get sick. I've tried asking him nicely for more help for thirteen years, he just ignores me, and if I insist or remind him, he throws a fit about the fact that I'm "nagging". It's not the domestic stuff that I'm staying up and working on, it's my work. It works very, very well for me when he's not here, I actually feel a lot less stress when I have work "scheduled" for later so I can spend time with the kids and not worrying about getting my work done during the day and then feel guilty about ignoring the kids while I do it, because I'm already planning to do it later.
I would assume that moms who work full time and don't stay up either actually leave the home (and thus the vicinity of their young and very needy children) to do so, or have jobs that do not require a lot of unbroken concentration to do properly.
< Message edited by Zhi -- 11/4/2009 11:02:51 AM >
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 11:31:55 AM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 3281
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
What time do the kids go to bed and how many hours do you need to work each day?
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 11:37:15 AM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1756
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
Posting blind... but... this lifestyle is not going to work.
I'd hazard a guess that right now, you are not the kind of woman he married. You probably don't even seem quite human to him. If you are in 'machine mode' and forcing through everything on the to-do list, there is no way for him to feel connected to you. That's why he wishes you would at least lay down near him so he can feel married. For whatever reason you-two are choosing this lifestyle, you are courting disaster. By disaster I mean a broken home for your two beautiful flower tots.
Please don't do it?
Unless you owe money to the mob, working less and living on less is not going to bring you to the brink like these choices will... and shortly. (Or work the same amount and hire the housework done, or get an after-school older child to mind the kids for a couple hours a day, while you are home, to give you space to focus. Or something, anything?)
He's not saying what he means, but I can see what his inappropriate outburst implies, and it implies disconnection, pain and danger. Please take it seriously? Marriages just don't survive this mode.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 11:57:12 AM
|
|
|
Auben
Posts: 1150
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
Status: offline
|
As the Queen of 'I'll do it myself' let me just say that this won't hold up for the long term. Some facet is going to have to change or you are going to break down or blow up at some point.
My first recommendation would be frank discussion or counseling. Its uneven and as much as you shoulder the burden it's not fair and that will stick in your mind until all the unfair things form this giant ball and you are so tired and detached that bad things happen. You're only human. You may be able to hold off for years but eventually the combined weight of everything will eat you away.
If you won't do that please rethink your part time job. I'm not saying you don't need one but maybe you don't need that one. Again, husband-wife discussion time would be best here but if that's not possible consider home daycare or any job with a little less concentration. Consider living on less. Consider your options for daycare and doing that part time work while a teenager watches your children in the afternoon.
Obviously your husband feels that things are wrong here too. There is always a lack of intimacy when you can't trust someone to be there for you. You start holding parts of yourself back because you know you will be let down again. I've been there. In his mind the physical symbol of this is you not coming to bed. I don't know if that's realistic or not, but its his attempt to fix things.
So realize that things are out of joint and whenever things are out of join it takes a renegotiation between marriage partners. You can't just let it go. You have to find a new way to reach out to each other, a new way to do things.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 12:12:31 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1039
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
laura: It depends on what I'm working on and how urgent it is. Generally between 3-5 hours. The kids usually go to bed around 8-9pm (the 2 year old goes first, the baby needs some convincing.)
bolt: Actually, trying to spend time with him is part of the reason I work so late, so we can have some time with just the two of us after the kids go to bed. Given that he does stuff like scheduling elective surgery on my birthday, and that during that time he often decides to play computer games or what have you anyway, I'm not sure why he's suddenly worried about the significance of a *specific* time, especially since we're not supposed to be conscious. And, like I said, I've been the sole proprietor of the "to do" list for 13 years, so it's not like that's anything new.
3cappucinos: I try to get the chores done while the kids are napping as best I can (with 2, it can be difficult to synchronize naptime.) I can't schedule my work on a month-by-month basis, really, I can't tell them I'll be unavailable for a month while he's here and available for a month when he's not. Especially since I'm thrilled to get a weeks' notice that he's leaving. This time we got 3 days' notice that he was going to Alaska for 3 weeks.
Auben: I've been shouldering it for 13 years and I've managed so far. It's just harder to fit everything in with a toddler and and infant. I've tried negotiating and it doesn't work, and the stress of fighting about that is more difficult to handle than just doing it. (And don't say discuss it calmly. I've tried every way I or the leading experts who write books can think of. It gets un-calm on his side immediately.)
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 12:26:19 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1449
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
|
I would try and find a way that you could stop working while the kids are young. When they are at school you could work then if you have to.It is an absolute basic necessity that you work or is it so that you have have extras? I ask this cos many of my friends said that they needed to work when they actually didnt if they had done without their 2 cars or other non essentials.
This would take the pressure offf you till the kids are at school and then you can do the work while they are there.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 12:32:44 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1756
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
quote:
Actually, trying to spend time with him is part of the reason I work so late, so we can have some time with just the two of us after the kids go to bed. Given that he does stuff like scheduling elective surgery on my birthday, and that during that time he often decides to play computer games or what have you anyway, I'm not sure why he's suddenly worried about the significance of a *specific* time, especially since we're not supposed to be conscious. And, like I said, I've been the sole proprietor of the "to do" list for 13 years, so it's not like that's anything new.
So, you've put him on the to-do list, and the amount of time designated should be sufficient, so that's that.
If that's been the way of it for 13 years, it's no wonder that the satisfaction of spending any time together is waning. A to do list is for stuff. People shouldn't feel like they are on one. People should be able to perceive their inherent value to your heart, your desire for them, apart from and above the critical plan of the day.
You said that this not coming to bed is new, but both you and your husband know that it's just another completely practical expression of the way you've been working together all these years. As a deep and abiding expression of a true marriage, spending unconscious time together is the last flag of seeming married in heart. He probably knows that he let go of most of what he valued over time... but it's all plied up in this image of sleeping alone.
And your response is only, "Why should he complain about sleeping alone for those hours, when I'm not sleeping at all? Stuff needs doing."
I want so much more for you two, but you are too exhaused to see it, much less persue it. Please try? Or find some guidence and support? Or choose to act on what might be wisdom, and see if it bears good fruit?
Please?
A broken home damages chidren. Just because you worked hard to balance your life according to excellent priorities is not going to cover things if it's not working... if it doesn't end up working. And it's not working. The cracks are clear. It may not be your fault, but it requires your best effort. Try something else. Soon.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 12:51:44 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1039
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
I would try and find a way that you could stop working while the kids are young. When they are at school you could work then if you have to.It is an absolute basic necessity that you work or is it so that you have have extras? I ask this cos many of my friends said that they needed to work when they actually didnt if they had done without their 2 cars or other non essentials.
This would take the pressure offf you till the kids are at school and then you can do the work while they are there.
We only have one car as it is. We don't have cable TV or anything. We have high speed internet, because I need it for my work.
Over the past couple of years, we've had one of his investments go terribly south, which ate up most of our savings. Our house burned down (right after we moved because he had to get new work, due to his old work threatening to put him on half salary, so at least we didn't lose all our belongings). Our single car got totalled in a weather-related accident (not his fault) and we had to buy another one, the insurance only covered about half the cost of that. He's had 4 surgeries for a supposedly minor issue, and they almost killed him during two of those (including the one on my birthday, when he nearly bled to death. Fortunately my mom was there to help because I had just had a baby 3 days previous.) So yes, until we can get the house rebuilt (by insurance) and sell it, I really do need to work. It's almost done, but I have no idea how long it will take to sell. There's also the fact that he keeps getting sent out on projects because the local office is very low on work, so we're concerned that he will get laid off.
We're just trying to stay out of further debt (what we have is house related and should be paid off when we sell the house) and weather the perfect storm that's been slamming us for two years.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 1:16:56 PM
|
|
|
AslansChild
Posts: 66
Joined: 6/30/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
Sorry to be blunt, but that's just how I see it.
As a man who has been married to a wonderful wife for 20 years I think Ben is SPOT OFF. In 20 years I have done a ton of laundry, a mountain of dishes, and changed diapers for two kids. I mop the floors, scrub the tubs and paint the walls. My wife has worked on and off over the 20 years as well as raised two beautiful children (so far) We are a team and no matter what I had going on (full time job, coach, Youth group leader, night classes and business travel) or she had going on (finishing college, preganancy, work, family, side businesses) we both did what it took to keep the house going, the bills paid and some fun along the way. In my opinion the man who uses his Head of House status to shirk responsibilities is somewhere between a welfare cheat and a criminal. I am tired of hearing how a man comes across as I go to work, I bring home the paycheck and my slippers and pipe need to be ready when I get home. Sure he wants you next to him in bed at night, you know why? Because it lessens the guilt he is feeling. I am always the last one in bed in my house unless I am sick, which has happened about 3 times in the past 16 years (oldest child is 16). The reason is my own subconcious, I do a sweep of the house to put any dishes away/in the sink or DW. I check the doors, I turn out the lights, I pray over the kids and I go to bed. Sometimes this is at the same time as my wife other times it is much later as I catch-up on work. My reccomendation is for you to take care of the things that matter, if he sees things out of place kindly tell him that you appreciate him wanting to help and ask him to fix it the way he would like. If he doesn't get the hint that you need his help you have enabled him to indenture you for the remainder of the marrige.
After reading through some of the women's responses I find it interesting that most of the suggestions are for the wife to change or rearrange her schedule. From what I gather of the OP and her follow-ups the husband needs a big wake-up call. Is it possible for you to take a weekend with some girlfriends or a church women's retreat. Have him face a weekend without you while you get refreshed and I am sure the appreciation will be there when you get home.
< Message edited by AslansChild -- 11/4/2009 1:28:40 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 1:18:05 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1039
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
bolt: It's not about him being on a to do list. I'm more than happy to talk to him if he wants to stay up and talk, or he could always come into the kitchen where I'm cooking or doing dishes and talk with me. It's not really my fault if he chooses not to.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 1:35:32 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1756
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
I know... I'm just hoping you can see past fault to healing, even if it's even more work. Healing is usually the hardest path.
Lest you agree with AslansChild, that I am laying this on you because you are the wife, or because I see it as your fault. I'm not. I'm laying it on you because you are the only person in your situation who I am able to talk to. And I so badly want the situation to be better for you all. If I had your husband on the line and interested, you can bet he's hear a wake up call from me. But I can't do that. I can only ask that you choose things that might help even if your husband does not recognize his responsibility or need to change. Somebody needs to be the hero.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 1:39:23 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1449
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Zhi
quote:
I would try and find a way that you could stop working while the kids are young. When they are at school you could work then if you have to.It is an absolute basic necessity that you work or is it so that you have have extras? I ask this cos many of my friends said that they needed to work when they actually didnt if they had done without their 2 cars or other non essentials.
This would take the pressure offf you till the kids are at school and then you can do the work while they are there.
We only have one car as it is. We don't have cable TV or anything. We have high speed internet, because I need it for my work.
Over the past couple of years, we've had one of his investments go terribly south, which ate up most of our savings. Our house burned down (right after we moved because he had to get new work, due to his old work threatening to put him on half salary, so at least we didn't lose all our belongings). Our single car got totalled in a weather-related accident (not his fault) and we had to buy another one, the insurance only covered about half the cost of that. He's had 4 surgeries for a supposedly minor issue, and they almost killed him during two of those (including the one on my birthday, when he nearly bled to death. Fortunately my mom was there to help because I had just had a baby 3 days previous.) So yes, until we can get the house rebuilt (by insurance) and sell it, I really do need to work. It's almost done, but I have no idea how long it will take to sell. There's also the fact that he keeps getting sent out on projects because the local office is very low on work, so we're concerned that he will get laid off.
We're just trying to stay out of further debt (what we have is house related and should be paid off when we sell the house) and weather the perfect storm that's been slamming us for two years.
Could your mum or another relative look after the kids one or two days a week so that you can do the work then?Hiw about child minders? In the UK if you are below a certain income you get help to pay for child minders.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 1:54:52 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1039
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
Could your mum or another relative look after the kids one or two days a week so that you can do the work then?Hiw about child minders? In the UK if you are below a certain income you get help to pay for child minders.
The closest (geographically) relatives we have are 6 hours away and are invalids. My parents are 12 hours away, his are 18. I looked into daycare, but to get decent daycare it's expensive, I don't have a car while he's at work locally (and when he's not local it doesn't matter how late I'm up), and the one daycare that I could walk to is full. Spending hours on a bus (our transit system is not great) wouldn't really help much with the not having enough time thing.
Our income level is well above the "government help" level, as it does not take into account things like medical expenses (we have insurance but you still have to pay a lot in copays), car wrecks, and your house burning down.
Like I said, I can handle my workload. I just don't want him yelling at me for doing my best to do so. I need him to either decrease the workload if he wants to pile more priorities on, or get off my back.
ETA: I guess I just mostly don't understand why it's such a big deal, given that at his request I slept on an air mattress on the living room floor for the first few weeks of the new baby's life because he wanted to get a decent night's sleep while she was waking up every few hours for a feeding. Why is me going to bed with him suddenly so important just a few months later?
< Message edited by Zhi -- 11/4/2009 2:15:33 PM >
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 3:32:56 PM
|
|
|
Auben
Posts: 1150
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
Status: offline
|
Because he realizes that something is wrong. Maybe he really thinks the bed thing is it. It's certainly easier then realizing that his behaviors over the course of your marriage have consequences.
You can hire a teenager to babysit in your home (while you're there in another room) for a few hours a day. Its neither cost prohibitive nor is travel involved.
From personal experience I just don't see this ending well. And by saying that I'm not saying you can't handle taking care of everything or that just talking calmly is the answer. Sometimes talking calmly isn't the answer because not all people will respond to that.
Let me just say I've seen this marriage play out a few times in my own life and with several women in my family and it never turns out well...and not because the women couldn't handle doing it all either. It has nothing to do with that. It goes badly because of the lack of communication and the preference to shoulder more burden rather then find counseling or setting boundaries that would shake the boat. It's much easier to do the work, but it doesn't help the relationship in the long run.
Dh and I recently started confronting an issue along these lines and it took me 9 years to find the right thing to get his attention. And it wasn't for want of talking about it. He had to realize how deep the issue went and how painful it was to me before he moved past some of his feelings of inadequacy which made him too defensive to deal with the issue.
Anyway, I feel for you. I hope it gets better. I hope you find a way to reach each other, whatever that is.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 3:35:32 PM
|
|
|
AslansChild
Posts: 66
Joined: 6/30/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
I really think focusing on who does the housework (and whether a man should do a certain percentage) is kind of missing the real problem. The problem here is not who does what percentage of housework but that these two people are not connecting in a healthy way and the wife is overwhelmed and going to eventually burn out.
I think it gives a look into the mans psyche. Zhi also mentioned that when it was convinient for her husband he directed her to sleep out of the room or stood by her decision to do so.i If she is already overwhelmed than having her continue to enable him will burn her out even faster.
Was he an only child, did his mother do everything for him until you married? A high school friend is a little like this, he had his wife sleep in the baby's room so he wouldn't be disturbed, she is responsible for the cooking cleaning and presentation of the kids and he is responsible for the money and the yard. I see him a few times a year and it amazes me at what he puts her through. In the 12 years they have been maried she has aged 20.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
I'll sacrifice a smooth-running household for time with dh any day, but I do understand the feeling. 
