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Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 2:35:04 PM
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dajojojo
Posts: 5
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I dont know how else to put it. I love my wife, things havent been the best for us and throughout 14 years of marraige, we have definitely had our bad times. We're doing great now. Except for sex. I do believe my wife loves me but there is a line. And affection is very low. Im a good looking, healthy, 40 year old and she's 39 and looks great also. I dont know what other information you need but I just need some answers, some prayers cause im really being tested right now. Im not a sex freak, if you will. I dont ask for it everyday or throw tantrums lol. But it does affect me and my attitude sometimes. I do believe sex and most importantly affection is extremely important in a marraige. Am I wrong? Help me to get my mind and my spirit back on track if I am wrong. Please help.
[Mod note: Moved from Marriage to Women Only. Women's posts are allowed in the first few postings, so don't be shocked that theyre there.  ]
< Message edited by ta_mosquito -- 11/3/2009 4:16:17 PM >
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 2:37:58 PM
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armywifey
Posts: 53
Joined: 6/11/2009
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How often are you guys having sex?
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 2:45:47 PM
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HomeSpunLady
Posts: 481
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Lovely Pennsylvania!
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Whenever my mind isn't in the right place, but I need it to be for hubby I pray for that. I pray that sex would be what it needs to be at that time. And God usually answers! For the both of us.
Some people need affection more than others, but I would have to agree that both are important, however, on varying levels for different people. Have you talked to her about this?
_____________________________
Kathryn
Just Me
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 3:15:09 PM
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KaptZ
Posts: 155
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: The swamps of Jersey
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Happily married but no sex? Sounds like a contradiction in terms to me.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 3:31:51 PM
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ptz
Posts: 20
Joined: 5/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dajojojo
I dont know how else to put it. I love my wife, things havent been the best for us and throughout 14 years of marraige, we have definitely had our bad times. We're doing great now. Except for sex. I do believe my wife loves me but there is a line. And affection is very low. Im a good looking, healthy, 40 year old and she's 39 and looks great also. I dont know what other information you need but I just need some answers, some prayers cause im really being tested right now. Im not a sex freak, if you will. I dont ask for it everyday or throw tantrums lol. But it does affect me and my attitude sometimes. I do believe sex and most importantly affection is extremely important in a marraige. Am I wrong? Help me to get my mind and my spirit back on track if I am wrong. Please help.
I agree that intimacy in a marriage is very important. You are certainly NOT wrong for feeling the way you do. Is she going through a hard time right now?? I.e stressful job, kids to take care of, etc. Or I guess I should say, does she have to much on her plate?? Because sometimes, people are just so busy and occupied with other things that you kind of 'forget' about the intimate part of their life. Also, have you tried being romantic with her? And what I mean by that is...doing subtle things that are affectionate, yet not pressure to have sex? For example, do you hold her hand while going for a walk, do you hug her, just because you want a hug and to be close? Do you cuddle with her on the couch? You could give her a back rub. All of these types of things can relax her, and perhaps get her in the mood. You can also blatantly tell her how much you want her at a specific time. (i.e not so much when she is changing diapers on a screaming baby, but more like when she gets ready for bed or something). It is hard thing when couples are not on the same page when it comes to their intimate lives. Perhaps you could both also go to a counselor or christian couples retreat or something? I hope that it gets better for you.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 3:52:51 PM
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dajojojo
Posts: 5
Joined: 12/8/2007
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Hmmm, we average about .5% sex every month lol. I only laugh to keep from crying lol. Seriously, about once every 2 months. It's getting to me brothers and sisters and thats the truth. I do, do the small things like hugs, flowers, unexpected text to say thank you, I love you. I've also tried to be blunt. Because sometimes, you just have to say it but nothing works. I'm praying and I'll continue to pray but I just dont have an answer. This is a big issue for me. And it's different if she couldn't because of a physical issue. The affection and the feeling of being wanted is still there. But its not with us.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 3:53:51 PM
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Eutychus
Posts: 6340
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dothan, AL
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dajojojo
I dont know how else to put it. I love my wife, things havent been the best for us and throughout 14 years of marraige, we have definitely had our bad times. We're doing great now. Except for sex. I do believe my wife loves me but there is a line. And affection is very low. Im a good looking, healthy, 40 year old and she's 39 and looks great also. I dont know what other information you need but I just need some answers, some prayers cause im really being tested right now. Im not a sex freak, if you will. I dont ask for it everyday or throw tantrums lol. But it does affect me and my attitude sometimes. I do believe sex and most importantly affection is extremely important in a marraige. Am I wrong? Help me to get my mind and my spirit back on track if I am wrong. Please help.
Trust me, in a few years, the tables will turn and she will be the one tested in the same manner.
_____________________________
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent." -John 6:29
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 4:02:26 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8038
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Eutychus
quote:
ORIGINAL: dajojojo
I dont know how else to put it. I love my wife, things havent been the best for us and throughout 14 years of marraige, we have definitely had our bad times. We're doing great now. Except for sex. I do believe my wife loves me but there is a line. And affection is very low. Im a good looking, healthy, 40 year old and she's 39 and looks great also. I dont know what other information you need but I just need some answers, some prayers cause im really being tested right now. Im not a sex freak, if you will. I dont ask for it everyday or throw tantrums lol. But it does affect me and my attitude sometimes. I do believe sex and most importantly affection is extremely important in a marraige. Am I wrong? Help me to get my mind and my spirit back on track if I am wrong. Please help.
Trust me, in a few years, the tables will turn and she will be the one tested in the same manner.
LOL! I can laugh because I can relate...
quote:
ORIGINAL: KaptZ
Happily married but no sex? Sounds like a contradiction in terms to me.
No, it's not a contradiction. A couple can be on different levels this way and still be very happy in marriage. It sounds like that is where the OP and his wife are. Rather than battle it in the flesh dajojojo, battle it spiritually with prayer. I can tell you that many times I just got into a mindset that the backrub I gave without any expectations was making love to her. That still holds true. And many times "good" things have happened afterward.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 4:10:05 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10995
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
Status: online
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MODERATOR'S NOTE :: ATTENTION PLEASE
Since discussions about sexual topics aren't allowed in mixed company on our forums, I'm moving this from Marriage to Men Only.
Female posts up to this point are OK. After this point, females are not allowed to post.
Thanks!
Tricia
Forums Moderator
Please do not reply to this message within the forums or chat.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 4:23:11 PM
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Eutychus
Posts: 6340
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dothan, AL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
No, it's not a contradiction. A couple can be on different levels this way and still be very happy in marriage. It sounds like that is where the OP and his wife are. Rather than battle it in the flesh dajojojo, battle it spiritually with prayer. I can tell you that many times I just got into a mindset that the backrub I gave without any expectations was making love to her. That still holds true. And many times "good" things have happened afterward.
I can related to that. I had to learn to give without expectations. It wasn't easy but the rewards were great - and I don't just mean that sex often followed.
_____________________________
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent." -John 6:29
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/3/2009 9:14:51 PM
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KaptZ
Posts: 155
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: The swamps of Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: KaptZ
Happily married but no sex? Sounds like a contradiction in terms to me.
No, it's not a contradiction. A couple can be on different levels this way and still be very happy in marriage. It sounds like that is where the OP and his wife are. Rather than battle it in the flesh dajojojo, battle it spiritually with prayer. I can tell you that many times I just got into a mindset that the backrub I gave without any expectations was making love to her. That still holds true. And many times "good" things have happened afterward.
I hesistate to use 'happily' in this case. That's just me. Their problems are probably surmountable, but I don't think I'd be very happy to be in his shoes.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/4/2009 4:22:52 PM
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southserve
Posts: 13
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline
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The first thing I believe you need to do is to LOVE HER, WHETHER SHE DESERVES IT OR NOT. I think that if you loved her unconditionally you wouldn't be posting this thread to begin with. Marriage is more about making deposits than withdrawals. I certainly understand the "need" for sex and intimacy and I'm not suggesting that you suffer in silence or refrain from discussing it with her, but I think that the moment sex (or lack thereof) takes a back seat in your own mind, it will happen on its own. If she has no desire to be intimate with you, then there is something wrong in the LOVE department. If she has her plate full like someone else posted, try to lighten her load. Just love her MORE, love her UNCONDITIONALLY and beg God to make you a good husband to your wife. Once you achieve that, you will be completely satisfied in the sex department, no matter how many times you have it - this is why "having sex" with your wife is called "making love".........
_____________________________
"BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER" Romans 12:12
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/4/2009 5:47:17 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: southserve
I certainly understand the "need" for sex and intimacy and I'm not suggesting that you suffer in silence or refrain from discussing it with her, but I think that the moment sex (or lack thereof) takes a back seat in your own mind, it will happen on its own. If she has no desire to be intimate with you, then there is something wrong in the LOVE department.
Southserve, it would appear it has not taken a backseat because sex is completely out the door. There maybe nothing wrong in the love department. Southserve are you an endocrinologist that has performed tests on her? How do you know she does not have a physical problem?
quote:
If she has her plate full like someone else posted, try to lighten her load. Just love her MORE, love her UNCONDITIONALLY and beg God to make you a good husband to your wife.
Maybe he does love her unconditionally. Maybe he is not just a good husband for his wife but an excellent husband for her.
quote:
Once you achieve that, you will be completely satisfied in the sex department, no matter how many times you have it - this is why "having sex" with your wife is called "making love"…
He may have achieved all of the above. There very well maybe something wrong with her. She also maybe the type of person that has little or no libido. Some people are naturally like that.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/6/2009 10:42:27 AM
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southserve
Posts: 13
Joined: 9/8/2009
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dnp200450, it would also be helpful to contribute your own ideas and/or advice to our brother here instead of just dissecting my own...
_____________________________
"BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER" Romans 12:12
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/6/2009 3:01:32 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: southserve
dnp200450, it would also be helpful to contribute your own ideas and/or advice to our brother here instead of just dissecting my own...
Southserve read what you wrote again and hopefully you understand why I replied to you in such a manner. I find it odd you are blaming HIM without knowing HER medical history. Also why do you assume HE does not love her enough? Maybe he is an excellent husband already. Then there was the this comment:
“Once you achieve that, you will be completely satisfied in the sex department, no matter how many times you have it - this is why "having sex" with your wife is called "making love"… “ How do you do this will happen? You don’t know enough about her to guarantee that. If a biological problem(s) exist she still could have problems.
< Message edited by dnp200450 -- 11/6/2009 3:07:40 PM >
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/7/2009 12:56:45 AM
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mosess8
Posts: 66
Joined: 11/6/2009
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It is a curious thing, but I once heard Dr. gary Chapman say that women dont need sex as much as men do. I know it's true. I'll say something else: Women dont need to reach orgasm every time they have sex, interesting.
Those facts may not ever change bro. but women do get in their zones from tiem to time. When my wife is in the zone I am always ready! My antennas are up and I am looking for the signs.
Until then I walk with my head low and my eyes forward. It is what it is.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/7/2009 7:31:05 AM
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johndoo
Posts: 3
Joined: 11/7/2009
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It sounds as if you have had open and honest conversations with your wife and it isn't changing.
If you want to receive love (your love language is ) touch, physical intimacy, sex and she won't give you love in this way no matter how you explain it, read books ( 5 Love languages, His Needs Her Needs, ) , etc. , then you need marriage counseling. It can be a great tool to allow you both to be brutally honest about how you feel and work out compromises.
If she refuses to go, consider going by yourself and later asking her to join you.
God bless you for your faithfulness in marriage.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/7/2009 2:08:11 PM
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Concerto
Posts: 128
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
The first thing I believe you need to do is to LOVE HER, WHETHER SHE DESERVES IT OR NOT. I think that if you loved her unconditionally you wouldn't be posting this thread to begin with. Marriage is more about making deposits than withdrawals. I certainly understand the "need" for sex and intimacy and I'm not suggesting that you suffer in silence or refrain from discussing it with her, but I think that the moment sex (or lack thereof) takes a back seat in your own mind, it will happen on its own. If she has no desire to be intimate with you, then there is something wrong in the LOVE department. If she has her plate full like someone else posted, try to lighten her load. Just love her MORE, love her UNCONDITIONALLY and beg God to make you a good husband to your wife. Once you achieve that, you will be completely satisfied in the sex department, no matter how many times you have it - this is why "having sex" with your wife is called "making love".........
I have to disagree with the above response. What does the Bible say? That, unless it is agreed upon, husband and wife should not deprive each other of intimacy. Love is a two way street. Marriage is a "relationship" meaning, 2 people, not one. Should the husband love his wife sacrificially, yes? But, being intimate should not be considered some type of "reward" meaning, well, the husband was extra extra kind this week, so, because of that, the wife then agrees to intimacy. That is not right...once again, the Bible says:
"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.6 NIV
C
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/9/2009 11:39:31 AM
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southserve
Posts: 13
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Concerto
I have to disagree with the above response. What does the Bible say? That, unless it is agreed upon, husband and wife should not deprive each other of intimacy. Love is a two way street. Marriage is a "relationship" meaning, 2 people, not one. Should the husband love his wife sacrificially, yes? But, being intimate should not be considered some type of "reward" meaning, well, the husband was extra extra kind this week, so, because of that, the wife then agrees to intimacy. That is not right...once again, the Bible says:
"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.6 NIV
C
How convenient that you stopped just short of including the tail end of that thought by the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians which says :"I say this as a concession, not as a command" 1CO 7:6.
_____________________________
"BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER" Romans 12:12
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/9/2009 12:55:03 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 471
Status: offline
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southserve, please.
Do you not see what a few already pointed out?
It seems your position is from the presumption of dajojojo "doing things wrong", but without dajojojo's confirmation of those wrongs.
dnp200450's dissection was on the mark, and is part of a community to correct each other. Most forums aren't original post then direct responses to the original post, but a flow of ideas, counter ideas, corrections, rejections and acceptances.
The world is already full of men-haters and degraders. Instead of attempting to shame and break, let us sharpen each other.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/9/2009 7:01:55 PM
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perfectWeakness129
Posts: 28
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline
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If southserve's presumptions are correct (and they are presumptions) then this is an exceedingly good exhortation to anyone in the condition southserve describes. I'd love to hear dajojojo 's response to southserve's post if its at all applicable. If a husband's goal is self satisfaction in a marriage relationship, I would think a wife can see right through that and would be turned off. Perhaps with more feedback from him we can limit presumptions on both sides.
Of course, if this isn't dajojojo's condition then southserve's post is not the answer and we can begin to address practical steps on pursuing your wife that may be helpful to the OP. It sounds like Dajojojo is pretty broken up about this and I am guessing self-reflection has taken place.
Dajojojo, How would you evaluate your love for your wife, and is there a focus on sex that is higher than the relationship of love itself?
_____________________________
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." -Mark 8:34b-35
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/9/2009 8:17:31 PM
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trainfan
Posts: 2358
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: The land of confusion
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: southserve
quote:
ORIGINAL: Concerto
I have to disagree with the above response. What does the Bible say? That, unless it is agreed upon, husband and wife should not deprive each other of intimacy. Love is a two way street. Marriage is a "relationship" meaning, 2 people, not one. Should the husband love his wife sacrificially, yes? But, being intimate should not be considered some type of "reward" meaning, well, the husband was extra extra kind this week, so, because of that, the wife then agrees to intimacy. That is not right...once again, the Bible says:
"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.6 NIV
C
How convenient that you stopped just short of including the tail end of that thought by the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians which says :"I say this as a concession, not as a command" 1CO 7:6.
Actually southserve let's put the whole passage in context.
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
The bolded parts are the important parts to truly put this in context. What I have always been taught that Paul is saying that marriage itself is the concession not husbands and wives fulfilling their martial duty to each other is the concession.
_____________________________
Disappoints are inevitable, discouragment is a choice.
Dr. Charles Stanley.
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/10/2009 2:33:10 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 3812
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. What translation is THAT??? Not a good one...
(NASB) 1Co 7:1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
(WEB) 1Co 7:1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote to me: it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
(ASV) 1Co 7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
_____________________________
Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/10/2009 2:39:40 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 3812
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mosess8
It is a curious thing, but I once heard Dr. gary Chapman say that women dont need sex as much as men do. I know it's true. I'll say something else: Women dont need to reach orgasm every time they have sex, interesting. That may be his opinion but it is not the opinion of the bible.
The OT supports this and it is the beginning point for the NT authors:
Sex is a wife's right and a husband's responsibility.
In fact the Mishnah (which wrote down the social and religious mores of the first century) said exactly how often a man was to offer to satisfy his wife based on his occupation. If he were independantly wealthy, it was every day. If his job was in one of the lower frequencies, she could sue in the courts to get him to change occupations to satisfy her more frequently.
There is absolutely nothing (other that 1 Cor 7) in the bible that says it the other way around. Perhaps that is why Paul wrote that, to try to bring it back into balance.
_____________________________
Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Happily Married but Sex Life Sucks - 11/10/2009 3:32:28 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 471
Status: offline
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Umm... NIV.
The word aptesthai (ἅπτεσθαι) from the primitivate root of haptó (ἅπτω) actually is not "touch" but "to attach oneself to", or "to fasten to" as in ... marry.
quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
quote:
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. What translation is THAT??? Not a good one...
(NASB) 1Co 7:1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
(WEB) 1Co 7:1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote to me: it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
(ASV) 1Co 7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
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