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Anger issues - 9/23/2008 10:22:37 AM
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kiara_tiara
Posts: 4
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline
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I have been a follower of Christ for years. At the age of 26, I married a wonderful man. He still is...supportive, loving, encouraging, and he just baptized 2 weeks ago. But the is a problem...me.
I grew up without a father. My mother was sometimes verbally abusive. In my adolescent years, she humiliated me in front of my friends and never let me go on outings with friends. At the age of 21, I was already on my fifth year in college but decided that she would never let me do anything for myself. Maybe I was wrong...
Anyway, I joined the military and spent 4 years of my life there. This is when I married this great man; who also left the military once we had children. He wanted to be there for them, and give them a steady life without the constant travel.
Long story short, I am disrespectful towards him. I speak in an obscene language many times, and even tell him that I don't trust him. I've had this in prayer for the longest time. How can I be this way? Today, as a Psychology major, I understand that this probably comes from my youth. A family bonded by anger, and many complexes.
I thank God every day for my husband, but I don't think he can do the same for me (although he tells me). My husband tells me "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you--God made you to be great." I do not want to ruin my marriage. I need to be the wife he deserves, the wife that God has sent me to be. I thought professional help would be a good way, but in the end, only the Lord can change an individual. I need God's healing and believe that he is working with me today.
Would you pray for my transformation? What else would you tell me?
Be blessed!
_____________________________
Hugs! Kiara_Tiara
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RE: Anger issues - 9/23/2008 11:06:17 AM
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restinginHim
Posts: 432
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kiara_tiara... I have been a follower of Christ for years.... My husband tells me "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you--God made you to be great." ...I need God's healing and believe that he is working with me today. Be blessed!
Welcome Kiara_Tiara! Wow GOD is awesome! Just reading your story i am struck by how wonderful He is! Your life - the beautiful life GOD has given you - with each breath is about to become each and every day more magnificent in giving Him glory! Please know blessed sister, that Jesus can put to death your old life of disappointments, resentments, anger, regrets and give you today a brand new life. One where He has freed you to be whom God created you to be. The very same one your husband sees in you.
Heavenly Father, in the name of Your Beloved Son, Jesus, please continue to let Your Will be done in kiara_tiara's life and her husband's. Please LORD by Your Mercy, bless her with the power of forgiveness and as the door closes to her verbal abusiveness open the door for her to be the wife that You sent her to be! PRAISE JESUS!
_____________________________
"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love." John 15:9
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RE: Anger issues - 9/23/2008 2:33:03 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 781
Joined: 11/28/2005
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It's true God can help bring about change in your life...
you also have a part to play in the matter... a brokenness over
your behavior/reaction... and every time you mess up with your husband ask him to forgive you for the language you used with him.
Renew your mind daily upon the word of the Lord... apply it in your life.
Cast down thoughts that are contrary to scripture.
Play Christian music in your home and in private times(sing along)... I've found that helps ease daily stress and changes the atmosphere in the home.
*Spend more time with mature Christians, turn off the worldly programs on tv... carefully select movies, books, music and friends...
like the old saying - too much junk food(worldliness) isn't good for you.
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RE: Anger issues - 9/23/2008 2:39:17 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2528
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I think you've made a huge first step in recognizing that you have a problem and that you are in the wrong.
So many people refuse to do that, and continue in misery thinking everything is someone else's fault.
So kudos to you! 
Honestly, you can search your past for reasons and analyze it all you want, but ultimately there's nothing you can do about that. What's done is done. What you can change is your thought patterns and your behavior today. You need new habits.  When you find yourself saying something mean or disrespectful to your husband, stop yourself in the middle of it, apologize, and correct yourself. If you find yourself mentally running through a list of all the bad stuff that's happened to you or all your husband's faults, put that aside and make up a new mental list to review--all the blessings God has given to you and all the reasons your husband is wonderful.
I believe wholeheartedly that God will transform you. I also believe that he may very well require you to put in a little effort into that transformation as well.  Instead of analyzing your history, analyze your in-the-moment behavior ("Why am I feeling this way? Why am I taking my hurt out on my husband? Is this going to make me feel better? Is saying this going to help or hurt my marriage? Is saying this going to capture my husband's heart or send him running?") and practice being very deliberate in what you say and how your treat your husband.
ETA: I know lots of people hate Dr. Laura, but since you're already wanting to change and you have clarity that it's your behavior that's the problem, I think you actually might find her books Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and Stop Whining, Start Living encouraging and helpful. Your local library probably has copies. IMO, you only need to read them once, so you don't need to buy them. 
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
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RE: Anger issues - 9/23/2008 4:59:11 PM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 108
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline
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I have struggled with an anger issue. I came from a verbally abusive household. It did help me to go back and see where I came from to better understand where I was and to see the root of some of my issues. However, the most important thing to me was to then take responsibility for my actions and emotions. I am a grown woman so I cannot blame today on my parents actions tomorrow.
I have come a long way but I will still stop in the middle of saying something and apologize. I have an incredibly loving husband and he has shown me a great deal of grace in dealing with this problem.
I agree with jamiestarcross about surrounding yourself with things of God. My anger flares when I spend too much time in with the things of the world. The more I immerse myself in God, His Word, and His people, the better I do.
I am so happy you recognize this problem It is so hard to admit our flaws. You can overcome this. All things are possible in Christ.
Karen
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RE: Anger issues - 10/3/2008 9:12:27 AM
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danivrich
Posts: 12
Joined: 9/10/2008
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realizing you have a problem, admitting it to yourself and others, and asking for help is a huge step in the right direction. i used to be you, kiara_tiara! i was such a rotten wife - always yelling at my husband, always putting him down, being disrespectful. over time, God revealed to me that the crux of the problem was a feeling of low self-worth and low self-esteem that started in childhood when my mom would tell me i was worthless and lazy and wouldn't amount to anything. i recently went on an encounter at my wonderful church and i was able to forgive my mom for the hurtful things she said and all the wrong words that she spoke in my life. i didn't turn into the perfect wife overnight, but i have noticed a difference and so has my husband. it's not easy to forgive those who have hurt us, especially when that person is a parent. but it is necessary. Jesus forgave every single one of us. we have to forgive, too. i pray in the name of Jesus that you are able to forgive your mom for speaking lies to you as a child. i pray that God begin a work on your heart that will transform you. you will be the wife that God made you to be. your life and your marriage will be blessed in ways you can't even imagine. Heavenly Father, bless this woman. You know her heart, dear Lord, and You know her problems. help her, God. heal her. cover her marriage with Your protective arms, Lord, and keep it safe from harm. in Jesus' name i do pray.
kiara_tiara, keep praying! never give up! we're praying for you!!
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RE: Anger issues - 10/3/2008 4:47:19 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2851
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
I recently went on an encounter at my wonderful church and i was able to forgive my mom for the hurtful things she said and all the wrong words that she spoke in my life. i didn't turn into the perfect wife overnight, but i have noticed a difference and so has my husband.
Yes. Forgiveness really is the key. Unforgiveness keeps chains of bitterness and anger wrapped around us. That anger and bitterness becomes redirected towards others...our spouse, children, coworkers, waitresses, the guy in the blue sedan who just stole your parking space...
I suggest that you take plenty of prayer time and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you who you are angry with and why. Write them down. Start forgiving. This is a journey of forgiveness and it will take time. As you deal with the roots of your anger, you can then deal with the habits of anger.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Anger issues - 10/4/2008 1:53:52 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Our poor husbands. They have to bear the brunt of our yuckiness because they are a handy target when we are feeling out of sorts.
Except I really really believe that those words you throw at him like a weapon, do wound him and do do damage to him and to your marriage. Yes he forgives but what does he do with those words? Do they go around and around in his head like your mother's words do in your head? When hes tired and weary of your mouth how does he defend his spirit from those words? How does he protect his heart from those words. Words are so powerful. God hears those words too. And if you have children they hear them.
You do have a choice to either turn into your mother or to stop the abuse in your generation.
Please get the book, "Love and Respect" by Dr. Eggerich. It will help you.
I think if you could really see the damage your words do, you'll stop this.
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