Advice on telling someone something they don't want to hear
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Advice on telling someone something they don't want to ... - 9/27/2008 5:10:41 PM
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RubySparkles
Posts: 267
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
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Hi guys,
OK I've decided. I want to go to a different church. I just need to spend some time somewhere else. I just want to know what else there is, what I can learn.
At my church tomorrow they're having the final part of their 'dedication' weekend. I went on Friday and the central theme was 'give us your money, all of it so that it really damages your finances, and you'll have a breakthrough of equal impact'. Tomorrow I have to wear white to the service, because dressing the same on 'special' days also apparently makes a difference.
I have stopped reading my bible and find praying quite difficult. I cannot find any motivation and I just think 'ok I'm a christian (I got baptised last weekend) and there is God, but so what?' God will not necessarily do anything for me whether I read/pray or not so I'll just wait and see if anything happens. I've tried doing things for him, like trying to run a Sunday School, which failed because of lack of support. However, I'll still bless my food and I think I asked the other day for healing for my mother. Which brings me on to the problem.
I live with my mother. She will not be happy when I say I want to go elsewhere. I think it's a combination of her wanting to control me and also not wanting to go to church by herself. I feel guilty (only female child of a single mother syndrome) but I don't want to be responsible for my mother's happiness.
I need help with how to say something I need to say but I'm afraid. The last time I so dramatically went against what my mother wanted was when I went to live in a different country for 2.5 years. Greatest thing I ever did.
_____________________________
Lord, all our success is because of what you have done, so give us peace.
Is 26:12
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RE: Advice on telling someone something they don't want... - 9/27/2008 9:58:12 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5403
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: offline
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quote:
Tomorrow I have to wear white to the service, because dressing the same on 'special' days also apparently makes a difference. Ummm... a difference to who? It sound more a superstition than anything else.
quote:
I have stopped reading my bible and find praying quite difficult. I cannot find any motivation and I just think 'ok I'm a christian (I got baptised last weekend) and there is God, but so what?' God will not necessarily do anything for me whether I read/pray or not so I'll just wait and see if anything happens. I've tried doing things for him, like trying to run a Sunday School, which failed because of lack of support. However, I'll still bless my food and I think I asked the other day for healing for my mother. Which brings me on to the problem. It can be hard to continue to read and pray at times ~ for a whole bunch of reasons and we don't always see that God is working in our lives at a particular time, but He's always there. Can I encourage you to perhaps read the gospel of John. Not to study, just to read the way you'd read a novel. As for praying, start by saying 'Good morning Father' ~ which is pretty much the way you'd greet someone in everyday life. You need to start restoring communication between you and God and any small steps you can take are better than nothing.
I'm not sure what you want God to do in your life ~ but one thing I know is that doing something for Him will not necessary lead to Him 'doing something for us'. I don't know fully why the Sunday School failed, other than lack of support ~ but part of the reason was because you were doing something in order to get something from God, not because you had a calling to do something.
It's not necessarily wrong to go to different churches. Your mother may sulk, but there must be people that she talks to at the church you both attend now? If there isn't, whats to stop her going to the churches you plan to attend?
quote:
I went on Friday and the central theme was 'give us your money, all of it so that it really damages your finances, and you'll have a breakthrough of equal impact'. I have to admit, that causes me concern.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: Advice on telling someone something they don't want... - 9/27/2008 11:31:59 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 781
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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Yeah I don't blame you for wanting to find a different church...
just the things you described made me want to say:
Run brother, Run!
*I pray you find a church that's preaching the whole word of the Gospel... as for what to say to your mom... well, tell her the truth.
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RE: Advice on telling someone something they don't want... - 9/27/2008 11:42:05 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1896
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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Hi, RubySparkles! I haven't seen you for awhile; nice to see you here again. 
quote:
the central theme was 'give us your money, all of it so that it really damages your finances, and you'll have a breakthrough of equal impact'.
This sends up a red flag to me, too. It sounds like it's saying you can twist God's arm. No, we can't, but we can trust His promises, like He'll add everything to us as we seek His Kingdom first. That might not include money; it's His choice. What you're describing sounds like the "name it and claim it theology" that has come under fire. I found this:
http://www.rapidnet.com/~jbeard/bdm/Psychology/posit.htm (their statement of faith - I read the main points - sounds right on); it might help you understand what you might be dealing with. Do a word search on "positive confession." The more you know, the more you can balance; God's Word is supreme and inerrant; everything else needs close examination. Test for truth.
quote:
Tomorrow I have to wear white to the service, because dressing the same on 'special' days also apparently makes a difference.
I don't know of any biblical precedent for this; maybe it's there and I haven't discovered it yet. Could it be a church tradition for the sake of the sense of togetherness? Nothing wrong with that as long as it's understood it's not biblical but something that's nice to do as a church family.
quote:
I have stopped reading my bible and find praying quite difficult.
This could be key: do you have any unconfessed sin in your life? The old saying is a good one: the Bible will keep you away from sin and sin will keep you away from the Bible.
I find I can trip up so easy (I hate being a sinner) and not even realize it until it's been a while or my husband points it out (never a happy occasion, which practically proves he's right). I have to confess (I sinned), repent (I am turning away from it and doing differently) and thank God that He forgave it 2000 years ago and our relationship is now restored (thank You!).
quote:
I cannot find any motivation and I just think 'ok I'm a christian (I got baptised last weekend)...
Whoo-woo! Congratulations on getting baptized! It's a big deal!
quote:
...and there is God, but so what?' God will not necessarily do anything for me whether I read/pray or not so I'll just wait and see if anything happens. I've tried doing things for him, like trying to run a Sunday School, which failed because of lack of support. However, I'll still bless my food and I think I asked the other day for healing for my mother.
Even when life is boring and dull, we can rejoice that our names are in the Lamb's Book of Life. When we stand before God a second after we die, it's the ONLY thing that is important! Remember getting in trouble as a kid and then getting let off the hook, the relief you felt. It's a small version of how you'll feel when Jesus puts His arm around your shoulder and says, "Rubysparkles believed on Me" and the Righeous Judge says, "Well done, good and faithful servant; enter into the joy of My Kingdom." Whoo-woo! You'll be doing backflips of joy. So why not start now? 
Look in Revelation, what the angels say in worship of God. It's eye-opening! (Or listen to Handel's Messiah - it's all Scripture, put to music, and maybe some of the finest music ever written in the world).
quote:
Which brings me on to the problem.
I live with my mother. She will not be happy when I say I want to go elsewhere. I think it's a combination of her wanting to control me and also not wanting to go to church by herself. I feel guilty (only female child of a single mother syndrome) but I don't want to be responsible for my mother's happiness.
OK, your mother sacrificed everything probably to raise you. That's what we parents are supposed to do. And then, after growing old in our service to our kids, we're supposed to let them go. Lousy deal for us parents  , but it's how God makes adults to fly. Your mom is having trouble with losing you; understandable. If you were leaving to marry, she'd probably be OK with that, but this doesn't seem like a separation point, and she loves you. She may be using you to be her company when ideally moms have husbands to keep from getting lonely and she doesn't. That's hard, and widows have the same problem. It's not ideal but can be dealt with.
quote:
I need help with how to say something I need to say but I'm afraid. The last time I so dramatically went against what my mother wanted was when I went to live in a different country for 2.5 years. Greatest thing I ever did.
I like Agapetos' suggestion of finding a new church and taking her with you. That's hard because the old church is familar and she's probably got friends there. Why not sit down with her, ask her to just listen, and pour out your heart and suggest you find a new church and take her to see if she'd like it there, too. Going somewhere new with you might be better than going alone to the old church.
This doesn't seem like much advice; sorry I haven't more to give. I hope things will go better, and I am praying for you and her tonight. God bless you, dear sister in the Lord. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Advice on telling someone something they don't want... - 9/28/2008 4:36:45 AM
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laughing4lily
Posts: 27
Joined: 9/26/2008
Status: offline
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Something tells me that the church you go to is more of a 'the end justifies the means' sort of group. I do think it is important to find a church and a practice that can be there for you and provide adequet spiritual aide. However, if they cause you to lose sight of what's truly important, and there's no way you feel you can reconcile, then it is probably better to move on. God doesn't care about worshiping Him in a particular way, wearing certain things, or giving large amounts of money, He cares about you and having a personal relationship with you. Things like worship and charity ought to be inspired by this relationship you have with Him. I also think that reading the Bible with a different perspective might help. Don't study the words too closely (that's what I like to call missing the forest for the trees), and like someone said before read it more like a story. I like to think of the Bible more as a 'progression of thought' than a 'list of absolutes'. Remember, many books of the Bible were written by men inspired by their personal relationship with God. Their hopes and their fears went into their writings creating something beautiful (even if at times its sad and even terrifying).
I hope I was of some help. And please, don't hide the truth from your mother.
~Lily~
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RE: Advice on telling someone something they don't want... - 9/29/2008 2:32:00 PM
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RubySparkles
Posts: 267
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
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Hi and thank you for your replies.
The question kind of became redundant about ten minutes after I asked it, because we got into a discussion on the issue of what to wear. My mother was tense and shouting, I was complete calm and just put my view across. I wore white in the end, it was ok and I think they just wanted a show of unity more than anything else. The service was something else though.
They had three visiting Pastors. They all gave the message that the more money you give the greater your blessing. They then asked 'who wants to donate £1000?' and some people went up and stood there to say they would give the money. I think they later wrote down on envelopes and left these at the altar.
They then went on to ask for £500, £1/200, etc. My mother went up when they said £1/200. When we got home she asked me why I didn't go up and say I'd give money. I said that if I later feel that I need to donate I will do so. I don't need to make a public declaration. I tried to express how I disagreed with the whole financial altar call thing, and I was accused of being difficult. I said it's not about being difficult, it's just about not joining in something I think is wrong. I had invited a couple of friends to attend what I thought was a dedication service. I was glad they couldn't come because I would have been so embarrassed.
It is my intention to go to a different church this weekend. I'm not sure my mother believes me, but I really need to step away and evaluate what I want. I won't be able to afford to move to live alone for at least another year. I keep on thinking that I'll miss this person or that person at church, but I need to keep hold of what I think is right. I won't ask my mother to come with me. She never would. She's almost 70 and is never going to change what she thinks. Sometimes she just goes along with certain things (like it makes a difference what you wear to church) I guess because she was raised to believe in them. There's nothing I can do if my mother is not willing to accept our differences.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but this is quite therapeutic. The Sunday School failed because of a lack of support but also because I went into it for the wrong reasons. I don't really have any family & I wanted to be near children. I went to another church (this was back in 2004) where things were far more organised and I didn't have to do too much. Then I realised 1) I had more in common culturally with the people in my mother's church 2) they didn't have a Sunday School. So with no prayer or anything, I jumped ship.
I ended up stuck in a room with 15 children aged 2-12 with no resources, not enough Bible knowledge and no teaching skills. I was wrong but the Pastor was also wrong to allow me to take on the role. I said 'I can do that!' He said 'OK!' and then announced it to the church. There is now another lady willing to help out with the kids. She has plenty of resources and five children of her own.
Thank you for listening to me. I'm going to try John this week.
X
_____________________________
Lord, all our success is because of what you have done, so give us peace.
Is 26:12
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RE: Advice on telling someone something they don't want... - 9/29/2008 10:12:16 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 781
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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To agapetos:
Like the greeting "hi guys!"
I'm not a guy ...
each of us has
different backgrounds/cultures and we
use different slang, expressions or colloquialisms.
My use of a colloquialism Run, brother Run! ....
is something that's used where I live and it
has been used when speaking to someone (regardless of gender)
who needs to flee a bad situation or circumstance.
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