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Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/22/2009 7:27:04 PM
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Dopii
Posts: 3
Joined: 10/22/2009
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The short story is that another homeschool mom is draining me: both my time and my nerves!
The long story is that my sixteen-year-old son was extremely isolated while we lived in a rural area. He was frankly lonely and I was praying desperately the Lord would RESCUE him. Well, we moved, and the Lord DID rescue my son. There's a lot more home schoolers here, and my son made a best friend who is the neatest kid EVER. They have everything in common! Had I held job interviews for a perfect best friend for my son, I could not have picked a better friend for my son. That's how good the Lord is.
The problem is the mom. I don't dislike her. That's not the problem. But, because she did not want to leave her son with a stranger at first, she always came over and stayed while the boys hung out. She also brought her two much younger kids (ages four and six). Well, now we know each other well enough to allow the boys to sleep over with each other. But we kind of established a pattern there at first. Every Friday, they'd come over at 3:00 and stay until about 6:00. Then it go to be more like 7:00 or 7:30. My husband comes home anywhere between 5:30 and 7:30 and he goes to sleep at 9:00, so that was becoming a real problem because that's our only time to talk (and we're under stress from stuff, so we do need to talk every evening). Then a homeschool coop computer class came up, and it runs from 1:00 to 3:00 on Fridays. So this mom said she didn't want to waste the gas going home (she lives in the country), and could she hang out with me. So that made our Fridays together from 1:00 to about 7:30. In other words, the whole afternoon and half the evening! Then the other day she called and asked if her son could hang out with mine while she took her six-year-old to Daisy Scouts on Thursdays. I had a sick feeling about it, but said OK. Sure enough, now she comes early for that, leaves for an hour-and-a-half, then hangs around here for hours. So I'm losing Thursday afternoons too. They're slowly being encroached away, just like Fridays were.
Her little kids eat all our food. They walk in and say they're hungry and start tearing open the cabinets. Part of that was my fault. When they first started coming over, I had Cheetos and stuff trying to be a good hostess. I had also told them the first time they came over not to go upstairs, as that's where the teenagers live and they don't want their stuff being messed up by little kids (OK, I didn't say that last part - I was nice about it :-) But now they go upstairs and drive my daughter insane.
Though this mom and I are friends, she talks for hours and just won't leave. I have to watch the caller ID or else I'll be stuck on the phone for hours with her. I've already offended her once doing that. And her little kids make both my teens and me extremely nervous as the visits wear on and don't end.
The kicker is that my husband and are in financial distress. I'm trying to run a business, working from home, that has real potential. We moved it from the other area and know we can make it work here if we can just get it up and running again. By the time I take care of the homeschooling it's usually early afternoon, so I have limited time to work and I need every second. No work, no contracts! I always tell this mom that I have to work, but she doesn't stop talking. Her only job is homeschooling. So I just sit there for hours becoming more and more nervous, thinking about all the work I want, have, and NEED to do.
I can't risk offending her. I can't risk insulting her because I HAVE to keep my son's friendship intact. He was too isolated for too long!!! I'm not good at confrontation at all (obviously). But I just can't risk losing Thursday afternoons on top of losing Fridays.
I prayed about this and got the idea to post to crosswalk.com. I haven't posted here in years, but am hoping for some help. God bless you for any advice!
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/22/2009 8:07:32 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 1433
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dopii
I can't risk offending her. I can't risk insulting her because I HAVE to keep my son's friendship intact. He was too isolated for too long!!! I'm not good at confrontation at all (obviously). But I just can't risk losing Thursday afternoons on top of losing Fridays.
I prayed about this and got the idea to post to crosswalk.com. I haven't posted here in years, but am hoping for some help. God bless you for any advice!
I can sympathize with you. Been there, done that. I know it can be really tough to politely get the message across to someone who is uncouth, but you've already got a great answer in your post. You need to work. That's your out right there. Tell the woman you have to work and you have no choice -- which apparently is the truth, so you should have no problem saying it without worrying about giving offense. Guess what? even with a great reason like that, you may still offend her. So should fear motivate you? Should you put up with her inconsideration while building resentment toward her? Do either one of those things sound like things the scriptures instruct us to do -- whether we're dealing with a Christian or a non-Christian? In other words, are you living the way the Lord instructs by taking this approach with this woman?
In the interest of not offending you, let me just say again that I've been in your shoes, and I had to ask myself the same questions I'm asking you.
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bZirk
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/22/2009 9:24:04 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 1433
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
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Excellent advice to deal with this in the short term!
In the long run though, the need to avoid confrontation and fear about maintaining your son's friendships at this cost should be dealt with.
_____________________________
bZirk
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/23/2009 7:49:38 AM
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shadowspring
Posts: 620
Joined: 5/27/2006
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The way you have kept all your unhappiness about this arrangement to yourself from the beginning is really detrimental to having healthy relationships. It says that you have a low opinion of your neighbor, that they can't handle the truth or won't like you if you share your true self with them. That is a bad way to start a friendship.
People can only respond to what you say to them and demonstrate towards them. If you demonstrate nothing but welcome when they initially began coming over, how are they supposed to know they have overstayed their welcome now? If you never asked them to bring snacks, leave when your husband gets home, how can they know to do these things?
Why didn't you just call them before they came over once to say something like "I don't have any snacks to offer today. Can you bring some?" Or, "I love hanging out but I am getting farther and farther behind in my work. How about you just drop the sixteen year old off on Thursdays and we can hang out on Fridays? But I need you to leave as soon as my husband gets home. He didn't say anything at first, but it's come to my attention that it does bother him to have company when he gets home, so could you guys leave by 4:00 on Friday?"
You are writing as if this mom is rude and overbearing, but it seems to me that from the very beginning she was open and honest. She asked to stay at your house because she didn't want to spend the gas on the activity otherwise (you wrote that she lives way out in the country) and you agreed.
I don't believe the fault lies with her. It would have been very easy to ask her to bring snacks, leave earlier, or just say Thursday weren't working for you. But by putting it off until you have already begun to resent her, now that makes it awkward!
As I often tell my introverted daughter, people are messy and inconvenient. Love them anyway. If you want friends, you will have to give up your comfort zone at times. But remember God loves a cheerful giver; he does not want us to give under compulsion.
So next time you find yourself feeling compelled to give something you don't want to: unlimited snacks, hospitality, etc., be honest and kind to both yourself and your neighbor. Find the courage to say no, set limits, ask for help.
If you had done this from the beginning, there would be no resentment on your part or hurt feelings on her part. So do try to be honest from the beginning in future friendships, and never give more than you can give cheerfully. Everyone will be happier for it! 
ps If it really is an inconvenient drive for her, why don't you offer to pick her son up and bring him to your house and back so the boys can hang out? Seems only fair to me. Maybe even a win-win?
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/23/2009 10:52:39 AM
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crankius
Posts: 3750
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Bzirk and Shadowspring are really hitting on the bottom line truth of your situation.
quote:
The way you have kept all your unhappiness about this arrangement to yourself from the beginning is really detrimental to having healthy relationships. It says that you have a low opinion of your neighbor, that they can't handle the truth or won't like you if you share your true self with them. That is a bad way to start a friendship.
True.
It means being able to say with confidence, "It's been so fun to visit with you. I've got to make dinner now and prepare for our family evening time. Let's have the kiddos clean up." Sometimes when I have friends over, I let them know ahead of time when the visit will have to end because I have other things to tend to. Everyone understands, because all of us are busy moms with lots to do.
It's ok and in fact very good to be more firm about the kiddos playing upstairs, and when and where you are willing to have the kiddos play, and what they can eat, etc.
Do you know someone who is very kind but assertive at the same time? Maybe it will help you to picture that person as you start to be more assertive with your friend. 
Be prepared--your friend may be very kind and understanding about these requests, but she may feel offended. However she responds, your being assertive and honest with grace and kindness is definitely the way to go.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
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wepanicinapew 
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/24/2009 2:08:52 AM
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Dopii
Posts: 3
Joined: 10/22/2009
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I truly hope you all get to read my THANKS.
I read your posts before she came over and had time to digest them a bit. The problem is I have to put my son first. Otherwise I think I'd just cut and run. In all honesty, I've a long history of avoiding confrontation until I'm so overcome with resentment that I wind up just killing a relationship entirely. But when she got here I asked her to take the boys to computer class without me because I was working, and when they got back I asked her to wait until I'd finished what work HAD to be done today. It was awkward and awful, but she didn't take her son and leave, so I guess it worked out OK. I think I can and should continue to give up Friday afternoons because of my son, but I'm going to practice telling her I can't do Thursday any more. That's what had me so upset last night. I also confronted her today about her little ones getting into my son's teenage stuff. That was VERY awkward, and she actually got angry, but I managed to get through that too.
Thanks so much for the advice. God bless you for taking the TIME to write!
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/24/2009 4:16:21 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 6994
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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I would love to avoid conflict. Most people would. However, that isn't realistic if we have good boundaries. I am impressed with the improvements you have already made. Ask the Lord for his wisdom and strength to deal with this His way and He will guide and help you. It sounds like you are off to a terrific start.
Could your son pick his friend up or take him home sometimes? Does either young man drive?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/25/2009 1:50:47 AM
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Dopii
Posts: 3
Joined: 10/22/2009
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Not sure if anyone is still with this thread, so maybe I'm just thinking out loud ... nevertheless, I was mowing today and realized I haven't been truthful with myself. I've been just a big fat liar. I really don't like this other mom. I don't like her little kids either. I absolutely dread spending time with them. I just want my son to keep this friend. Weirdly, I felt better admitting that. Didn't last long. I found out within that SAME hour that my sister-in-law, who I haven't seen in three months is (I quote) "avoiding me." Her husband is my brother-in-law and he came clean about why we never see them anymore. She doesn't like me. I thought: So she feels about me like I feel about this other mom? My feelings were HURT, obviously. I keep thinking: OK, I'm not a people person. If God had wanted me to have a different personality, He would have given me one. On a deeper level, I'm not sure what to make of all this, but I am thinking it's all part of this upheaval and chaos of the last year ... financial disasters, health problems, relationships. I'm convinced I'm supposed to be learning something, or changing somehow, or ... something. I just wish I knew what, and how, and had the strength to do it. Anyway, thanks for the support, whoever you are. Hope to meet you in heaven someday. Seriously.
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/25/2009 4:13:49 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 1433
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dopii
Not sure if anyone is still with this thread, so maybe I'm just thinking out loud ... nevertheless, I was mowing today and realized I haven't been truthful with myself. I've been just a big fat liar. I really don't like this other mom. I don't like her little kids either. I absolutely dread spending time with them. I just want my son to keep this friend. Weirdly, I felt better admitting that. Didn't last long. I found out within that SAME hour that my sister-in-law, who I haven't seen in three months is (I quote) "avoiding me." Her husband is my brother-in-law and he came clean about why we never see them anymore. She doesn't like me. I thought: So she feels about me like I feel about this other mom? My feelings were HURT, obviously. I keep thinking: OK, I'm not a people person. If God had wanted me to have a different personality, He would have given me one. On a deeper level, I'm not sure what to make of all this, but I am thinking it's all part of this upheaval and chaos of the last year ... financial disasters, health problems, relationships. I'm convinced I'm supposed to be learning something, or changing somehow, or ... something. I just wish I knew what, and how, and had the strength to do it. Anyway, thanks for the support, whoever you are. Hope to meet you in heaven someday. Seriously.
I'm still with it (and obviously others are as well), but I'm still thinking about your last two posts. Lots of things I could say, but I want to say the right things. Just know that I and others are praying for you, and that you do have the strength 'cause the Lord's with you every step of the way. Frankly, your last post is very encouraging. That kind of honesty takes strength of spirit.
Sorry about your sister-in-law, but it sounds like this revelation is having a good effect.
_____________________________
bZirk
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 10/27/2009 12:43:18 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 620
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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(((dopii)))
I pray that the love of God will heal your hurt feelings and give you strength.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Another homeschool mom draining me - 11/5/2009 8:52:32 AM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 804
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: online
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The truth is, some people really don't get it. When I was first pregnant with my dd, we were friends with a couple that would come over in the evening and stay and stay and stay. They would stay until 1am. My poor husband would pass out in his chair,the dogs fell asleep, and I would keep saying that I was tired because we normally go to bed at 9-10pm as we are early risers. Nope, they didn't leave.
The next time they came over, I warned in advance that would could not stay up late. It was Friday night, we had both worked all week, and I was in my first trimester of pregnancy. We could not stay up past 10pm. Well, 10pm rolled around and there they sat. So I start with we are tired and need to go to bed. When that didn't work, I say it was great to have you but you have to leave now because I have to go to bed. They still didn't leave! At 11pm, I went to bed, my husband had fallen asleep in the chair, and I told them to close the door when they left. Do you know they still stay for a bit????
That was the last time we had them over. I was amazed, simply amazed.
_____________________________
Karen
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