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Either Wife Or Mother - 11/6/2009 5:34:04 AM
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Ngale
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My wife does not want to see my mother although we've got a baby and need help in nursing, doing home affairs etc.
My mother doesn't even know she's got a granddaughter.
There are some circumstances of the case. I'm divorced and remarryied 6 years ago. My wife is much younger than me. My mother did not show Christian love and behaviour to my wife. Moreover, she suspected her not to love me. My wife tells if I visit mother, she will leave me. She also doesn't want me making a call to my elder son, and I learnt just casually that he moved to another place. His fault was that one day when speaking to me by phone, he didn't send regards to my wife. There are many other points besides.
All this is my guilt. But this knowledge doesn't help. I'm not an angel, neither my mother nor my wife is. But other people who are not Christians, make peace in their families somehow. My wife is a human of principle: if my mother asked her pardon sincerely, she could forgive. And mom doesn't understand this.
What to do next?
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/6/2009 10:26:05 AM
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trainfan
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Moving this thread from Men Only to Relationships.
Please do not reply to this message within the Community.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message
< Message edited by trainfan -- 11/6/2009 10:51:28 AM >
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/6/2009 11:02:19 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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You wife is very controlling. I am more troubled that she wont let you ring your own son. Now what is that about? That is absolutely wrong. Why are you letting her tell you what to do all the time?. If she doesnt want to see your mum thats fine but you should be able to go if you want to.Tell your mum what the problem is (you could write)and maybe she will appologise.
Please contact your son, he is your own child. No one should be able to tell a a parent that they cant contact their own child.Why should he suffer for your wifes selfishness?.Do any of your family know about the baby?
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/6/2009 11:07:58 AM
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Kat_D
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Is your wife a Christian? If so, how does she justify her behavior in light of the Scriptures?
14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."-Hebrews 12
Of more concern to me than the relationship with your mother is that you allow your current wife to keep you from speaking to your son from your former marriage. You were his father before she came in the picture and your obligations to him and relationship with him should not have been altered because you married her. If this is happening, you need to take steps to change it.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/6/2009 11:58:13 PM
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bolt.
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OK, the wife in this situation is a very new mother, nursing and facing the challenges of that particularly difficult phase of life.
How long ago did she give birth?
Has she shown signs of post-partum depression?
Was she more reasonable before she got pregnant (only taking offense at significant events?)
Going on guesses, I think you should cuddle into the household with your wife and baby for a month or two, helping a lot with the home affairs and encouraging her to focus on loving the baby in action. Watch for signs of depression. Do not talk about your family. There is no reason to stress her out at a vulnerable time. It's only a few months.
After that, if she seems stable, mention that you plan on emailing an announcement and some pictures to the baby's grandparents and other extended family members -- but that you will be strong about not getting into anything with them, and that there will be no visiting unless she does the inviting. It's her call. Tell her that you are comfortable with a peaceable-but-distant relationship with your mom and/or son.
Then leave things alone for a few weeks.
If that goes well, then you can talk to her about starting some occasional emails or phone calls to your son and your mom, just to keep in touch, not to invite them into your life together. Assure her, if necessary, that you will speak to your son firmly about the kind of courtesy you expect regarding your wife.
After that do keep the calls occasional, short and calm. You need to have good boundaries if these people have chosen bad behaviour towards your wife. She is your one and only partner for life, the woman you have trusted with the raising of your offspring. You love her, and she deserves your support and protection.
Also, have you forgiven your mother for her actions?
< Message edited by bolt. -- 11/7/2009 12:04:34 AM >
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/7/2009 5:17:28 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
OK, the wife in this situation is a very new mother, nursing and facing the challenges of that particularly difficult phase of life.
How long ago did she give birth?
Has she shown signs of post-partum depression?
Was she more reasonable before she got pregnant (only taking offense at significant events?)
Going on guesses, I think you should cuddle into the household with your wife and baby for a month or two, helping a lot with the home affairs and encouraging her to focus on loving the baby in action. Watch for signs of depression. Do not talk about your family. There is no reason to stress her out at a vulnerable time. It's only a few months.
After that, if she seems stable, mention that you plan on emailing an announcement and some pictures to the baby's grandparents and other extended family members -- but that you will be strong about not getting into anything with them, and that there will be no visiting unless she does the inviting. It's her call. Tell her that you are comfortable with a peaceable-but-distant relationship with your mom and/or son.
Then leave things alone for a few weeks.
If that goes well, then you can talk to her about starting some occasional emails or phone calls to your son and your mom, just to keep in touch, not to invite them into your life together. Assure her, if necessary, that you will speak to your son firmly about the kind of courtesy you expect regarding your wife.
After that do keep the calls occasional, short and calm. You need to have good boundaries if these people have chosen bad behaviour towards your wife. She is your one and only partner for life, the woman you have trusted with the raising of your offspring. You love her, and she deserves your support and protection.
Also, have you forgiven your mother for her actions?
His son forgot once to send regards to his wife and she had told his dad that he isnt to contact him? That is disgusting behaviour. He is this lads father and no one should be able to tell him that he cannot phone him, or see him. I am at a total loss as to why this man is even allowing his wife to boss him around and keep him away from his own child who has done absolutely nothing worng.
She sounds like an extreemly controiling selfish and manipulative wife and I fear for their furture.He will need to be very atrong to stop her from ruling his life totally.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/7/2009 10:08:16 AM
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bolt.
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When the OP said,
quote:
His fault was that one day when speaking to me by phone, he didn't send regards to my wife. There are many other points besides. All this is my guilt.
I got the impression that there have been many offenses and difficult interactions with his family as a whole, including the grown son, and that the weight adds up -- and who knows why she particularly thought she should have been "sent regards" at that point, and who knows what kind of a pattern of blatant disregard this may have fallen into.
But even if there isn't anything extra in the significance and pattern of the 'fault'... pregnancy and childbirth drives most women at least a little nuts, some more than others, and some women have a few months of actual irrationality. There needs to be space in a loving marriage to accommodate that -- on a very short term basis.
There is a difference between allowing one's wife to "boss him around" and making allowances for her out of grace and love. I think the second plan is called for at this time in life, with a gentle redirection to a balanced relationship after a little while.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/7/2009 9:38:32 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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What counsel do you have available? You will probably need a third party to help you deal with this.
It sounds like your wife has been hurt a lot by your family, especially your mother. And bolt is right, pregnancy and postpartum hormons can make some of us ladies just a little nutty (sometimes manifested in oversensitivity, emotional outbursts, anger etc).
On the other hand, it is not right, if she is a Christian woman, for her to wallow in those feelings and bear grudges. Nor is it right for your mother to refuse to apologize.
Trying to play peacemaker between two angry women, both of whom you love, is not a very good position to be in. That's why I'd recommend bringing in someone else, who all of you respect and who can bring impartial and unemotional judgement into the equation.
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The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/8/2009 12:17:25 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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I have 2 step sons who havent always treated me (or their dad) very well and can be very selfish, bit it is certainly NOT my right to stop him from seeing them. That is just selfish and controlling. If I dont want to I dont have to see them, but he is their dad and it is important that he has a relationship with them, despite their selfishness and we have absolutely no reason to even think that this boy has been in anyway selfish.
There are some very controlling people out there who do actually try to keep their spouse away from their families, and having a baby is no excuse. It may well have happened long before the baby ever arrived anyway.
If he is happy that his wife is telling him what he can or cannot do, and who he is allowed to see, then fine, but that isnt a way a marriage should be.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/8/2009 6:30:47 AM
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Ngale
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Thank you for interesting in my problems.
I think I should ask "How to do?" instead of "What to do?". Because if I were someone stranger, I could advice myself, but in reality I cannot imagine a step toward the decision.
My first request on a little different aspect of the situation was posted here. Please refer for the details and the answers for some of your questions.
herestoresmysoul wrote:
quote:
Tell your mum what the problem is (you could write)and maybe she will appologise.
I tried. The problem is that my wife does not believe it. Unfortunately, she's very likely right. To clear it, let me explain how the wall has grown.
At the beginning, when we had just come, my wife thought almost highly of my relatives. But then changes went on.
1. She discovered that they are ill-mannered. And the point is not that they did not graduate Oxford. The point is that they call themselves Christians and behave much worse than secular people. She compares to her parents usually. Sometimes my cousin's words shocked my wife. But this was just a half of the brick.
2. My mother did not make a present for my wife as for a fiancee or a daughter-in-law. But she tried in a bad way. Better, if she would not. The mother promised to my wife to buy a scarf a number of times, although the wife said "Thank you, it's not necessary". That was shame for me, because if one is going to bring a gift, one just does so. But finally my mother gave money and told "Buy something for yourselves". That was greater shame. But my wife still had an intention to communicate.
3. My wife was registered at my aunt's flat. After a while suddenly the aunt refused registration to my wife, bringing excuses and making not trusted reasons. My wife still bore it.
4. My mother and her husband (who looks like the most sane and conscientious person of them) promised to buy either a car or a computer to help us starting. But finally they didn't. My wife kept relations.
5. My mother came during my absence and made various equvocal hints to my wife, like that she has spoken by phone to my former wife and the former wife names her "Ma" (my current wife treats by name). Or when my wife was ill, the mother asked her with distrust "Is it because of me?" Of course, no current wife wants to hear this kind of things. But mine stood.
6. Several times things happened like that. I talked a number of times, in the presence of my wife or without her. Finally, I took a desicion to call a family meeting and talk over all. At that meeting, the new point was encountered.
When my wife had to be registered at my aunt's flat, the clerk asked: " for 3 months or for 1 year?" My wife asked: " is it possible for 1 year? If so, yes." She thought this is better not to make an old woman move every three months for the procedure. My aunt signed the papers without any reluctance shown openly. And then she said at our meeting that they should register my wife for 3 months only, but my wife "poked her head into the reception window and they did what she wanted". I was discouraged with this foolness and just asked: "So, all this tme, over a year, you have been thinking my wife made a dishonest act?" And my aunt said: "It's like that".
That was too much.
How can we have dinner together? If they thought my wife was a deceiver, then they should rebuke this as Christians, and don't look for contacts. But if my wife is not guilty, then they are slanderers, and I rebuked them, and as so as they are not sorry, we must not have relations, in accordance with The New Testament.
That was about my aunt and her daughter mostly. The question about my mother was either she stays with me, or with my wife's enemy. In the first case my wife could forget that my mother hurted her also. But the mother said it's impossible to break relations with a sister.
After a while, in the morning at Easter, my mother called me and said "Forgive me". I was sleepy yet and told "Forgive me, too", and hung up. Then a great scandal fired at home, I called back, said mother not to call any more, and the last brick was laid into the wall.
herestoresmysoul wrote:
quote:
Do any of your family know about the baby?
I did not inform my mother and others. But my son called me on my birthday and I told him that he has got a sister, don't tell to anybody else. I don't know whether he kept a secret. At least, he told me that my mother came this year to see him, and that is her who has given him my phone number. And she has got the number from my work. My wife insisted on that I would tell at my work not to give my phone number to any outsider. But I think this was ignored.
Kat_D wrote:
quote:
Is your wife a Christian? If so, how does she justify her behavior in light of the Scriptures?
14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."-Hebrews 12
Is she? Am I? Or shall we ever be? Please read the link at the beginning for details. The only thing I can say is that she is very exact regarding others who pretends to be a Christian. And in response of your citation she would say "Yes, so we must be as far away from the bitter root (your dear damned mum) as possible" . Anyway, I'm not a one whom she's going to listen to. And there's nobody else whom I know to be allowed to preach her, just Christ Himself.
quote:
you need to take steps to change it.
Yes. How?
bolt wrote:
quote:
Has she shown signs of post-partum depression?
No. We have been waitng for that. I stayed with her during delivery. 2 years before the pregnancy with gemini interrupted. I thought we had been not forgiven by God. But suddenly we have got a healthy and beatiful girl, though doctors were not optimistic. The baby is the only reason to be happy for both me and her.
quote:
Was she more reasonable before she got pregnant (only taking offense at significant events?)
Same.
quote:
I think you should cuddle into the household with your wife and baby for a month or two, helping a lot with the home affairs
First weeks I left work 2-3 times a day to execute something for home. At my work, all comings and leavings are logged. Then my director had given me a list of my working time. That's why we called to my wife's parents asking her mother to come. She did so. Please see here.
quote:
Tell her that you are comfortable with a peaceable-but-distant relationship with your mom and/or son.
Yes, that's the only way, if there is one possible at all. For my wife, my mother is a demon, and making a connection with her is calling Satan.
quote:
Also, have you forgiven your mother for her actions?
At the beginning, not. But the problem is not my shame for her and not my offence. The problem is that they slander my wife and they must apologize. And after that, they must ask God for the same because my wife's parents and relatives now think that Christ does not save. I stood for my wife.
But now I changed a little. My wife is very exact to others but she seldom admits her own guilt. I mentioned that her mother came to help and to free me for work. And on the third day my wife called me at work and complained of her own mother that she does not want to do what is needed. Oh, God! If her mother cannot do what she wants, then who can? I was forced to come home. And some other happens prove that her relatives are just human beings with their own efforts and faults. Then why should my mother be special?
A few days later my wife bombarded me with abuse for something in presence of her mother. They were in the kitchen, and I was in the room. She spoke loudly for 40-50 minutes, so that our neighbours could hear. At last, I lost peace of my mind and we quarrelled. I was more patient before. Once she cried over 3 hours at me loudly in the kitchen, mentioning even my dead grandparents with bad words, although she's not seen them, and neighbours heard, I believe. Sometimes she beats me, twice injured my eye till it bled, once had beaten with a stick, so that my collegue who saw my arm on the third day, asked what's happened. Not so far she pointed a knife at me and I said "go on". The further we go the faster I lose self-control. I beat her in respond, and then I'm sorry feeling guilty.
For instance, yesterday it was a day-off, which I must use for extra work. I've got three offers last month, and took money in advance, but I'm not in time to complete, because 5 weeks passed, and it goes in the same way each time. She sleeps till 12 o'clock, then this and that, then she wants to walk with a baby, when it's already 16:00. I told I have to earn money because right now we have nothing and are supposed to pay for electricity and phone.
The problem is to find an offer, but also I must complete the previous ones before. She blamed me that I don't love the child. I said that I can stay with her all the day, then who is going to work? In this case, would not it better if my mother helped since your own is also not an angel? And the scandal began. For I mentioned my mother, she came up holding baby in arms and hit my head and face. 2 minutes later I almost was going to do the same.
Then I left for work, but in such cases I have a very bad mood, everything falls out of hands. And this happens 3 times a week. After a while she called me and told to buy something. She was more peaceful. But when we were going to sleep, we quarreled again.
Her parents came back to their country and told to others that "Grandmother does not come to see the granddaughter". And the others say: "What an awful woman!". But I ask: "How do you know that she is alive at all? Why don't you say to the others, that Grandmother has been told not to come at all?"
My wife says "May you die with your mother the snake, and I'll be free". And you know what? If my mother dies and somebody calls me (I really doubt), then I will buy a luxurious cake and flowers, and when my wife will ask what's the matter, I will just tell with smile that we've got good news, I will tell you later. I'll be merry and will dance. And when she eats the cake, and will be pleased and interested, I will announce: gladden yourself! My mother the snake has died.
Jesus said that nobody can steal us from His hands. Was our confession wrong? Has God cursed us? If so, then why has He given us such a baby? I'm absolutely sure that if things go like that (and I have not told much), then it's better for a child if we divorce.
I tried to make peace by keeping silence, by turning it into joke, by putting arms around, against desire - beating, and nothing helped generally. Recently I was successful being silent but she sent me outdoors at 3 o'clock, I slept in the car and got sick. Is it the way?
That's a pity I could not stay with silence. At least, she would not blame me for beating. It's really complicated because you never know where a talk ends and a quarrel starts. And anyway it's not good if a child observes such attitude to her father. But my position in my wife's eyes is not a husband, not a man at all, because have taken her from good conditions and put into troubles, cannot earn money, don't have a flat, and cannot nurse a baby, son of the snake. And since I'm nothing, I cannot control the family.
I never discussed this before thinking that it's not good talking of her, if she does not know, but it's all over, one lie less, one lie more - no difference. I want somebody to talk with.
Thank you and sorry if I won't be able to answer in full. I've spent the rest of night to write as much as possible.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/8/2009 9:21:42 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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Your marriage sounds like a disaster to be honest. Your wife beats you, she says terrible things to you and about your family. Why on earth did you marry her? Your home seems to be a war zone. You should never have to stay with a person who is physically or emotionally abusive.She had a poinsoned tongue and a cruel manner.
I have had lots of problems with my mother in law but would never ever speak about her in such a cruel way.
Honestly you need to do something here before you baby is bought up in this awful mess. Do you go to church?. Could you go to your pastor and get some help and counselling.? The next time she hits you or beats you get out , women are told not to put up with it so why should men have to?, It is totaly unnacceptable and she has real problems that she needs to sort out.
Because of her you are saying that you will celebrate if you mother dies? How awful. It wouldnt make any difference anyway as your wife would continue to be evil to everyone else and also to you unless something is done.
You are enabling her terrible behaviour by doing nothing. You need some godly help fast from your church and pastor unless you want your child to grow up like its mother. You wife is cruel manipualtive and controlling, and seems to have big problems with rebellion and pride also. Boy I feel so sorry for you.
God is not causing this, your wife is, and you are allowing it. The fact that you have a baby is not a sign of Gods blessing, anyone can have a baby.
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 11/8/2009 2:16:00 PM >
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/8/2009 10:05:51 AM
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bolt.
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From: Canada
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Friend, God has not abandoned you. God does not make these things happen in your life. Your wife is choosing sin after sin.
(1) She speaks vile words
(2) She wishes death on others
(3) She indulges in fits of rage
(4) She physically attacks people and incurs them
(5) She neglects her child
(6) She endangers her child's stability of mind
(7) She dishonours her husband
Now I will talk about your responsibilities:
(1) To follow the commands of the Bible regarding the sins your wife is choosing
.
These are all sins, and she must be confronted. Then you must separate from her, as the Bible commands, if she does not repent and turn her back on such things. If these actions bring her to repentance, you are free to reconcile - otherwise, you are going to have to live as a single father.
If you do have to separate, then custody arrangements will have to be made. Depending where you live, this might involve the court system.
If repentance and building of a healthy marriage is possible, you will need a good counsellor.
(2) To fulfil your covenant of care towards your child.
You are sinning against your child if you leave her in the care of someone who is likely to neglect her, endanger her mental stability, and possibly beat her if she becomes frustrating. Do not go on committing this sin.
Rather, ask yourself how you would go about caring for the child if it were your job. A lot of this depends on what country you are in. Who would you ask? Could you get daycare? Does the government offer any kind of help? Could you work nights?
Here is the fact: it is your job, before your God, to protect and care for your child. Your wife can not be left alone with the baby not protected from her - so if you can't find another solution, the only responsible and godly thing to do is to give the baby up for adoption or foster care. To do so is much better than to leave her alone with a known abuser. The law in the US, Canada and I think the UK supports this through the intervention of child protective services.
(3) To repent of your sins to God, and apologize to your wife (if you have not already).
And never NEVER again do such foul things as indulging your own rage by hitting or shouting again. You are a child of the light. You are free to live in the light - do not live like a slave to the darkness. It is only giving the devil credit if you go on talking about what provoked you to sin. That does not matter. Repentance matters.
If you can do these three things, you have a chance of having a healthy stable home with few sins in residence... but the way you discribe it now is a disaster, and God must be with you as you are strong in His will to make it right.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/9/2009 12:56:28 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1451
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I agree with everything bolt wrote.
You have a serious mess on your hands here. Dangerous to your baby, yourself, and your wife.
I'm not sure if I missed it, but what country are you in? You may not have counselor's offices as we do in the States, or you may not be able to afford professional counseling, but surely there is a Godly pastor or a local elder (or counsel of elders) that can help you sort this out?
In the West we tend to think of mental illness when confronted by behavior like your wife's. I still think postpartum depression (or psychosis  ) is a real possibility even if it hasn't been diagnosed. That is something to consider seriously but I wonder too if it is possible that there is a spiritual aspect to what is going on with her. Is it possible that she has been involved with anything that would lead her into spiritual oppression?
Those were my thoughts about the spitual aspect.I know a lady with some of the similar problems as this lady and God has confirmed to us that she does indeed have spirits operating in her.(in her case of manipulation, control and pride) She may need some deep ministry from a godly pastor. Do you both go to church?if you dont I think you need to asap.
3capps I think he said that these problems started well before the baby
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/9/2009 10:08:54 AM
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Ngale
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Thank you all.
To 3cappuccinosmom:
1. We live in Russia now.
2. We knew an extra sense man before we become Christians. Is that a kind of what you mean? By the way, that man proposed my wife to be a somewhat contacter, but she disagreed.
To herestoremysoul:
I wrote about going to church in 'Prayer And Praise Report', subject 'A Family At A Headlock'
Yesterday, she apologized without an incitement from me. She told that I'm the only man she ever needs, that I'm careful, that I should not believe what she had said before. And I know she says sincerely. Actually she never tells lies knowingly, and does not accept this from others. She's very strict following this principle. If I forget to do something, she certainly tries to clear: did I really forget or that is just clearing myself. Always telling either truth or nothing is her advantage and it's very seldom found in the world.
That's why I'd like to find out not breaking off. When I'm full of emotions, I think in approximately that way bolt has written above. And I'm afraid one day this may have use. At least, I read your advice thoughtfully. But I look for reconciliation by all means, and so does she.
Today, the problem seems to be solved, but this happens regularly. After a while something happens and it starts again. Perhaps, I hang a towel in a wrong way, or I forget to do, or I bought not the exact kind of cheese... then I'm a son of my mother who is... and so on.
I can listen to this for a half an hour or more, and if God supports, maybe won't reply at all despite of whatever has been said about whoever. I don't even care much if the neighbours hear. But how should I behave if she curses at me putting arms on the cot while the baby is sleeping in there?
I'm not better since I'm doing the same in response, and the reason to write here is not to blame her or protect myself. The aim is peace, and peace with my mother is mostly desirable. But peace agreed yesterday does not imply my mother's participation. A hint word of her will split everything to pieces.
My wife is not a monster. Moreover, I believe she is a victim. She bore some events in her adolescence and those have had an effect on her mind. She is absolutely, absolutely normal if you see her, but has a lack of patience. And I cannot leave her alone, because we are in another city, and she has nobody here to take care of her. Getting back to the parents in another country is problematic due to some circumstances, but if this happens, there is no good in it. Her parents are obliging, and she will get necessary care and aid, but she won't feel that kind of love she very needs. And though she says of another husband to vex me, but actually she holds the opinion that only one is allowed, that's why she says me in the certain cases: "Better if you die".
* So, I'm absolutely sure that it's terrible for her and baby to separate.
* And I'm absolutely sure that it's terrible if the baby grows along cursing, shouting, with no difference whether I reply or not.
This makes me think "What to do?"
* There are just two reasons for which the next quarrel is awaited. If I forget to close up the door or if my mother comes into our talk. This makes me think "How to do?"
The only solution seems to be the third part. But none is present. Anybody from the church we visited before would be told by my wife to correct himself first, if such a meeting could happen at all. She avoids meetings and any kind of counselor. And the other churches cannot compete with ours. She relies mostly on teaching of this church, not comparing much, not critisizing others much, not speaking much on the subject. But there is no one alive person whom she trusts.
So I hope just for wonder.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/9/2009 12:45:26 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3556
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Does Russia have a system to protect children and deal with family abuse? Is there a social work system? A social worker who could advise about the best legal way to protect your baby?
The problem is, you are right that you are stuck with two bad options. A baby needs it's mother. But a baby also needs to be safe. If your wife is a danger to your baby, it is terrible for the child to be taken away, but it might be a necessary temporary solution until you can get help for your wife. If you can legally get full custody of the baby, I would do it.
It would be better for your child to grow up with a loving, emotionally stable, healthy mother.
However, if that is not possible, it is that much more important that your child has a father who is loving, healthy, stable, self-controlled, and Godly. If you cannot fix things with your wife, you need to purpose to pour your life into protecting, trainining, loving and setting a righteous example for your child to follow.
_____________________________
Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/9/2009 2:04:23 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1756
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
I can listen to this for a half an hour or more, and if God supports, maybe won't reply at all despite of whatever has been said about whoever. I don't even care much if the neighbours hear. But how should I behave if she curses at me putting arms on the cot while the baby is sleeping in there?
This listening to her while she is sinning condones and encourages her sin. It is not the right response for a Christian. The right response is to say calmly, like an administrator, "Will you stop shouting? Or shall I go for a walk until you are ready to speak as an adult?" If she answers by shouting, then you go for a walk (or a drive, or to a shopping area, anywhere) and you take the baby with you because if the mother is angry, the baby is not safe.
This separates the baby from the mother as often as needed, but only for a few hours. (After a few hours you go home and try to act normally, as if you had just gone out for errands.) Hopefully your wife will begin to control her rage because she does not want you to take this action. To teach her this, you will need to do it every time. No more sitting and listening. Ask the question, put on your shoes, pick up the baby and leave. She may shout, you do not. That's the new plan for you household.
quote:
And I cannot leave her alone, because we are in another city, and she has nobody here to take care of her. Getting back to the parents in another country is problematic due to some circumstances, but if this happens, there is no good in it. Her parents are obliging, and she will get necessary care and aid, but she won't feel that kind of love she very needs.
I don't understand what this sentence means, perhaps because we come from different cultures. What kind of 'care' does your wife need? Why does she need someone to care for her? Is she ill?
Do you mean you couldn't leave her alone (without the baby) for a few hours, or for a few weeks -- or that you could not separate from her or divorce her permanently.
When or why would she move back in with her parents?
And if she did, and wasn't well loved there, wouldn't that be on her own head for refusing to learn how to treat a good husband with love and honour, even given many chances to do so?
quote:
* So, I'm absolutely sure that it's terrible for her and baby to separate.
* And I'm absolutely sure that it's terrible if the baby grows along cursing, shouting, with no difference whether I reply or not.
This makes me think "What to do?"
Yes, it would be terrible to separate them, but if the mother can't stop her abuse, neglect and sin against the child, then you must do the right thing. It is best for a child to grow up in the care of a loving father, than to grow up in the care of an abusive mother while an unloving father watches. What to do? Try to show your wife you are serious about protecting the child, by taking her away for a few hours if she is angry. If that doesn't work, separate from your wife, and take the child, for a few weeks or months -- maybe that will be enough for her to abandon her sins. If that doesn't work, the child is yours, and you must raise her as well as you can, within the laws of your country.
Try to avoid what causes a quarrel, but when she becomes enraged, no matter what it is about, go away for a few hours (with the baby) so she has no one to rage against.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/9/2009 2:30:23 PM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
Does Russia have a system to protect children and deal with family abuse? Is there a social work system? A social worker who could advise about the best legal way to protect your baby?
Thank you.
Yes, it does. In practice, they protect women only. The legal advise is useless in this case. If you knew my wife, you would agree. I have never met such a human being. If somebody would bereave her of the child, she would do whatever you can imagine, and over that, to get it back. If she would not succeed, she would go mad or even die, because the baby is everything for her. Imagine a tigress with a litter or I don't know...
She cannot behave herself, that's it.
And, of course, nobody will take good care about not own child. It will be wet, hungry and lonely. No, I cannot imagine I do this. Then it would be better if I leave, and let the baby be grown in one whole manner. Children not always do what their parents did. Alcoholics may have a son who hates alcohol, and respectable parents may get a thief.
quote:
If you cannot fix things with your wife, you need to purpose to pour your life into protecting, trainining, loving and setting a righteous example for your child to follow.
Yes, if I could know how. But anyway, we have no other choice.
quote:
She may be able to put on a "normal face" for others, but her behavior in relationships that are supposed to be close and loving is not normal and not healthy
She does not put on any mask. If she is angry at the person, nothing will make her smile. If she likes somebody, she pays no coin that someone important does not like this man. She does not play theater.
So, the only way I get to go is patience.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/9/2009 2:35:56 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1756
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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Can you at very least take the baby and yourself to another room and close the door while she rages?
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/10/2009 6:50:17 AM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
The right response is to say calmly, like an administrator, "Will you stop shouting? Or shall I go for a walk until you are ready to speak as an adult?" If she answers by shouting,
'Go for a walk' - that's what she commands me to do at such a moment. And she adds: 'forever'. When I go calm through all the incident, she feels a little guilty but next time repeats. If I left home by her command, then she blames me for neglecting home affairs. If I took a decision myself, then she blames for flirting outdoors or at work.
quote:
What kind of 'care' does your wife need? Why does she need someone to care for her? Is she ill?
I took her from her parents' home. They had a house which was condemned for destruction. Now they are provided with a flat instead. If she stayed with them, the giving flat would have one more room for her. So, I've bereft her of home, parents, relatives, friends, and - she thinks - career. She doesn't work since we married. If I leave her, I must compensate her with at least home. Otherwise this is foul.
All the steps around are impossible because of poor financial position. I spend my salary from the legal work for the rented flat and a part for the bank credit. The rest is zero, and I always look for extra offers to do. I have time to sleep from 03:30 to 06:50 or so. Walking with the baby is possible 2 times a week 20 minutes each. Any next month may bring nothing, and I cannot think up anything. So, it's impossible for me to teach my wife lessons of good behaviour by long actions.
If we were in touch with my mother, it could be easier. But my wife is not a one who changes one's mind just for practical reasons. The only way is if my mother apologized.
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Can you at very least take the baby and yourself to another room and close the door while she rages?
No, if I don't want the baby to be torn in half-and-half.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/12/2009 9:24:29 AM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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Today quarreling again.
Last month I had got 3 offers to work in addition to my permanent job. Of course, this should be done within free time - eveneings, days off. But the wife asked to stay with the baby every day and to help with affairs, because she is tired. I did so, because she really is. As a result, I'm not in time to complete the work and now we have nothing to pay for electricity and phone. The last money is spent today for "Pampers", baby mixture and a piece of bread for ourselves.
Last night I worked till 04:00 AM and then served the baby. In the morning, my wife asked me to stay for 15 minutes to let her take a nap for this time. These '15 minutes' started at 08:15 AM and finished near 12:00. And then I must help some more, then go for shopping as said above, and finally I'd come to work at 15:00. Who is going to have such an employee? I wonder why don't they sack me so far.
So, I have a heap to do at various works. And I cannot earn money. And of course, my wife says I'm a bad father and a bad husband because of that. Well, let me be, but what must I do to manage this?
And I told her, why should not we ask my mother to assist while I'm working. Is this situation better? But my wife hates even mentioning. I tried to leave quickly for work.
Yes, by justice, my mother should apologize. But how to make her do, if my wife says that one call will mean that I'm a betrayer because of calling to her enemy.
We are about to divorce. I cannot see another way.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/12/2009 9:29:15 AM
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Ngale
Posts: 18
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline
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I can't imagine how I'm going to feel missing my dear child.
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RE: Either Wife Or Mother - 11/12/2009 12:12:30 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1756
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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It must be hard for you to imagine your wife angry.
You must find the strength to do the right things, and let her feel any way she wants to feel.
She can ask you to stay with the baby and help with affairs, but if you decide it is more important to be earning necessary money, you say, "No. I won't. I'm going to work. I will help with affairs when I return." Then turn your back on any thing she begins to shout, and go do what needs doing. If she (nicely) requests that you stay for 15 minutes, you can do that. For 15 minutes. Then wake her, hand her the baby and go.
(Only do the above if you believe she will not hurt the baby in her anger. If you believe she will, consider taking the baby to work with you, or to a care centre.)
If she needs to shop, she will find a way to do it. However, I'm concerned that you are using "Pampers and baby mixture" in your financial situation. Why are you not using (and washing) cloth diapers -- you could change to that now and save a lot of money. It's a real surprise that your wife chose not to nurse the baby though.
Stop mentioning your mother as a helper. Nobody wants a helper they hate. It's not a solution to your problem. It's making it worse.
If your wife is not ill, and not depressed, she should be able to care for her own baby. She will if she has to. She will if you get divorced. It's tiring, but it is not actually that hard. She's a grown woman and she needs to figure out her new life as being a responsible mother to her child... and that's not going to happen as long as you do whatever she says when she becomes angry.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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