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Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 10:31:15 AM
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silent12
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So, this is long and complex; and I am very sorry for that.
I am a "big sister" to a 17 year old mother, she has a three year old daughter, Mia. My "little sister" is lovely; she got pregnant after going to a party and getting drunk, although she didn't really know the consquences of drinking the amout she did, and being pressured into having sex by one of her friends. It was a local church scheme, I had time to offer and always wanted a younger sibling, and she had no-one.
Her parents refused to believe what happened (or that their daughter was pregnant) and she went to live with her elderly grandmother. When her grandmother died, she moved into a home for teenager mothers. We met when she was 16 and she was really lost, she was really mature, but angry at the world because she had lost so much (her friends all disliked her because she said that her friend pressured her into having sex whereas he says something else, her family refused to talk to her and she had to leave school to care for Mia).
I helped her out by getting her into a nearby school and caring for Mia when she was there; I also gave her a "home" (she stays with us over the weekend and comes for dinner sometimes in the week); she was so greatful and nice to me and my family.
However, our problems starting with her dating. She dated this guy, Dane, who even I knew (small town) was not a nice guy. He refused to talk to her if she was late and expected her to dump Mia everytime he wanted to see her. She was firm with him and told him that Mia is her priority and that me and my family are very important to her and if he didn't like that he could go away; and so he did. I was very proud of her.
She then dated Milo, an adorable guy who was so sweet to her and was always happy to play with Mia and wanted to get to know me and he was just great. However, she got bored of him and so when she met Adam she thought that he looked like fun and started secretly dating him. She dropped out of school and spent her days with him; using me to look after Mia all day. It was only when her school rang to say that she still had a library book that I was told. I confronted her about it and she told me that there was a problem and she counldn't tell me (I had no idea about Adam at this point) and so I told her that I would continue to care for Mia for another month and then she would have to sort something else out. Now, I was under the impression that she was in some sort of trouble and that she must be working or doing something important in the day and that forcing her to put Mia into daycare would not be a good idea for her or for Mia.
After the month she thanked me for caring for Mia and she introduced me to Adam; he reeked of smoke and was 22 years old. He had graduated university and was the top of his class; he is an intern at a editing firm for three days a week and for two days a week he volunteers at the local old folks home. On paper he was a great boyfriend , but looking at him he hadn't washed his hair in a while, his jeans were dirty and he had scarred knuckles.
We sat down and ate dinner, Mia happily sat on his lap and he let her tie his hair into bunches with sparkly hair ties and he was polite and charming. After Mia went to bed, my "little sister" tells me that she is pregnant, with twins, and she doesn't know who the father is.
She then went on to say that Adam was looking for his own daughter whose mother had taken her away because she thought Adam was a bad guy (she admitted that he had been a heavy drinker in his teens and that he had got himself into lots of trouble).
She said that Adam had been trying really hard and that she had got a job to help pay for Adam to get a house so that he could apply for rights and so that he would have a chance. She said that now Adam had the house (which she was staying in) she wanted to go back to school and she wanted to know whether I would be willing to care for Mia three days a week (she had got Mia into a school). She also wants me to say that I think that Adam should get his daughter (according to Adam, his ex has been drinking and he is worried about his daughter with her)
I said that I would think about it and here I am; I checked out that Adam does work at the local editing firm and he is very popular with the old folks. Everyone thought that he was great kid, who had had a tough life and was trying hard to get his little girl back. I visited his house, they have done it up well and he doesn't smoke in the house and they have made his daughter a little bedroom and talked to the local schools.
In one way, I think that I should help them out, she lied to me because she was trying to help someone; who probably deserved the help. But she still lied and although Adam probably is a good guy, she is living with someone she has known for 5 months, at the most and is 4 months pregnant. I didn't even know that she had slept with Milo, let alone Dane as well. She said that she though Milo was the dad; but it could be any of them.
I don't know what to do, my heart is telling me to help out, and actually to offer that she comes and lives with me full time, because living with Adam isn't the best idea and she admitted that she didn't want to be living with him but leaving school meant leaving the home.
But I am not sure whether I can trust her, or whether she has reached a point where she has to sort things out herself. I have been praying and I just don't know.
I appologise again, and please if anyone has any ideas, however small, I would like to know.
Thanks
< Message edited by silent12 -- 11/7/2009 10:37:31 AM >
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 1:21:42 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1650
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You are in a difficult place, at best.
I would offer to help with Mia for a couple of reasons.
1)It will enable her mother to finish school..and be better able to care for her and the new little ones on the way.
2) It is something that can be done for MIA, regardless of what her mother has said and done.
3)It is a way to show Mia's mother that, regardless of how she has lied and how badly she has chosen to manage her life, you still love her.
I would suggest to her that she come and live with you....IF Adam is seriously considering getting his daughter back..shacking up will not help his chances (this is beside the fact it is wrong..but it is a reason she might be willing to accept).
I would set up some ground rules though.....areas that you are NOT willing to bend on (I will only suggest one at this time):
1) NO LYING.....the truth at all times. PERIOD.
My fear is that, if you turn her away at this time, she won't see it as YOU turning her away..but as Christ and the church turning on her. That doesn't mean you condone what she is doing...but you let her know that you love her IN SPITE of what she is and has been doing.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 4:57:31 PM
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silent12
Posts: 19
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Thankyou so much for the reply, I agree that me caring for Mia would be very beneficial to her and that pushing her away will mean she will lose her remaining family (she is close to my children and friends) and she will probably lose the church too.
I agree about the truth, I just am very unsure about how you implement rules like these, (my children are younger) and do you punish, and if so what is the punishment. I feel that she hasn't had rules to abide for a long time and that she might feel a need to push me on them and she also is stringing along two guys and I was going to say that if she lived with me she would have to stop doing this but I am not sure if this would just make her lie more.
Thanks again.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 5:52:19 PM
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bolt.
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OK - I agree very much with W.O.F. for the basics she's laid out.
About the truth...
You don't punish an unrelated adult. But you do have boundaries.
Tell her flat-out that if you are watching Mia while she is in school. If you are lied to about school, and you don't know where the young lady is or how to contact her, you will take Mia to the nearest children's services office, tell them that you don't know where her mother has gone, and leave her there. You will not be party to neglect, and you believe this is the right thing to do.
As for other lies, tell her that you are fine with her saying, "I don't want to tell you." Which is true, and not a lie, and you can deal with it respectfully between you. But that lies build walls between you and if this happens, she will have destroyed her family connection to you. You respect her, and if she asked you a personal question that you didn't want to answer, you'd say so like a grown up, not tell lies like a kid. You believe that she is capable of choosing the same. (Then be careful to respect her, not push, not ask many personal questions etc.)
If she is back in school, then she can try to get back into the teens home. That would be best. If that doesn't work, your place is an option.
If she wants to sleep around with multiple partners, you can insist that she not do it in your home, and you can advise her if she is interested, and if she trusts you -- but not much else. There is no greater sin in multiple fornication than in monogamous fornication. So unless you believe you can induce her to be chaste, you must either accept the issue, or turn her out of your life.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 6:14:05 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: silent12
I don't know what to do, my heart is telling me to help out, and actually to offer that she comes and lives with me full time
silent,
What's the logistics of her and Mia (and the twins) coming to live with you - is it practical? Do you have the room, the time, the money?
I know your heart is saying yes, but what is your head saying?
Do you live on your own, are you single or married, do you have any children yourself?
Presumably the 17yo gets EMA - does she give any of this to you? Does she have a part-time job at all?
If Social Services are aware and involved, would they not offer her accommodation somewhere else if she left school? Is she on the housing list?
< Message edited by manda59 -- 11/7/2009 6:20:45 PM >
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 7:24:14 PM
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silent12
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Thanks to both of you.
We do have a spare room in our house, which is currently made up with Beds for her and Mia, I have 4 kids (11,9, and 19 month old twins). Up until the arrival of Adam she practically lived at my house (she only had a single room at the teenage parents house and didn't get on with the drug taking teenagers) and we all got on great. It would probably be tougher money wise, but I am good at budgeting etc.
I am a single SAHM, and I live with my kids, although my eldest is at boarding school term time.
She got EMA for a while and it went in the bank, she would give me a £10 a week for the food I gave Mia in the day. She worked on and off at a local pub, washing dishes, but the cost of the bus to get there are back meant she had to work for 3 hours for it to be worthwhile and she didn't want to spend all her weekends working when that was time she got to spend with Mia.
Social services are involved, her social worker says that it is her decision where she lives and that she is a good parent etc. and so she doens't need any help atm.
The young parents house has no spaces anymore, so she can't really get housed unless she says that she is homeless, and I refuse to lie and say that we won't let her stay with us. She is on the housing list, but as she is under 18 and has people offering her a place to live she is unlikely to get housed. She is also quite anxious about living by herself.
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Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 7:39:05 PM
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PinkCarnations
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Hi Silent and welcome to the forums!
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Thank you Veterans.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 7:46:51 PM
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silent12
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Hi and thankyou!
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/7/2009 8:21:19 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: silent12
The young parents house has no spaces anymore, so she can't really get housed unless she says that she is homeless, and I refuse to lie and say that we won't let her stay with us.
But she is homeless - you offering her a place to stay doesn't negate that. If the young parents' house cannot house her anymore, then she will be classified as homeless, and as non-intentionally homeless. Having someone who is not family with whom she can stay with temporarily (presuming your offer would be temporary) does not mean she is not homeless.
I have quite a few more questions, if that's ok.
I guess she does not get EMA any more because she hasn't been attending school, but I presume she still gets Child Benefit - has she been giving that to you?
If she came to live with you, how would she support herself? Would she be on benefit (presumably Jobseekers)? Would she pay you rent? Otherwise, how would you afford to look after her, Mia and the twins?
If she doesn't want to go back to school, might she consider going to a college to further her education and get some skills? What would she like to do, job-wise, does she have any aspirations?
Would you feel able to set up firm boundaries if she were to stay with you? Would you be aiming to have her live with you for a set period of time, or would it be open-ended?
You mentioned your children - are you raising them on your own, or do you have a husband, and if so, what does he think about all of this?
< Message edited by manda59 -- 11/7/2009 8:27:43 PM >
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 5:06:49 AM
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silent12
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Thanks again... when we went to see the social worker together we were told that if someone, family or not, offers her a place to stay, she cannot say that she is homeless and will have to say she is living in temporary accomodation. And that is the same status that she had at the teen parents house.
She stopped recieving EMA when she dropped out of school, and she still gets child benefit which she keeps. If she came to live with me she would probably live off benefits. I have spoken to her about money and we agreed that paying for the stuff she uses (water, electricity etc) and food would be fine. I am happy to help out with some stuff though.
She is going to take the exams she missed last year, this january and then hopefully complete the year and get full a levels. She wanted to be a doctor, but she thinks that she will think about defering a year and then doing midwifery of nursing instead. She is really smart but doing medicine with three kids would be extremely hard.
I think that I would be able to set boundries, I am just unsure whether she would be able to follow them; I know that sounds wierd but she has been the one who sets boundries for herself for three years and I think she might find it hard to do what I say as she is quite strong willed. I think that it would be generally open ended, although if she went to university then she would get a place to live for that.
I am raising my kids alone, I was a teenager when I had my first two kids and had my second two by sperm donor.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 7:56:08 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: silent12
Thanks again... when we went to see the social worker together we were told that if someone, family or not, offers her a place to stay, she cannot say that she is homeless and will have to say she is living in temporary accomodation. And that is the same status that she had at the teen parents house.
Does living in temporary accommodation give her any priority status at all on the housing list? Not that I know how your area's housing list works - I'm in Hampshire and I think we do it differently here than many areas. We have three categories: No Priority, Priority and High Priority. Or does your local authority still work on a points basis?
The thing is, even if she comes to live with you, surely the end goal is for her to be living independently and supporting herself, so whatever you do for her now needs to have that end goal in mind. IMO it's not a good idea to have it as an open-ended arrangement, it could make boundaries harder, could easily enable her not to take responsibility for herself and take you for granted.
Also, on a practical level, how feasible is it for her to be sharing a room with three children? Especially if you're imagining an "open ended" arrangement. What's the maximum time that you feel the arrangement could work for, spacewise.
quote:
She stopped recieving EMA when she dropped out of school, and she still gets child benefit which she keeps. If she came to live with me she would probably live off benefits. I have spoken to her about money and we agreed that paying for the stuff she uses (water, electricity etc) and food would be fine. I am happy to help out with some stuff though.
Be aware, however, that if she comes to live with you, she will need to say who else is living in the household, and then the DSS will want to know everything about *your* income, the benefits you receive, how much you give her and how much she pays you. We've had homeless people living with us before and that's what happened with us. She will have to live on Jobseekers Allowance, unless she qualifies for Income Support, and if she is on Income Support, that may be affected by any ways in which you help her.
quote:
She is going to take the exams she missed last year, this january and then hopefully complete the year and get full a levels.
Is she going to go back to school to do this?
quote:
I think that I would be able to set boundries, I am just unsure whether she would be able to follow them; I know that sounds wierd but she has been the one who sets boundries for herself for three years and I think she might find it hard to do what I say as she is quite strong willed. I think that it would be generally open ended, although if she went to university then she would get a place to live for that.
I'd suggest a "contract" - where you actually type an agreement between the two of you, detailing what you are offering, what's expecting of her, and the consequences if she doesn't keep to the contract. I'd also suggest including a review period, say, every 6 months, which would enable both her and you to keep talking to one another about how things are going, and whether her plans have changed at all.
How do your eldest two feel about her possibly coming to live with you? Especially the 9yr old who it will affect most.
< Message edited by manda59 -- 11/8/2009 8:02:28 AM >
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 9:11:31 AM
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silent12
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We still work on a point system, and there are lots of people with more points than her.
One of the things about an open ended was that she's due in april and exams are in may, so she will be pretty busy at the end of school (which was going to be my original cut off point). Do you think it would make sense to say that she could stay, provisionally, until the end of school. And that at that point we would decide what would happen, based on her career decisions etc.
Spacewise I was thinking that if she was staying longer than having newborns she could swap into my room (larger and has a box room of it where currently one of my twins sleep). Basically, we have 5 bedrooms, one of which has a box room of it. So if she had that room, Will and Rory would keep their rooms. My twins would have to share (but they wouldn't mind) and I would get my own room still.
She is returning to school full time. I think that a contract is a good idea, what sort of consequences do you think would be possible.
My son and daughter adore her, Rory (Eleanora, who is 9) sees her as a big sister and wants her to be here, Will (11) is not so keen but is happy as long as he gets to keep his room, which I promised he would. Rory is hoping to go to boarding school next year too.
Her parents said that they want to be a part of her life but they do not want her to live with them and are unwilling to help out with Mia in any way.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 11:52:38 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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silent12,
So, when is she returning to school, or has she already returned? She should be able to re-apply for EMA, which should help. It's worth getting the application in asap.
So, she's taking her AS exams in January that she was due to take last summer, is that right? Has she already been entered for those? (I'm an examinations invigilator at the local high school, so I'm fairly "up" on exams; also my dd is 16 and in Year 12 - I also have a ds of 20 who has already been through it all).
Is she planning to take her A2's next summer? Has she been in school this term to start the A2 syllabus? If not, I think she would find it extremely difficult to pick up and catch up on her A2 studies as well as revising for her AS's. Which subjects is she taking? What A2's and AS's does she need for midwifery/nursing school?
When you mentioned her deferring a year, what would she be doing in that year?
quote:
My son and daughter adore her, Rory (Eleanora, who is 9) sees her as a big sister and wants her to be here, Will (11) is not so keen but is happy as long as he gets to keep his room, which I promised he would. Rory is hoping to go to boarding school next year too.
What are Will's concerns?
If it was me, one concern I'd have is the potential influence that this young lady might have on your 9 yr old. It's great that Eleanora sees her as a big sister, but that also makes her more vulnerable to her, and, the way things seem from what you say, this young lady isn't exactly a great role model. I'd suggest you build in to any "contract" things to protect Eleanora especially, and the household in general. Things like setting firm boundaries such as no cigarettes, alcohol or drugs to be brought into the house, for her not to bring back any male (or perhaps even female) friends to the house as overnight guests, even possibly only to have friends back to the house during the day if she has pre-arranged it with you.
I will post more suggestions about the contract later.
Does she come to church with you and your children btw?
< Message edited by manda59 -- 11/8/2009 11:59:28 AM >
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 12:47:36 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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Other suggestions for things to put into the "contract":
- How many hours of free childcare you would be offering her each week, specifically including how many evenings. There could be a great temptation for her to use you as a free babysitter and be out every night, or a number of nights per week, and you'd need to make sure you weren't enabling her to lead an irresponsible lifestyle. Apart from anything else, she would need to be staying in to do her schoolwork, let alone looking after Mia.
- What behaviour you would expect from her in terms of what time she'd need to be in by, whether it would be acceptable to you if she stayed out all night, for example.
- How much cooking, cleaning and laundry she would be expected to do herself.
- How much "keep" money she would need to be giving you, and how often she would be giving it to you. Whether she's allowed to use your landline, or whether she's just to use her mobile.
- Whether you'd be happy for her to use the computer, and under what conditions.
As to "consequences", I was thinking perhaps in terms of a verbal and then written warning, plus "three strikes and you're out", with maybe certain things meaning instant eviction.
Having a clause like this would enable her to get accommodation from the council as a homeless person, should the worst come to the worst.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 4:07:47 PM
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silent12
Posts: 19
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She had her first week of school last week. She is currently at school 4 days a week and the other day is spent evaluating her behavior, grades; going to counseling and talking to her social worker. Although after Christmas she will have to go 5 days a week.
She has been entered for those; I think she was entered immediately after she didn’t turn up (tbh I am not sure when she was entered, but I was told that she has been); the school made up a contract of sorts and it said that she would retake her exams and have counseling etc.
Will is quite anxious that he is being replaced; he’s not a kid who adapts well at all. He came home from school and although he said he loved his new school and they think he’s great; he felt like he is sort of less part of the family than he was because he missed the Sunday night board games and making dinner together and the little things that we do together. I think that he also sees her as someone who could quite easily accidentally do things which would really hurt Rory and the twins; and as the man of the house he feels quite responsible for looking after his younger siblings.
Currently, Rory has very strict internal morals about smoking drinking etc. but obviously going into teenager years these will change; I have to admit that what my “little sister” (She said that I could ask for advice online but she did not want her name to be used, so I am not using her name) does looks pretty tame compared to the things I did as a teenager. So, I am slightly worried that my kids will hit 13 and suddenly think that smoking and snorting seems like a good idea not just because she might do those things (although she doesn’t smoke or drink that I have seen); I was a really good kid and I turned 14 and I had an epiphany of sorts, that it didn’t matter and that my parents and my teachers couldn’t do anything to me.
I want my kids to know that they are free to make their own choices, but I don’t want them to choose drugs and sex.
She used to come to church a lot, our church is small and they have two types of ceremony; one where kids are involved and they talk about the right thing to do and the wrong thing quite vaguely. It is a real family thing and there are songs for the kids to sing along to, the kids are up and down and talking on stage and we all congratulate the pregnant women and the child whose artwork got into a gallery etc. There are other services where the kids do something else and the adults have a service about adult things; homosexuality, abortion, drinking and smoking etc. afterwards we all give our opinions and do a mini debate.
She is always happy to come to the family services, which are great fun; but for a teenager the adult ones are often lots of adults saying what they think is right and anyone who disagrees is a sinner. People have strong opinions and she is generally a believer of things depend on the circumstances and it often ends up with people judging her because her friends do this or because she considered having an abortion (she was 13 years old and I think that it is perfectly to consider it).
Those are great suggestions, do you think it would be fair to say that she had to be home by 11 every night and that I would be willing to care for Mia two evenings a week, but only if discussed at least 24 hours beforehand.
Her relationship with Adam has deteriorated dramatically, she said that she wanted to move out and he told her he didn’t love her anymore and that he felt abandoned so she is staying with another friend tonight. I was going to offer to have her stay but she sounded alright at her friend’s and it is Will’s last night before returning to school so I thought he would prefer to have some quality time with us.
That is one of my concerns though, that she will end up getting into things like this, where it isn’t really her fault but she ends up getting dragged into anyway (she had some problems when one of her friends od’d and she went to hospital with him and was late to pick Mia up for school and they had a go at her, lots of her friends get into trouble and she feels like she has to help them) and then it affects me and affects my kids; so I had to go to get Mia, and then I had to go get her from the hospital and then take her to the police station to talk about it and then I had to get a friend to care for my kids and it just seemed endlessly complicated.
Also since the Adam incident she is thinking that adoption might be a better option, the babies would have a good wealthy family, Mia’s life wouldn’t have to change so drastically and she might be able to continue with her dream to be a doctor. Although I am not sure how serious she was about it, or if it was just something that had occurred to her.
Are their any concerns about using computers, my children are pretty much perfectly behaved and I am so not ready for them to be rebellious teenagers.
What things do you think should result in immediate eviction?
Thank you so much, I am really grateful to have someone who is willing to advise me like this.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 4:32:00 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1756
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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48 hour eviction:
Drugs in the house.
Drinking in the house.
Sex in the house.
Advocating immorality in front of a child.
Rage or verbal abuse towards any member of the home.
Physical abuse.
Staying out overnight without a call.
Murdering a baby or two.
Things that can get 3 strikes (combined):
Lying about anything.
Coming home drunk.
Coming home high.
Being significantly hung over.
Staying out too late, without a call.
Staying out overnight for immoral purposes, even with a call.
Rage, verbal abuse, or profanity overheard by a child.
Things that can have conversations before being strikes:
Late 'rent' money.
Overuse of privilidges.
Inconsiderate behaviour.
Public messiness.
Not doing what she said she would.
Poor parenting.
Being rude, grouchy or otherwise disrupting household harmony.
Allowing herself to be abused.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 4:44:59 PM
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silent12
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Thankyou very very very much! That is a great list, question about 3 strikes; if she was to come home too late and drunk, and then be very hung over would that count as three strikes or just as one because it was all down to the original drinking?
Thanks!
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 5:01:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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silent12
Before I reply properly to your post, would it be possible for you to confirm for me what subjects she's taking at AS and what the timing is for her taking her A2s?
I honestly think that the amount of time you offer to her is paramount here. If there was a definite end in mind it might help Will get his head round things, as he'd know she wasn't going to be there permanently.
Has he only just this September gone to boarding school btw?
What denomination is your church, if it's ok to ask - it sounds rather different to any churches that I'm used to here in the UK.
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"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/8/2009 5:32:02 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1756
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From: Canada
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quote:
if she was to come home too late and drunk, and then be very hung over would that count as three strikes or just as one because it was all down to the original drinking?
I would call it one per event. But that's just me.
No! Wait! She's pregnant. If she drinks or does drugs, that's child abuse for those in-womb as far as I'm concerned, and that's 48 hours flat... and probably a child welfare call. The list needs revising to take that into account.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/10/2009 10:26:36 AM
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silent12
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She is taking Biology, Chemistry and Maths; english at as. I don't know the exact timing of her exams, I will have to ask her.
Will started this September.
Our church is Methodist, strictly speaking. Although in reality there are two churches near to me and the other one don't have facilities/activities for children and so I chose Methodist. It is mostly young families in the area and old women; so I guess they cater to both.
I was meaning about one event thing, although obviously drugs while pregnant are extrememly serious.
Thanks both of you.
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/10/2009 10:42:37 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: silent12
She is taking Biology, Chemistry and Maths; english at as. I don't know the exact timing of her exams, I will have to ask her.
With those subjects especially, I'd find it difficult to imagine her being able to take her AS's in January and then her A2's next summer, especially as she has missed over half a term's teaching this term for the A2 syllabus. You might find that the school are anticipating her not taking the AS's until Summer 2011. If you are thinking of offering her accommodation until she finishes school, you might want to take that into consideration, because it potentially makes the end date that much further off (and could mean that you'll be potentially, from May 2010 onwards, looking after not just Mia but the twins as well, every day, and some evenings, as well as your own.
Something else to put into the contract could be what would happen if she just decided to drop out of school and not pursue any kind of career.
I imagine this could be quite difficult for Will, with him only just adjusting to being away at boarding school. I know you said he'd be ok so long as he can keep his room, but it might be worth trying to look into the future a bit, say, to imagine what it will be like for him coming home at Christmas, Easter, and then July, and having the house choc-full of small children/babies. Either he will adapt and be fine, or you may find he grows away from you far more quickly than he might have had this not have happened. I am not saying this to be mean, just trying to be realistic.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/10/2009 3:24:08 PM
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silent12
Posts: 19
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I was so sure I had written a reply to this, that I am wondering what is wrong with my brain!
Anyway, her school are quite apprehensive to involve me directly, especially as she is not currently living with me and so I am having to get them to explain it to her to tell me and it can get a bit mixed up; but that is what they decided with her. They said that if looks like she is not keeping up to date that they will have her do it the year after instead.
We have temporarily written a contract stating that basically, she is staying until Christmas and if she does not follow my rules she will be out in 36 hours, with a three strike system also. By then we should know how she is doing school wise and all that. Hopefully the boyfriend situation will have resolved itself also. We have said that if she is not attending school, she needs to have proof of intention to get a job or apply for a different course within a week.
I am worried about Will, and Rory, but this should hopefully help us to see how things have settled and how Will has coped with it all.
We have had one disagreement on it; although she is happy to not drink/smoke etc. she wants to be able to sleep at a boyfriends house with the intention of having sex. I said no, that not only did it not agree with my morals but Rory and Will look up to her; I think that she will just do it all the same and lie about it which isn't really ideal.
No idea what to do!
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/10/2009 3:37:26 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: silent12
We have said that if she is not attending school, she needs to have proof of intention to get a job or apply for a different course within a week.
Careful about the "proof of intention to get a job" - because all she'd have to do is show you job application letters (which she'd have to show to the JobCentre anyway to keep getting JobSeekers Allowance), which could be for jobs she wouldn't/couldn't do, and it could go on ad infinitum.
quote:
We have had one disagreement on it; although she is happy to not drink/smoke etc. she wants to be able to sleep at a boyfriends house with the intention of having sex. I said no, that not only did it not agree with my morals but Rory and Will look up to her; I think that she will just do it all the same and lie about it which isn't really ideal.
No idea what to do!
If she is intending to do that, then she is intending for you to look after Mia all day, all evening, overnight and then part or all of the next day. That is IMO very presumptuous of her and is basically using you as a free babysitter, and to enable her in an irresponsible lifestyle (because she would not be able to do it if she was not living with you).
If you had the rule on the contract that she HAD to come home to you every night, and not stay out at ANYONE's house, male or female, then you could prevent her doing it. You can't prevent her having sex, but you can prevent her USING you (and USING the arrangement) to stay away overnight and SHIRKING her responsibility to her daughter.
Remember too that on the nights you're having to look after Mia, your twins and Rory won't have you to themselves. And if the young lady stays till the twins arrive, your children will find it even more difficult to get a look in, as you'll be looking after Mia overnight, plus the twins. As well as your own. I know that's not till April, but the ground rules you set now will be the ones that dictate how things go in the future too. If you don't put your foot fown now, it will be much harder to later on.
(Just imagine too if she stays beyond Christmas, has the twins, keeps the twins, and then stays away overnight - you would have both your own family and her 3 to look after. That is a massive responsibility for you - hard enough if you're feeling fit and well, just imagine it if you weren't?)
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Advice on a 17 year old - 11/10/2009 3:41:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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silent12
I'd suggest one other thing to be put into the Contract: that she and Mia attend church with you and your children on a Sunday. Quite apart from that providing her with some spiritual input, it will ensure that she is not alone in your house at a time when she knows you'll be gone for a couple of hours. It protects her from being tempted to "misbehave" in your house at that time.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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